Any hope if there's no spark on a kid-free vacation?

[Anonymous]

This is a great article, though I'm sure it will get many heople's hackles up on this board.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/nov/10/sex-is-monogamy-dead
Here is one good takeaway:
But that's surely impossible. In her book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, the therapist Esther Perel distinguishes between warm and hot relationships. The former involves absolute candour, togetherness, equality and, quite possibly, devising a mutually satisfying rota for picking up the kids from school and cleaning the toilet. The latter involves non-politically correct power plays and, if the book jacket is anything to go by, transgressive shoe fetishism as part of a sustainable sex life. Can one relationship be hot and warm at the same time? It seems, to put it mildly, unlikely. Does good intimacy make for hot sex? asks Perel. Again, unlikely: they don't sound like different rules, but different sports.

[Anonymous]

OP again. A rainy afternoon and large bar tab did the trick Now I have to try to keep it going once we get back to reality.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, Perel is annoying. The upshot to her work seems to be vlaming women for expecting men to do their fair share, or allowing affairs. She thinks an equal relationship is incompatible with sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. A rainy afternoon and large bar tab did the trick Now I have to try to keep it going once we get back to reality.

Excellent news! Congrats and thanks for the update!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, Perel is annoying. The upshot to her work seems to be vlaming women for expecting men to do their fair share, or allowing affairs. She thinks an equal relationship is incompatible with sex.

I don't know about Perel's work - but there is a correlation, but not necessarily causation, between increased domestic responsibilities and a decline in sexual interest. In a stereotypical scenario, the guy starts getting the least attention from his wife, sexual and otherwise, just as he's busting his ass the hardest for the family. A combination of factors can get together at once - the waning of the honeymoon phase hits just as responsibilities like kids, mortgages, and house care rise to a peak. Maybe throw in some hormonal disruptions for good measure, and *bam*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, Perel is annoying. The upshot to her work seems to be vlaming women for expecting men to do their fair share, or allowing affairs. She thinks an equal relationship is incompatible with sex.

I don't know about Perel's work - but there is a correlation, but not necessarily causation, between increased domestic responsibilities and a decline in sexual interest. In a stereotypical scenario, the guy starts getting the least attention from his wife, sexual and otherwise, just as he's busting his ass the hardest for the family. A combination of factors can get together at once - the waning of the honeymoon phase hits just as responsibilities like kids, mortgages, and house care rise to a peak. Maybe throw in some hormonal disruptions for good measure, and *bam*.

Well that isnt true in my case. When my DH shows me he is an equal partner and respects me, I love and desire him even more.

Some women like jerks, and some are too dumb to appreciate a great guy. The same is true in reverse.

- married 9 yrs w 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

For the poster w nothing to say, come up w something unexpected to say.

Have you asked him about his fantasy? Told him yours? Dared him to do something sexual or not?

Ex. My DH will flash me at home when the kids are safely on thee other side of our home.

Just do SOMETHING!

Or even talk to him about how to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have anything to say to each other, then you need to have some new experiences together. Pick an adventure vacation (rafting in Colorado is lovely) or a bucket-list trip (Japan!) or a rock concert (DH and I flew to Las Vegas to see Jane's Addiction). It helps.

You used to do stuff together that wasn't dealing with kids. Find something like that to do again. You need to have fun together. If you are having fun together, you will feel sexy together.