Any hope if there's no spark on a kid-free vacation?

[Anonymous]

^^Well, PP, did it get better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

It does not fade -- it ebbs and flows. You have to work at it, just like you have peaks and valleys in your career. You have to make a conscious decision to do somethng about it...TOGETHER. Stop looking for what you had in the initial flush of romance. Start verbalizing the appreciation for the new level of intimacy, the family things you share AND AND AND actively work on being a couple. Give yourselves time to get to know each other in a new way. Start dating each other, even when you don't feel like it. It takes time, so give it time. Best of luck.

But what if you try that "dating" thing and you have nothing to talk about? DH and I have been out recently and had nothing to say to each other that wasn't kid/house/money/job related. I try but I get lukewarm responses to my attempts to talk about ANYTHING else.

I feel like this, too. My spouse puts in very little effort to grow our relationship. He is low-key by nature, but it's like now that he has the wife and kids the marriage is off his radar. He says that he doesn't want to do anything or feel anything that "is not sustainable". We have sex two or three times a week, I just don't feel anything. Sorry, I don't mean to hijack, just chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Life is unsatisfying and full of problems. I think god made it that way so you finally give it up to the lotd

[Anonymous]

The lord

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Well, PP, did it get better?

The conversation has gotten much better. The sex has improved somewhat. In our case it was a combination of baby-related stresses and hormonal changes amplified by Mirena. The babies turned into school aged kids. We ditched the Mirena. Now we're having pretty good sex 2-3x per month. Not exactly where I'd like it, but better than it was. We really enjoy each other's company though. If I had to pick one person I love best in the world, it's her.

[Anonymous]

I agree with ebb and flow poster. You may be feeling pressure (both of you ) to have the spark on a kid free vacation. I say get a bottle of wine or two and just have fun. Get a massage together, have sex on the balcony or something crazy that you may be did a long time ago. Try to laugh more, lighten up, not talk kids all the time, talk about the future, things you want to do together, cement that you are a unit and talk openly about things may be not being as exciting or good lately, but that you want to renew that spark. Good Luck. BTW, have absolutely been there, my DH nearly had an affair, and we got back on track. Not that things are like a romance novel, but we are better at giving more, talking more, and working on connecting when we are living in separate worlds, which is easy when kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Alcohol

[Anonymous]

Can you try to ignite that spark on your end first? Perhaps get a little creative + use your imagination here?

Try to remember how things were in the beginning when you first met...When you were first dating...The feelings you felt, the things you used to do together....Try to take yourself back to that place and time, etc.

Then see if you can stir any feelings from there.

From those feelings, act on them.
Use your creative imagination and try to imagine yourself in a sensual manner. Envision yourself as a sexy woman, not just a housewife or a mother.

Watch a porn movie together. Or look at an XXX magazine together and get aroused.

Light candles + drink wine.

Make it about just the two of you and pretend no one else exists in the world....

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and get that spark with somebody new and then in 3 years time you'll be in the same spark-free place you are now. It doesn't last, OP. It stinks, but it's a trade off. Do new activities together with your DH when you can and just focus on being kind to each other.

[Anonymous]

Maybe its just me, but I cannot feel close to someone unless we talk and have some decent conversations with each other. Just talk about anything. Granted, my husband is a shitty communicator. He doesn't initiate conversation, he is not good at back and forth. I will ask him question, he'll give me an answer, but then he doesn't think to maybe ask me my opinion or experience in the same thing. It sucks. Fucking crickets -a lot.

I've had relationships in the past where we could talk for hours. I really should have found someone like that to marry. I realize now how important that is. But whatever. The grass is always greener. I chose someone else and here I am. Anyway, when we are able to talk about anything i feel much more connected to him. I would imagine that if you could find things to talk about - at least its a shared experience. Try doing something fun together. I don't know where you are on vacation, but maybe something like golf, snorkeling, bowling, horseback riding. Something you wouldn't normally do at home. Do NOT spend all vacation looking at your respective iphones. Put the phone down and enjoy yourselves. And yes, alcohol helps - a lot.

[Anonymous]

My wife & I know each others' stories and either know or can pretty well guess at any opinion the other might have. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we're talking to connect & not, for the most part, as a means of actually exchanging information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first mistake is looking for "spark" as if it's going to come out of the sky like a bolt of lightning. You have to take affirmative action. I recommend rubbing a pair of genitals together.

+1

Best advice. Ever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol

+1. Add porn if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Literotica.com free stories. Im sure you can find something on there to excite you.

Stockings or sexy lingerie? Why not go shopping together? A toy?

Ask him what his fantasy is and do it if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I went away for a long kid-free weekend and I think just had sex once. But like you, we didn't fight and enjoyed each other's company. So that was an improvement over life at home and still worth the time and money in my mind. Our passion is gone -- I wonder if maybe it'll come back when we don't have kids in diapers. But even if it doesn't, he's not a bad guy and I'm not going to divorce him over it and make my kids live between two households. So we stay together as friends and partners. Not ideal and made me sad for awhile, but I've come to accept it. There are worse fates in life.

I feel sad for you because I feel like you are both vulnerable to having someone swoop you off of your feet.

I'm like the PP and I fear what you are saying. I love my husband but feel like I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I don't ever get butterflies when I look at him or think about him. I have impulses but he does not inspire them. It would break his heart if he knew this, but it's true. I've tried. I could "just have sex" and I've done that but I fear I will never truly want it from him again. I know the initial romance/sparks fade but, geez. . .we are still young and God-willing have 40+ years back. So I hear you, OP. We need a kid-free vacation and I've wondered if that could do it for us, but I have my doubts. Good luck OP and PP. Don't know what else to say.

It does not fade -- it ebbs and flows. You have to work at it, just like you have peaks and valleys in your career. You have to make a conscious decision to do somethng about it...TOGETHER. Stop looking for what you had in the initial flush of romance. Start verbalizing the appreciation for the new level of intimacy, the family things you share AND AND AND actively work on being a couple. Give yourselves time to get to know each other in a new way. Start dating each other, even when you don't feel like it. It takes time, so give it time. Best of luck.

But what if you try that "dating" thing and you have nothing to talk about? DH and I have been out recently and had nothing to say to each other that wasn't kid/house/money/job related. I try but I get lukewarm responses to my attempts to talk about ANYTHING else.

Don't lose hope, it's a muscle that needs to be worked out. A few dates may suck, but keep at it. Try something different, take a class, do a cookology date night. Google them , it's a great date nite. Find the fun together, too much pressure expecting the other to entertain you ur feeling like you have to extra entertaining. Mix it up and keep it up.