Inlaws Situation -My Inlaws are basically raising my SIL kids ( 6 and 7)

[Anonymous]

I am wondering if anyone is in a similar situation? My DH sister ( only sibling) struggled with alcohol/drugs/bad choices in her late teens/early twenties. Dropped out of college, married a horrible guy, and ended up having two children with him. This all happened to start right around when DH and I started dating, so I have never known his family with any other dynamic. It was so bad his Dad almost didn't come to our wedding because of drama with his sister, that is just one example but basically from day 1 our family has fallen very very low on there radar, which I do understand as his sister takes the full needs--but it is basically the mentality "we have our life together, they don't need to focus on us". In the past 5 years his sister has been clean, but is still an absentee mom. His parents bought her a house on the same street as there house, yet the kids stay at his parents house I would say 5 nights a week...so they pretty much are the parents. However--this means for us is our family ( including toddler daughter) are not really on there radar, they call very infrequently, visit even less and when they do come they usually bring the two grandchildren. I have an amazing family, and so just view this interaction as sad, but not a huge deal..however it has really started to get to my DH. He comes from a family though that doesn't talk about anything....literally anything. His parents are coming just them for the first time since DD was a newborn, this weekend. He has been telling me he wants to try to let them know that there lack of involvement /caring in his life is hard for him, and he wants them to know his daughter ( children as I am pregnant), however he is not really sure how best do this, as when he has tried in the past they just brush it off.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there a way to approach this situation? As the wife should I be there for this talk or should I let it be between him and his parents? Anyone who has been in a similar situation and has any tips is appreciated.

Not sure if it matters, but is family lives about a 9 hour drive away

[Anonymous]

I imagine these inlaws are pretty exhausted from having to essentially raise these grandchildren.
It might be they just don't have much energy left over after taking care of the kids that don't have any other parental support.
Perhaps you could offer to have the grandchildren come a visit with you. Sometimes grandparents can come too, but also sometimes they can just have some time to themselves.
I think giving them these breaks might help re-energize them, make it easier for them to reach out to your family.
As an added bonus, your kids can build a relationship with their cousins.
This may or may not work--it sounds like there is years of entrenched family dynamics in play, but might be worth a shot.

[Anonymous]

This might not help, but would it change things to remove the issue of your SIL from the story and just think of these kids as if they were your DH's much-younger siblings/half-siblings/step-siblings?

In that case, if I were in your boat, I'd welcome the two cousins whole-heartedly--one hopes they'll be important in the lives of your own children, and your children in their lives.

And then maybe there are ways to support the grandparents getting to know your toddler (and future sibling). For example, when they visit, could you or DH take the older kids out to do something the toddler wouldn't enjoy, leaving the grandparents with toddler and other parent?

I would try my best to be gentle with the grandparents, who sound like they are trying to step in and make sure these cousins have a good childhood. This doesn't mean they can't also be good grandparents to your children--but it is certainly likely that they will be a little more distracted and tired than many other grandparents their age.

As for your DH, I can certainly understand his frustration. Is there a way he can focus any conversation in a positive way, again not mentioning his sister? Better to say, "I'd like to spend more time with you, Mom and Dad! Here are some ideas I have..." then to complain that sister and her kids take all their attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine these inlaws are pretty exhausted from having to essentially raise these grandchildren.
It might be they just don't have much energy left over after taking care of the kids that don't have any other parental support.
Perhaps you could offer to have the grandchildren come a visit with you. Sometimes grandparents can come too, but also sometimes they can just have some time to themselves.
I think giving them these breaks might help re-energize them, make it easier for them to reach out to your family.
As an added bonus, your kids can build a relationship with their cousins.
This may or may not work--it sounds like there is years of entrenched family dynamics in play, but might be worth a shot.

+1

It sounds like things have greatly stabilized since you first entered the picture and the parties most closely involved may be afraid to rock the boat too much for fear of capsizing.

[Anonymous]

Op Here--thank you both for the replies!

The first reply ( about the cousins coming to stay with us alone) I have thought of, but we both work and DD is in Daycare--so unless they only came for a weekend ( could look into), am not sure what we would do for childcare? I am saving all my time for maternity leave --so have no vacation to stay home...however maybe down the road, that is a great idea.

As for the second , especially the part of taking the older kids to do something and leaving toddler with grandparents, that is a wonderful idea. I didn't want to give too much background and write the worlds longest post --but when his parents come with the children my DH and I take over as parents, we do everything kid related from baths to when they were little and didn't stay in bed would sleep in our bed with us---we play, we read to them---his parents love it because they get a "break". The "difficulty" started when we had our child, we would still do these things and then expect his parents to play with our child ( who again was a lot younger) so more just holding....and instead the niece/nephew get very jealous when they spend anytime with the baby. They insist on holding her, or playing with her--I hadn't thought ( duh) about completely removing them i.e. going to a park/something older and leaving the baby hold--so thank you, will suggest that.

I think for my husband he just really wants to feel like his parents know our children, this honestly helped in perhaps its not the view we had of them knowing our children ( one on one), but just something is better than nothing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not help, but would it change things to remove the issue of your SIL from the story and just think of these kids as if they were your DH's much-younger siblings/half-siblings/step-siblings?

