when you don't get along with your parents and there's a GC

[Anonymous]

My parents love to visit DC but we just don't get along. They're the complete opposite of light-hearted-- they hardly ever laugh and everything offends them. Every topic has to be serious, about religion, politics, family, etc. My mother pretty much runs over my father to the point where he just sits quietly or, at the other end of the spectrum, gets worked up when she gets worked up when I disagree with them. At this point, every visit is dreaded. I do not want to keep them separate from DC, but I just, can't, stand, having, them, around for more than one or two days. They insist on coming for week-long visits. By the 3rd day I want to lock myself in the bedroom.

DH tries to deal with them but they're like water and oil when put together. I try to stay out of the way when they're with DC-- we'll go to a movie or I'll get out of the house to get my nails done. At least they get a hotel, but usually they try to stick around until it's time for DC to go to bed, so we're talking about 8+ hour per day power visits. I'd like to suggest they cut it down but they won't. They like to come at least once a month but I'd rather they push it to every two months. They're retired with a lot of money and even more time on their hands.

I try, DH tries, and as I said, they love DC but sometimes these visits feel like they're forced on my by a family court. They show up at my door and then storm in as soon as it's opened looking for DC. Is there any way to make this more palatable for the rest of DC's childhood? FWIW, as I look back on my own childhood I see how in some ways, while we had what we needed and they were "good" parents, it was very intense, very hard. They were not the easiest people to get along with and they made many aspects of my childhood hard and I don't want them having a big role in my personal life now that I'm an adult. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of paranoia, a lot of fights with people on the outside over ridiculous things, a lot of badmouthing other people, too much religion and not enough reason, not enough taking a step back and enjoying the present and what you do have... they seem to try to make up for their behavior a lot with generosity but once in a while my mother will pull a "we're very generous to you and your family, so the least you can do is XXX"

I don't know how to handle this anymore other than locking myself in the bedroom or taking a Paxil.

[Anonymous]

what the hell is a gc?

[Anonymous]

Grandchild?

[Anonymous]

Gracious sakes, a whole week of every month? I think you're going to have to be straight-up with them and be willing to risk a blow-up...because, frankly, continuing the way things are is risking a blow-up too.

"Mom and Dad, we love you so much, and we're glad you're generous with your time and energy. We're starting to get busier and busier, and it's just not working for us anymore to have such frequent visits...."

And then here you need a suggestion to make relevant to your situation, but I think something like a three day weekend three months after the most recent visit would be right.

And then to the inevitable opposition: "Yes, I know you're disappointed. Let's be thankful things have worked out for us to see each other so much for so long, and now our calendar is just getting fuller. I hope you'll consider the invitation." And then get off the phone as soon as possible and brace yourself to hold firm for any blow-back guilt-tripping after that.

Be prepared to say over and over: "That's just not going to work, Mom." "I'm sorry, that's not an option for us." It may be yucky for awhile, but you've got to find a way to break this pattern and settle into a new one that doesn't make you crazy.

[Anonymous]

They come into your house when you invite them in. You answer the phone or not. You answer the door or not. You decide. They stay at a hotel. You have the power to limit the amount of time you're together. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

The only reason I have a relationship with my mother is because she lives in Europe, and we only see each other once a year at most.

So definitely limit the visits, even in the face of strong opposition! After the storm blows over (and it will, because they love your child!), your relationship will be much improved.

[Anonymous]

OP here. GC=grandchild. I've seen it used here before.

To the PP, I have been trying to set boundaries. They push back quite a bit. I almost feel sorry for them because DS has become their #1 reason to keep breathing. They see family in a very "all or nothing" sort of way. That's how it was in their own families. Either, we're up your butt 24/7, or we embark on a 30 year grudge match. They will also say manipulative things like, "Seeing DS makes us very happy. He brings us so much joy and we hope to see him again soon."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. GC=grandchild. I've seen it used here before.

To the PP, I have been trying to set boundaries. They push back quite a bit. I almost feel sorry for them because DS has become their #1 reason to keep breathing. They see family in a very "all or nothing" sort of way. That's how it was in their own families. Either, we're up your butt 24/7, or we embark on a 30 year grudge match. They will also say manipulative things like, "Seeing DS makes us very happy. He brings us so much joy and we hope to see him again soon."

There's a quote from another forum I frequent that seems appropriate here: Sometimes you have to be the bigger b****. Seriously.

So, seeing your son makes them happy? Great! That doesn't mean you have to schedule another visit immediately. "I'm so glad you enjoy him, Mom!" And then change topic.

You're trained to hear the message behind what they're saying, and you need to start training yourself not to care. They're willing to sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind for theirs, right? Time to say no. It will make them unhappy, but that's not your problem. If they see your child as their sole source of happiness, that's unhealthy. Reducing access isn't a crime committed against them. Your parents need to find ways to spend their time and be happy that don't include you and your kid.

[Anonymous]

Facetime. They can see the kid and then you can hang up.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Boundries by Henry Cloud

[Anonymous]

I was thinking there was a General Contractor involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking there was a General Contractor involved.

I thought Gestational Carrier (clearly too much time on the infertility forums!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They come into your house when you invite them in. You answer the phone or not. You answer the door or not. You decide. They stay at a hotel. You have the power to limit the amount of time you're together. Get a grip.

+1

When they call for a visit, let them know ahead of time that they can't stay all day with you. Give them visiting hours and stick to it. When it's time for them to leave, let them know, visiting hours are over because you have to do X, or Y. (maybe an appointment out of the house?).

[Anonymous]

I thought it was general counsel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what the hell is a gc?

I was thinking GOLF COURSE membership you inherit.