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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.[/quote]

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What [b]you [/b]can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash [i]her [/i]undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.

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