in-law drama and vacation. advice?

[Anonymous]

I am planning a vacation with DH. We are planning on my 2.5 year old to visit his grandparent's house for the first time. He loves them, see's them on facetime about once a week and in person about once every three months. We have not been there to see them in three years due to the fact that he does not talk to his sisters. It's super complicated and a lot of family baggage I won't go into, but we have been left out of holidays for the past few years, because a) we don't invite ourselves and b) husband won't talk to his sisters and they live there. So fast forward 2 years, I have a baby, my mom dies, which puts whole new perspective on everything, and we are vacationing near their town. DH wants to leave son there for a couple nights. I'm desperate for some child-free vacation but am not comfortable sending him off if I have not stepped foot in their house. I have been hinting for an invite, and now I am at the point where I am going to have a major meltdown. what would you do?

[Anonymous]

DH's sisters live at the in-laws house or just in their town? If the in-laws are up for a visit from your son, then I would let them keep him for a night, after I dropped him off and was in the house for a bit (just to make sure no one had gone all hoarders since the last visit, or anything crazy like that). I wouldn't do an extended drop off with people who you don't socialize with.

Are you friendly with your in-laws at all? Can you just call your mother-in-law and see what she thinks (she'd love if everyone came over, she might be up for one or 2 days, or the like)?

[Anonymous]

Wait, have you asked DH's parents if they'll babysit or is your DH just planning to do so? I think that for a favor like that, it's not about hinting for an invite, it's about asking. That said, the whole dynamic seems odd, but they are obviously okay with DH not visiting since they continue to make the effort to visit you. I guess if DH is okay, I would be too (as long as he *asks* his parents well in advance)...though you should ask him outright how he plans on handling his sisters since it's more than likely he'll encounter them and your DS is old enough to wonder why he hasn't met his aunts ever.

[Anonymous]

They're essentially strangers at this point, no way would I leave my child under those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH asked weeks ago and they are ok with it. But one sister lives at home. I miss them (sisters) and want them to be a part of my son's life. But DH is not putting any energy into reconciliation. Your right, if they are in the house- they would be strangers. and he really is old enough to know what a stranger is, but is he old enough to realize he has aunts he doesn't talk to? I wonder if he would sense the tension without knowing how to describe it. I wish I could protect him from any tension. I know everyone in the house is a kind, responsible person and my in laws want the best for him, but no one is dealing with this. I need to ask for what I want. I want to drop him off and spend time there before leaving him for a night. that makes sense, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH asked weeks ago and they are ok with it. But one sister lives at home. I miss them (sisters) and want them to be a part of my son's life. But DH is not putting any energy into reconciliation. Your right, if they are in the house- they would be strangers. and he really is old enough to know what a stranger is, but is he old enough to realize he has aunts he doesn't talk to? I wonder if he would sense the tension without knowing how to describe it. I wish I could protect him from any tension. I know everyone in the house is a kind, responsible person and my in laws want the best for him, but no one is dealing with this. I need to ask for what I want. I want to drop him off and spend time there before leaving him for a night. that makes sense, right?

Um, yes. I wouldn't drop my kid anywhere without knowing what the house is like, in-laws or not. You don't know how child-proof it is, etc... and that doesn't even get in to the weird sister issue.

Is your 2.5 year old really going to be okay with you dropping him off for one night, much less several nights, in a strange house with people he knows mostly through Facetime, as well as people he doesn't know at all? My kids wouldn't.

In the situation you describe, I would not be comfortable leaving my child for an extended period-- maybe for an evening so you and DH can have a date night, but overnight? Nope.

[Anonymous]

No way would I leave my child in a home he's never been in with grandparents he barely knows...not to mention with grandparents who I've not seen much one on one with my child.

The fantasy family you want is not the family you have, OP, and it would be best to deal with reality. I'm sorry for the recent loss of your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're essentially strangers at this point, no way would I leave my child under those circumstances.

This

[Anonymous]

My kids at 2 would have freaked out at being left like baggage with people they barely know,

[Anonymous]

In the OP it says the kid sees his grandparents in person every three months, I wouldn't call that "virtual strangers." (The sisters yes, but not the parents.)

OP, how does your son do at other drop-off type situations (for an afternoon or whatnot)?

[Anonymous]

You say you see them in person every three months. Do they come stay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're essentially strangers at this point, no way would I leave my child under those circumstances.

++

[Anonymous]

Have you left your child alone with ANYone for that long?

I would think a 2.5 year old would go bonkers the minute you left, no matter who you left him with. You'll end up going back to get him at 2 in the morning, which probably won't do much to mend fences with the SILs.

[Anonymous]

I would not leave a 2.5 year old with grandparents he has only seen a handful of times. You don't know if their home is child proofed. Where do they keep medicine?

Find someone you know (preferably with kids of their own) to watch overnight.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it, but you would be much better off to trade off and even pay a friend to have your son stay with them for a night or two away trip with your DH. There are too many unknowns in this "possible arrangement" from the underlying sibling strife, to not knowing how child proofed the house is, to not knowing how your son will react in a strange house and with grandparents who are pretty much strangers. We just this summer will keep our 5.5 year old twin granddaughters who we see every couple of months at their home or here because it has just evolved that they have a much closer relationship with the other grandparents who more freely than we can "open their home" to them. We want the girls to be comfortable and to enjoy the week with us. We have watched them in their own home for a short time.

If you truly want things to change, then you need to talk to DH to have him talk to his sister(s) about whatever went down in the past. It would be the perfect time to say that neither side should feel a winner or loser when it is really their nephew and parents in terms of a possible close relationship. And perhaps you can share your thoughts with your in-laws who probably are trying to remain neutral to try and see if they can make the same pitch to SIL who is in their home. For this summer, you might lay the ground work by visiting your husband's family whether SIL is there or not, introducing the idea of saying with grandparents by one or two short times away during your area visit. It would give you some couple time and give you both a reasonable expectation that a longer overnight visit would work with your son and go from there.

Sad when adults can't find common ground, but I unfortunately see the biases my parents have held against their own siblings and one SIL still in old age and even after death. Harsh opinions can be set in stone for a lifetime, and I would strongly suggest to your husband whether he is right or not, that he is also now a father and time to at least to try to make things right with his sisters.