Issue with not wanting to visit in laws

[Anonymous]

I really, really, really do not want to visit my in laws and my dh (understandably) feels obligated to do so since we have not been there in years. Just thinking about visiting them sends me into a panic attack.

My FIL has some mental problems relating to a very serious illness. He was near death and never quite recovered cognitively. He has extremely limited social skills and says inappropriate things to me all the time. He also follows me around the house and tells me he thinks I don't want them to visit. He also goes on these monologues about random historical things and you can't get away. It is like dealing with my 2 year old in a 65 year old man's body, and I feel nervous and overwhelmed in his presence as a result. Also, it is not just me, he was fired after a lengthy career for an inappropriate situation involving a teenage girl.

My DH does not get along with his parents yet feels obligated to invite them to come here, so it ends up being a weekend of fighting, which also adds to my stress. He and I then fight ourselves, and the whole experience just sucks. We are both on edge the whole time.

They are from a different country and their culture finds it offensive for family members to stay in a hotel. While I understand this, I just can't stay at their house. Not even for a night. It would be bad enough to go there at all, but at least a hotel would let me escape a bit during nap time and the nights would be cut short because of our toddler's bedtime. The idea of staying there 24/7 with my FIL creepily following me around the whole time is just more than I can take. Their house is also somewhat unclean and the last time I was there, I was really grossed out that they kept cans of open wet cat food (completely exposed and open) in the refrigerator among all the food that we were supposed to be eating. We can't even really leave the house because they live in a small Midwestern town with nothing to do, and even an escape to the grocery store is an ordeal because FIL tries to insist on coming with.

Bottom line, visiting them in the first place sounds horrible to me but staying there is just not possible. Yet,my DH feels like not visiting, or visiting but staying in a hotel, would be a huge insult. Any advice for a compromise?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Is it possible to get a prescription for Xanax or something to get you through it? Is your MIL at all aware of how disturbing your FIL is, so she can maybe be part of a solution? Can your DH make sure he's with you when your FIL follows you around everywhere?

It sounds awful, OP. Good luck with finding a solution. If you do end up going...it's just 48 hours. Make sure to go at a time of year with nice weather so you can spend as much of it outside as possible. Offer to take them out for dinner and bring some of your own food for snacks and lunches. Or just insist on a hotel - claim allergies to the cat!

[Anonymous]

He goes to visit them. You stay home w your kid. If you were divorced, it would be the same arrangement.

Perhaps he could go for short periods several times a year wo you?

If your FIL makes you uncomfortable and your DH isnt understanding, you have a serious DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Your FIL's a creep, you don't need to worry about offending them. I wouldn't go at all, and I wouldn't want my kids there. If you do go, stay at the hotel for sure.

[Anonymous]

Two choices:
Husband goes alone to visit them.
Stay in a hotel

Have husband pick one of them. This family is his first priority. Making you feel "safe" trumps offending his parents.

[Anonymous]

Visit but stay in a hotel. Culture? Too bad. What God-forsaken country are they from?

[Anonymous]

Did the father-in-law's issues start when he had his serious illness? If so, it sounds tragic. Who is taking care of him? It must be hard for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two choices:
Husband goes alone to visit them.
Stay in a hotel

Have husband pick one of them. This family is his first priority. Making you feel "safe" trumps offending his parents.

This. Have DH say you had to work and couldn't come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the father-in-law's issues start when he had his serious illness? If so, it sounds tragic. Who is taking care of him? It must be hard for them.

+1. I'm the first PP who was throwing all sorts of ideas out there. I totally sympathize with you, OP, but I also feel for your DH (unlike a lot of these posters, who have the typical DCUM "eff your husband; do what YOU want and he can just suck it up" attitude that really makes me wonder about the state of their marriages), and also for your ILs, who sound like they've really struggled after your FIL's accident/illness.

But I think I have a solution! Maybe you could all go away for a weekend together - stay in separate rooms in the same B&B/resort? Could you and your DH afford to foot the bill so it's more like you're treating them and less like you're avoiding their messy house and disturbing patterns?

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the PPs. I do have Xanax (I take it for flights) and it makes me basically black out. So I can't take it at their house and esp when I am around my toddler.

I think on some level my MIL realizes that my FIL is inappropriate, etc because she will snap at him to stop saying something if he goes down a particularly inappropriate path. Yet, I also think she would be very offended if DH or I have any indication that we are not comfortable around him. You have to tread so lightly because off the cultural stuff. Similarly, while DH will admit that there is a problem, he gets ULTRA defensive about it and does absolutely nothing, in my opinion, to "protect" me from dealing with FIL. I suppose that is something we could try to work on (DH nipping this stuff in the bud).

I have been told that FIL was completely normal before his illness and that high levels of toxins in his blood caused his mental state to change and that it never returned to normal. Personally, I don't think he was ever someone that I would ever want to spend time around, but who knows. I met him about a year before he became sick and was told that his toxins were already in his bloodstream or whatever when we met.

I would be fine with meeting at a hotel somewhere and footing the bill, but I think the issue is that they are putting pressure on him to come visit. We already see them enough because they come here, so it's not about making contact.. Just that they want us at their home.

[Anonymous]

Got it. Sorry, OP. My MIL also always insists that we stay at her house, complete with hard, squeaky, tiny guest bed, rather than DH's sibling's house with a much comfier bed and a cousin for our DC to play with. It doesn't compare to your situation, but I do know what you mean about it being important to your ILs that you Stay At Their House. Sounds like DH should take your DC and you can stay home with the excuse that you have a big project due at work or head lice or something. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Given that DH won't admit the extent of the problem and won't step up to defend you, I would draw a hard and fast line that you won't be stepping on any plane to go see them or admitting them into your home until you have a few sessions with a marriage counselor.

You and DH aren't on the same page, and you need to be, and it sounds like you need some help to get there.

The situation is sad and tragic, but at the same time, you need to protect yourself and your child. DH, of course, is welcome to go solo at any point to support his parents.

[Anonymous]

Would it be at all helpful to your situation for one of you to develop a horrible allergy to cats? (Sounds like they have them there, hopefully it wouldn't make them get rid of the animals.) Then at least there could be a loophole for the hotel? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

A weekend visit won't kill you and it sounds like it would mean a lot to them. But you should insist on a hotel as a compromise. If it offends them, so what, te alternative is that you stay home. And you should also talk with your husband about how uncomfortable your FIL makes you. DH should intervene in a conversation or tell your FIL to leave you alone. It sounds like making an effort to go and setting limits is worth a shot. If you offend them and the visit is terrible, you have an excuse for not going back again!

[Anonymous]

Stay in a hotel. A lot of your blah, blah, blah is solved by staying in a hotel. Done.