how do I get over my own shit to be a good mom to my extremely SN kid?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 15 months old and severely disabled both physically and intellectually. She is my only child. I am totally lost and don't know how to cope with this. I've been trying to find a good therapist but (a) I am not having any luck and (b) I feel like I can't say some of this out loud. My daughter is constantly in and out of hospitals, and every time she gets sick we get prayers for her recovery but all I pray for is that this time she'll pass away so we can end all this. End her suffering, end ours - I hate the doctors who saved her. If I had known this would be our lives I would've told them to let her go. And then I look at my daughter, and she is so freaking adorable and becoming such a beautiful little girl and I think, what a waste. She's never going to do anything except exist, she hardly even smiles, I don't think she recognizes us, and it's awful because I am her mother! I should be the one person always in her corner and never questioning her value. Instead I just don't see the point of this life. I just spiral in self-pity and despair and I don't know how to think about all this to get past it and be the mom this human being needs me to be. Fuuuuuck....

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Journal and find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I understand and I'm sorry

[Anonymous]

Praying that both your and your daughter find peace. What you've described I very difficult and brutally honest. It's obvious that you love your daughter very much.

[Anonymous]

You aren't alone. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are normal. You are a great mom and are doing the best you can.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

See what you can do about respite care. She needs lots of attention, but you needing breaks is also important. If her condition is not terminal, start thinking about the long-term maintenance plan - caregivers, equipment needs, etc. if she is as bad as you say, she won't notice if you aren't there all the time. Make sure she has no suffering and no physical discomfort. Keep enough going on around her just in case underneath all that there is someone who knows what's going on. But keep your life going too.

I don't have any great wisdom to pass on. You are not a monster for wishing the outcome had been different. I had a decision to make once and I signed the DNR on an unborn child. Situation was saved at the very last minute, but even knowing the child my child became. I'd do it again if I had to.

I wish I knew you in real life so you could know you're not alone and to make sure we always stayed in your life.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I wish you and your family peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, post roughly where you are and perhaps people can suggest therapists. I have one I love in Bethesda who is really helping me.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry and can identify, like another poster mentioned I would look into respite care to ease the burden. You need a sanity break, hopefully others more knowledgable can chime in with resources.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the respite care suggestion. The raw honesty that you have expressed here is a very brave thing to do. Please take care of yourself, also.

P.S. It was very touching reading the part about your baby girl being "so freaking adorable." You sound like a caring mama.

[Anonymous]

OP, I often feel like the title of your post, but you've definitely been given tough times with both hands.

Regarding respite care, there are some resources available if you search the forum, e.g.:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/381386.page#5081078

Big hug to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any suggestions for therapists but think you are totally right to look for someone to talk to, and someone you can talk to openly about how you're feeling. I wonder if you have read "Far from the Tree"? My child's disabilities are less severe, but I found the book's discussion of parents of kids with multiple severe disabilities and other differences to be very insightful and kind of reassuring in that it made it clear that some of the emotions I have experienced and felt ashamed of are pretty normal for people in this situation.

[Anonymous]

PP again--I meant to say that you should also talk to your primary care doctor or a therapist about antidepressants. Feeling despair and like you want your life to end sounds depressed to me, and even if it's sort of a rational response to a very difficult situation you've been plunged into, it might help you cope if you could get the feelings of despair under control.