Long-term Infatuations?

[Anonymous]

Okay...this is all good advice. I know it's probably an infatuation. It's just hard.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your Ex is actually the true love of your life here.

Sad, but true.

And unless you act on those feelings, you will go through the rest of your life wondering those two words of regret..."What if....?"

Is that what you want? No one wants to leave this life w/any regret so my best advice to you is to figure out how you will get in touch w/this man and finally get closure on whether or not it was truly meant to be for you too.

Good Luck OP!

[Anonymous]

I've had a couple of long term infatuations; the key to getting over them was making an effort to see the real person, not the idealized love object/fantasy. If you had a four year relationship with mr. infatuation, you'd feel about him much more like you do your husband; the secret of the infatuation is the tabula rasa upon which we get to write all our preferred fantasies. The real person is seldom the same.

[Anonymous]

DH here.

I realize these treads often get mocked by folks that have not had this experience. My first serious GF and I met very young. And we were in her words very precocious. My family never approved so we had to sneak around for a little over the year we were dating. My parents didn't approve because she was Hispanic and this was 30 years ago. In reality alot of it had to do with my Mom's socio-economic hangups. I decided to end it the Spring on my senior year of HS. Her friends and family spoke Spanish which made me feel like an outsider. I was going off to College; and being a young 18 male I admit I also wanted to see what else was out there. Well she found a new boyfriend quickly which stung and I eventually married a girl that my folks approved of - same nationality. Ironically I learned you can be culturally similar and yet still not the best fit. My first GF was intellectual, highly sexual. DW is very loving but not sexual, not intellectual.

Over the years I have been hard on my 18 year old self for breaking it off. In my heart she has always been and will always be the one. And it has been quite unfair to my DW. And over the years it probably on some level impacted my relationship and how I treated DW. The fact that we are sexually incompatible as also been a source but that gets back to the fact that I probably picked the wrong life partner. It's a bad situation and once you have children it is completely compounded. So, I do not have any answers for you. I understand completely what you are going through. I am in contact with HS GF and I realize that I look at her with rose colored glasses. The difference is I sometimes wonder if those rose colored glasses would have enabled us to weather life's storms. On the other hand, the fact that we were from two different cultures may have driven us apart. Can't stop the feelings though...

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

I realize these treads often get mocked by folks that have not had this experience. My first serious GF and I met very young. And we were in her words very precocious. My family never approved so we had to sneak around for a little over the year we were dating. My parents didn't approve because she was Hispanic and this was 30 years ago. In reality alot of it had to do with my Mom's socio-economic hangups. I decided to end it the Spring on my senior year of HS. Her friends and family spoke Spanish which made me feel like an outsider. I was going off to College; and being a young 18 male I admit I also wanted to see what else was out there. Well she found a new boyfriend quickly which stung and I eventually married a girl that my folks approved of - same nationality. Ironically I learned you can be culturally similar and yet still not the best fit. My first GF was intellectual, highly sexual. DW is very loving but not sexual, not intellectual.

Over the years I have been hard on my 18 year old self for breaking it off. In my heart she has always been and will always be the one. And it has been quite unfair to my DW. And over the years it probably on some level impacted my relationship and how I treated DW. The fact that we are sexually incompatible as also been a source but that gets back to the fact that I probably picked the wrong life partner. It's a bad situation and once you have children it is completely compounded. So, I do not have any answers for you. I understand completely what you are going through. I am in contact with HS GF and I realize that I look at her with rose colored glasses. The difference is I sometimes wonder if those rose colored glasses would have enabled us to weather life's storms. On the other hand, the fact that we were from two different cultures may have driven us apart. Can't stop the feelings though...

Hang in there.

You're being too hard on yourself. Are you the same person now that you were at 18? Of course not so you have no idea if it would have worked out.

[Anonymous]

OP, stick with your DH. He loves you, you love him.

Also, you shouldn't keep in touch with the other guy. Give him up, and it will be easier to let the feelings you have dissipate. Maybe that feeling of "what if?" will never completely go away, but who cares? You're now in a wonderful relationship, and it is secure. You don't know what's going to happen if you leave DH for this other guy. Leaving a stable relationship--that is in no way bad or harmful to you--for something unknown would be a mistake.

[Anonymous]

A "handsome, exciting, genius"? Phleeeeeze. Sounds like something out of a romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Don't do anything rash, especially if you have kids. Who knows what your old flame's true intentions and interests are? He may just want to be friends, or flirt, or even cheat. I doubt he wants to break up your marriage.