In that case, if I were in your boat, I'd welcome the two cousins whole-heartedly--one hopes they'll be important in the lives of your own children, and your children in their lives.

And then maybe there are ways to support the grandparents getting to know your toddler (and future sibling). For example, when they visit, could you or DH take the older kids out to do something the toddler wouldn't enjoy, leaving the grandparents with toddler and other parent?

I would try my best to be gentle with the grandparents, who sound like they are trying to step in and make sure these cousins have a good childhood. This doesn't mean they can't also be good grandparents to your children--but it is certainly likely that they will be a little more distracted and tired than many other grandparents their age.

As for your DH, I can certainly understand his frustration. Is there a way he can focus any conversation in a positive way, again not mentioning his sister? Better to say, "I'd like to spend more time with you, Mom and Dad! Here are some ideas I have..." then to complain that sister and her kids take all their attention.

Brilliant spot on advice!

[Anonymous]

You don't need to be there when he talks to his parents, unless he wants you there for emotional support. I would think you being there would seem as though YOU were the one pushing the issue, and not HIM.

They are tired and don't have time for your kids. You should be grateful that your DH is not like his sister and you are not alone in raising your child.

Perhaps if you go and visit THEM instead of them coming to visit you? Or he could take your child over to see them and you stay home since you are pregnant?

I used to send my daughter over with her father to see his mom.

[Anonymous]

He should handle it if it's important to him. Not you. You shouldn't be there.

He's likely to be further disappointed - IL's may come up with ideas to be involved that are unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not help, but would it change things to remove the issue of your SIL from the story and just think of these kids as if they were your DH's much-younger siblings/half-siblings/step-siblings?

In that case, if I were in your boat, I'd welcome the two cousins whole-heartedly--one hopes they'll be important in the lives of your own children, and your children in their lives.

And then maybe there are ways to support the grandparents getting to know your toddler (and future sibling). For example, when they visit, could you or DH take the older kids out to do something the toddler wouldn't enjoy, leaving the grandparents with toddler and other parent?

I would try my best to be gentle with the grandparents, who sound like they are trying to step in and make sure these cousins have a good childhood. This doesn't mean they can't also be good grandparents to your children--but it is certainly likely that they will be a little more distracted and tired than many other grandparents their age.

As for your DH, I can certainly understand his frustration. Is there a way he can focus any conversation in a positive way, again not mentioning his sister? Better to say, "I'd like to spend more time with you, Mom and Dad! Here are some ideas I have..." then to complain that sister and her kids take all their attention.

I think this is great advice as well.

[Anonymous]

This is completely unhelpful and may come across as rude. I don't mean it to, I know I'd rather be corrected anonymously than by a friend or co-worker. You are using "there" in place of "their". Possibly phone error, but if not you should investigate the difference. Really not trying to be rude, I certainly make plenty of mistakes myself!!!!

[Anonymous]

"inlaws are pretty exhausted from having to essentially raise these grandchildren"

"likely that they will be a little more distracted and tired than many other grandparents their age. "
++

It's not a 'normal' situation at all, when your parents-in-law have had to step in and care for your niece/nephew 24/7. Agree with the PP's positive approach of talking about wanting to spend more time with them.

[Anonymous]

We have something similar in our family, although it has nothing to do with an incapable parent, rather one family taking full advantage and not realizing how great they have it. DHs parents do all sorts of extra stuff for one set of grandkids while the other grandkids always come second (as in not sure I can make it to Timmy's game I'm watching the cousins - every weekend). They even turned down helping with a medical appoinment because they had to watch the other kids. They do all this for free, btw. The rest of us pay for daycare/babysitters/camp. It bothers the siblings whose kids come second and who can never get a bit of help. The grandkids they cater to live very close while the others are 30 minutes away and I'm sure the parents would site this as their reasoning, but the message is loud and clear. The grandkids pick up on it, too.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your husband has to accept the situation.

My MIL raised her first grandchild from birth to toddlerhood because her son and DIL, despite being gainfully employed, highly educated people, somehow were too dysfunctional to be parents. 20 years later, that is by far her favorite grandchild and my kids count for very little.

DH and I certainly do NOT begrudge her this situation, which was not of her choosing. We admire her fortitude in rising to the occasion and taking care of our nephew when he could very well have starved to death or something. He is now a disturbed and dependent young man, because of course when he returned to live with his parents, they didn't take care of him, and it probably explains why my MIL continues to focus on his needs, despite her advancing age and failing health.

Your parents-in-law are good people. They're old. How can you ask that they focus on the portion of their family that is healthy and independent? I assume they love you all very much, but they can't and do not need to express this.

Perhaps your husband has suffered all his life from the fact that his parents always catered to his sister, sensing that she needed help the most. He HAS to get over this, with therapy if necessary. My oldest has special needs, and it is always difficult to balance the demands of all my children, given that my oldest takes the most of my time and energy.

[Anonymous]

19:27 again... posted too quickly.

My point is that life is not fair; time and perceived affection cannot be equally distributed, particularly in atypical situations where a family member needs more help than others, whether or not he "deserved" it.

My best friend has been in therapy for many years because she is working on getting rid of the resentment accumulated as a neglected younger child with a mentally ill older sibling. Her mother told her: "I don't need to worry about you. It's your sister I have to care for." Hard to hear! I think about this every day with my children, and work on giving each of them my love.