Any hope if there's no spark on a kid-free vacation?

[Anonymous]

On vacation with DH (kid-free) but still can't get the spark back. No bickering, which is a good change from our everyday life, but just no spark. In my previous relationships, this would be the point when I'd start distancing myself emotionally in order to give myself a head start before ending things. This is different because we're married with DC and I don't have the luxury of just ending things. No abuse, betrayal, cheating etc that would necessitate divorce. I do love DH but just can't find the spark. I thought that getting away would help, but apparently not. I am more interested in repairing the relationship than just ending it. Any constructive suggestions? Please don't just say "divorce". I'm looking for more constructive suggestions than that.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to DH about it?

[Anonymous]

You need to get off the computer and go get drunk!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't suggest divorce.
sparks fade. it doesn't last forever.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been away? We went away recently and it was about day 3 before anything happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get off the computer and go get drunk!

Actually... yes. This definitely works. Also, just have sex. Fantasize about someone else if you want to, but get it done. Then again the next night. And so forth. Getting back into the habit has worked wonders personally, way more than I would have expected.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you get caught up in a routine and it's hard to break out of it, even on vacation. Take the lead.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

[Anonymous]

Your first mistake is looking for "spark" as if it's going to come out of the sky like a bolt of lightning. You have to take affirmative action. I recommend rubbing a pair of genitals together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

It does not fade -- it ebbs and flows. You have to work at it, just like you have peaks and valleys in your career. You have to make a conscious decision to do somethng about it...TOGETHER. Stop looking for what you had in the initial flush of romance. Start verbalizing the appreciation for the new level of intimacy, the family things you share AND AND AND actively work on being a couple. Give yourselves time to get to know each other in a new way. Start dating each other, even when you don't feel like it. It takes time, so give it time. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Sex, sex, sex - it will create the spark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

It does not fade -- it ebbs and flows. You have to work at it, just like you have peaks and valleys in your career. You have to make a conscious decision to do somethng about it...TOGETHER. Stop looking for what you had in the initial flush of romance. Start verbalizing the appreciation for the new level of intimacy, the family things you share AND AND AND actively work on being a couple. Give yourselves time to get to know each other in a new way. Start dating each other, even when you don't feel like it. It takes time, so give it time. Best of luck.

But what if you try that "dating" thing and you have nothing to talk about? DH and I have been out recently and had nothing to say to each other that wasn't kid/house/money/job related. I try but I get lukewarm responses to my attempts to talk about ANYTHING else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

It does not fade -- it ebbs and flows. You have to work at it, just like you have peaks and valleys in your career. You have to make a conscious decision to do somethng about it...TOGETHER. Stop looking for what you had in the initial flush of romance. Start verbalizing the appreciation for the new level of intimacy, the family things you share AND AND AND actively work on being a couple. Give yourselves time to get to know each other in a new way. Start dating each other, even when you don't feel like it. It takes time, so give it time. Best of luck.

But what if you try that "dating" thing and you have nothing to talk about? DH and I have been out recently and had nothing to say to each other that wasn't kid/house/money/job related. I try but I get lukewarm responses to my attempts to talk about ANYTHING else.

Oh, man. I remember that period with my wife when our kids were babies. Seems like she wouldn't open her mouth except to talk about money that needed to be spent or tasks she wanted done. I wanted to talk about anything but the minutiae of our life.