He may actually be the type of person who chases people who are unavailable. Divorcing your DH may cause him to actually lose interest.

Be careful. Don't throw away a good thing that you already have for a slim possibility that you might get something better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A "handsome, exciting, genius"? Phleeeeeze. Sounds like something out of a romance novel.

A medieval and renaissance studies genius, you can't leave that out. At least the PP's sister who broke up her marriage married a doctor, so someone doing good and making bank (which I suspect is a large part why things worked out, having loads of money is a great marriage lubricant)

OP you should divorce your husband, but you are in love with a phantasm of your own design. This 'genius' never had to be domestic with you, and could keep some mystery in the relation ; when you guys finally get together you will discover his farts stink just like DH and his other endearing flaws will reveal themselves to your reality.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but this has troll written all over it. We're supposed to believe that some guy you dated for 5 months and have continued to be great friends with all along is now causing you to wonder about your marriage of 2 years??? If this guy was so hot, then why didn't you get together in the two years you were dating your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but this has troll written all over it. We're supposed to believe that some guy you dated for 5 months and have continued to be great friends with all along is now causing you to wonder about your marriage of 2 years??? If this guy was so hot, then why didn't you get together in the two years you were dating your husband?

Yeah, but a troll would have included the delicious details like they ran into each other at a Renaissance Fair and shared memories over a giant turkey leg.

[Anonymous]

I feel kind of bad for your husband, OP. I would hate to be with someone who was settling for me while fantasizing to that degree about feelings for an ex. (I have actually been with someone who did that. It was demoralizing, because their discontent came through, and nothing about me was every quite enough.)

Seems you owe it to your husband to make a clear choice in your heart. Be happy and love the one you're with, or get out now and pursue the fantasy.

I have someone I've been infatuated with for probably 30 years, but I know clearly that it's just infatuation and a fantasy of the actual person, and I get on with my real life. These people will always exist for some of us.

The secret to being happy is to love, appreciate, and be content with what/who you have, and look inside yourself to understand what is missing. That other fantasy person may just represent something in yourself that you miss, and you need to take positive actions in your life to make your real, current life more fulfilling and interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel kind of bad for your husband, OP. I would hate to be with someone who was settling for me while fantasizing to that degree about feelings for an ex. (I have actually been with someone who did that. It was demoralizing, because their discontent came through, and nothing about me was every quite enough.)

Seems you owe it to your husband to make a clear choice in your heart. Be happy and love the one you're with, or get out now and pursue the fantasy.

I have someone I've been infatuated with for probably 30 years, but I know clearly that it's just infatuation and a fantasy of the actual person, and I get on with my real life. These people will always exist for some of us.

The secret to being happy is to love, appreciate, and be content with what/who you have, and look inside yourself to understand what is missing. That other fantasy person may just represent something in yourself that you miss, and you need to take positive actions in your life to make your real, current life more fulfilling and interesting.

Nicely written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

I realize these treads often get mocked by folks that have not had this experience. My first serious GF and I met very young. And we were in her words very precocious. My family never approved so we had to sneak around for a little over the year we were dating. My parents didn't approve because she was Hispanic and this was 30 years ago. In reality alot of it had to do with my Mom's socio-economic hangups. I decided to end it the Spring on my senior year of HS. Her friends and family spoke Spanish which made me feel like an outsider. I was going off to College; and being a young 18 male I admit I also wanted to see what else was out there. Well she found a new boyfriend quickly which stung and I eventually married a girl that my folks approved of - same nationality. Ironically I learned you can be culturally similar and yet still not the best fit. My first GF was intellectual, highly sexual. DW is very loving but not sexual, not intellectual.

Over the years I have been hard on my 18 year old self for breaking it off. In my heart she has always been and will always be the one. And it has been quite unfair to my DW. And over the years it probably on some level impacted my relationship and how I treated DW. The fact that we are sexually incompatible as also been a source but that gets back to the fact that I probably picked the wrong life partner. It's a bad situation and once you have children it is completely compounded. So, I do not have any answers for you. I understand completely what you are going through. I am in contact with HS GF and I realize that I look at her with rose colored glasses. The difference is I sometimes wonder if those rose colored glasses would have enabled us to weather life's storms. On the other hand, the fact that we were from two different cultures may have driven us apart. Can't stop the feelings though...

Hang in there.

You're being too hard on yourself. Are you the same person now that you were at 18? Of course not so you have no idea if it would have worked out.

DH here - thanks for the kind sentiments.