when you don't get along with your parents and there's a GC

"I almost feel sorry for them because DS has become their #1 reason to keep breathing. "

This is your problem op. They are using your child as a crutch to their mental health and that is sick. It is a horrible thing to do to a child. You are not responsible for your parents mental health and you are using your child as a proxy. I would also not let your child be with them without supervision.

You need to step back and spend less time with them. You are going to need have to grow up and stand up to them if they push back.

report

06/22/2014 15:20

Subject: when you don't get along with your parents and there's a GC

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:My parents love to visit DC but we just don't get along. They're the complete opposite of light-hearted-- they hardly ever laugh and everything offends them. Every topic has to be serious, about religion, politics, family, etc. My mother pretty much runs over my father to the point where he just sits quietly or, at the other end of the spectrum, gets worked up when she gets worked up when I disagree with them. At this point, every visit is dreaded. I do not want to keep them separate from DC, but I just, can't, stand, having, them, around for more than one or two days. They insist on coming for week-long visits. By the 3rd day I want to lock myself in the bedroom.

DH tries to deal with them but they're like water and oil when put together. I try to stay out of the way when they're with DC-- we'll go to a movie or I'll get out of the house to get my nails done. At least they get a hotel, but usually they try to stick around until it's time for DC to go to bed, so we're talking about 8+ hour per day power visits. I'd like to suggest they cut it down but they won't. They like to come at least once a month but I'd rather they push it to every two months. They're retired with a lot of money and even more time on their hands.

I try, DH tries, and as I said, they love DC but sometimes these visits feel like they're forced on my by a family court. They show up at my door and then storm in as soon as it's opened looking for DC. Is there any way to make this more palatable for the rest of DC's childhood? FWIW, as I look back on my own childhood I see how in some ways, while we had what we needed and they were "good" parents, it was very intense, very hard. They were not the easiest people to get along with and they made many aspects of my childhood hard and I don't want them having a big role in my personal life now that I'm an adult. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of paranoia, a lot of fights with people on the outside over ridiculous things, a lot of badmouthing other people, too much religion and not enough reason, not enough taking a step back and enjoying the present and what you do have... they seem to try to make up for their behavior a lot with generosity but once in a while my mother will pull a "we're very generous to you and your family, so the least you can do is XXX"

I don't know how to handle this anymore other than locking myself in the bedroom or taking a Paxil.

I have no real advice, as I do not and could not allow this, but you write really well, so perhaps putting this in a letter might be a way to make your views clear. It sounds exhausting.

report

06/22/2014 16:10

Subject: when you don't get along with your parents and there's a GC

quote

Anonymous

""we're very generous to you and your family, so the least you can do is XXX"

OP, what are you accepting from your family? Money? Free babysitting? You should take nothing. Then you owe them nothing. You will be able to think clearly and make good decisions. Don't ever be indebted.

I feel there's more binding you together than you're letting on.