"I think I'm losing my friends".

[Anonymous]

This is what my almost 16 year old son told me. He has close friends that he's had since childhood and now that they're getting older they're drifting away from him. My son said they have different interest like dating and sports and my son doesn't really have an interest in these things. He told me he's sad because it's summer and his friends are doing things that he's not into so he's being left out of the group. I told him it's okay to have different interest and that he should make other friends that he has things in common with. I think I made him feel worse than he already does. What can I say to make him see it's not the end of the world or hurting his feelings.

[Anonymous]

It isn't the end of the world, but he probably is going to have a very lousy summer. Can he sign up for a class in something he is interested in?

[Anonymous]

I would advise him to take action to keep his friends. I went through something similar and wish wish wish I had had the guts to simply invite my drifting friends to do something, bowling, beach, pool, hike, kayaking, whatever. Just try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would advise him to take action to keep his friends. I went through something similar and wish wish wish I had had the guts to simply invite my drifting friends to do something, bowling, beach, pool, hike, kayaking, whatever. Just try.

I agree. And also, even if dating and sports are not his favorite things, a way to be included is to take can interest in something important to someone he cares about.

[Anonymous]

Even if he tries to keep these friends, they may want to move on. Even so I'd encourage him if he wants to try and get together with them casually like for pizza or a movie, something basic that doesn't emphasize their diverging interests.

If he fosters his own interests, he will meet likeminded friends, but when you feel like you're starting from scratch this can be very daunting. I'd just encourage him to pursue what he's interested in.

You're a good parent and it's so hard to know what to say in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise him to take action to keep his friends. I went through something similar and wish wish wish I had had the guts to simply invite my drifting friends to do something, bowling, beach, pool, hike, kayaking, whatever. Just try.

I agree. And also, even if dating and sports are not his favorite things, a way to be included is to take can interest in something important to someone he cares about.

OP here, while I think this is good advice, I think this should go both ways.

[Anonymous]

That's the summer I got certified as a lifeguard. A great job and I made a ton of new friends. Do you think he'd have any interest in something like that?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is hard and I feel for your son. Above all, please do not let him to sit around all summer feeling sorry for himself.

Even if he isn't the first phone call when his friends get together this summer, he doesn't have to drop out of "the group" or hanging with some of them indvidually, completely. Isn't there a movie he'd like to see, for example, that he could call one or more of them to accompany him to? These other guys won't be dating/ playing sports all summer. They could get together for a pizza at some point, but tell him that he may have to take the initiative.

Beyond that, he does need to find other things to do. What about volunteering or getting a paid job? Could he check out a new group of kids -- what about a church youth group? Or as someone else suggested, take a class just for fun. Even if he's not really into sports, he may enjoy a few lessons in something like golf or tennis.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. There's nothing you can say. Encourage him to hang out with them one on one - group mentality is brutal and less open-minded. Encourage him to pursue his interests. And just listen to him as he bitches. You can't fix everything.

[Anonymous]

He may not be able to hang on to the entire group, but he may be able to hang on to one friend. Is there one who he has known the longest or been closer with than the others. One friend once or twice a week during the summer may make an otherwise unbearable summer okay.

Also, you care about him. You love him. Plan one event each week that you can do together. Go to the fireworks, go to nationals games, go to orioles games, go to wolktrap for concerts. So over the course of the summer you go to ten events once each week and each event costs a hundred bucks that $1k; much cheaper than therapy.

Then if he has one friend that's one more event/hang out time. Combine that with sleeping late in the morning which they all do and before you'll know it the summer will be finished. It back to school and he'll again be too busy to be lonely.

It's not easy being a kid. So often they feel powerless and they don't understand why the world is often unkind. The good knew is that childhood is really quite short and we have the rest of our adult lives to choose our own schools, jobs, and friends. Also, as adults we are more likely to judged on the merits of our kindness, intelligence, and abilities rather than a small group of fickle children who are not even self-aware themselves. Not too long from now he'll wake up one morning and all of a sudden everything will be different; he'll have grown into manhood.

Good luck - know that it's hard and it's inescapable, you too will feel his pain, but know it is only temporary. Stick with him - love him and you'll both be fine

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I really believe part of my son's problem is he thinks his friends are "maturing" faster than he is. It happens. I'll mention some of these suggestions to him and maybe it will help save some of these friendships and make him feel better about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. There's nothing you can say. Encourage him to hang out with them one on one - group mentality is brutal and less open-minded. Encourage him to pursue his interests. And just listen to him as he bitches. You can't fix everything.

This, unfortunately. It's not like he can go on his friends' dates with them. And if he's no good at soccer/football or whatever sport this is, he's not going to do himself any favors by being the worst player on their teams.

One-on-one sounds good. Also, I like the idea of having him invite friends to do something he likes. Maybe you could take them (can he drive yet?) to Six Flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. There's nothing you can say. Encourage him to hang out with them one on one - group mentality is brutal and less open-minded. Encourage him to pursue his interests. And just listen to him as he bitches. You can't fix everything.

This, unfortunately. It's not like he can go on his friends' dates with them. And if he's no good at soccer/football or whatever sport this is, he's not going to do himself any favors by being the worst player on their teams.

One-on-one sounds good. Also, I like the idea of having him invite friends to do something he likes. Maybe you could take them (can he drive yet?) to Six Flags?

He likes playing with video games and Legos (yes Legos), but his friends have outgrown these things. He's not driving, but a few of his friends are. Six Flags would be a great idea just as long as they don't try to bring their girlfriends along.

[Anonymous]

When this happened to my DS I later found out the friends were starting to use pot. Unfortunately, six months later he started hanging out with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He likes playing with video games and Legos (yes Legos), but his friends have outgrown these things. He's not driving, but a few of his friends are. Six Flags would be a great idea just as long as they don't try to bring their girlfriends along.

Hmmm... I have to say I tend side with his friends on this one. His interest in lego might set him up well to pursue an engineering degree though. Can be lucrative, if not always the path to social or sexual success.