in-law drama and vacation. advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way would I leave my child in a home he's never been in with grandparents he barely knows...not to mention with grandparents who I've not seen much one on one with my child.

The fantasy family you want is not the family you have, OP, and it would be best to deal with reality. I'm sorry for the recent loss of your mom.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are dumping your children off at the IL's house - because you are soooo desperate for an adult vacation. This can't go well. Separate the two events. Yes, sounds like you and DH need an adult get-away. Find a sitter. Second, if your family visits the ILs, stay in a hotel - you'll need an exit strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're essentially strangers at this point, no way would I leave my child under those circumstances.

This. My son would've freaked out if I left him in a situation like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way would I leave my child in a home he's never been in with grandparents he barely knows...not to mention with grandparents who I've not seen much one on one with my child.

The fantasy family you want is not the family you have, OP, and it would be best to deal with reality. I'm sorry for the recent loss of your mom.

Yup. What she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are dumping your children off at the IL's house - because you are soooo desperate for an adult vacation. This can't go well. Separate the two events. Yes, sounds like you and DH need an adult get-away. Find a sitter. Second, if your family visits the ILs, stay in a hotel - you'll need an exit strategy.

I agree. What I don't get is that your DH refuses to see his sisters yet he's willing to drop his DS off at his sister's abode (albeit one she shares with their parents). So, it's okay for his DS and sister to interact but he won't? Your DH has issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH asked weeks ago and they are ok with it. But one sister lives at home. I miss them (sisters) and want them to be a part of my son's life. But DH is not putting any energy into reconciliation. Your right, if they are in the house- they would be strangers. and he really is old enough to know what a stranger is, but is he old enough to realize he has aunts he doesn't talk to? I wonder if he would sense the tension without knowing how to describe it. I wish I could protect him from any tension. I know everyone in the house is a kind, responsible person and my in laws want the best for him, but no one is dealing with this. I need to ask for what I want. I want to drop him off and spend time there before leaving him for a night. that makes sense, right?

Um, yes. I wouldn't drop my kid anywhere without knowing what the house is like, in-laws or not. You don't know how child-proof it is, etc... and that doesn't even get in to the weird sister issue.

Is your 2.5 year old really going to be okay with you dropping him off for one night, much less several nights, in a strange house with people he knows mostly through Facetime, as well as people he doesn't know at all? My kids wouldn't.

In the situation you describe, I would not be comfortable leaving my child for an extended period-- maybe for an evening so you and DH can have a date night, but overnight? Nope.


I agree, this is a recipe for disaster. Your child doesnt know them well enough.

[Anonymous]

OP- Thanks for reality check. Yes, I got to make this easier for DS and all of us, not just drop him off. For the record, I've been to ILs house many times before (pre-baby) and they are lovely people whom I trust. That to me was never the issue. Do they have a strong enough bond to have a sleepover without me- despite the fact they have visited us many times? I am unsure and would feel more comfortable going there for a night with him. But DH can't go with me because of other relationship strain. this is what really hurts. I risk hurting my relationship with my husband by standing up for what I think is right. but so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- Thanks for reality check. Yes, I got to make this easier for DS and all of us, not just drop him off. For the record, I've been to ILs house many times before (pre-baby) and they are lovely people whom I trust. That to me was never the issue. Do they have a strong enough bond to have a sleepover without me- despite the fact they have visited us many times? I am unsure and would feel more comfortable going there for a night with him. But DH can't go with me because of other relationship strain. this is what really hurts. I risk hurting my relationship with my husband by standing up for what I think is right. but so be it.

Dude, it's his family! Do you really hear yourself? Say your piece to your DH, once, but then drop it. You can't fight this fight for him, and you can't magically make things right for him either just because you want a functional extended family.

If you push, you may come to find out personally why DH has never tried to heal the breach in the relationship. For crying out loud, don't go stay with his parents at a house where he's not welcome. Let it go. Focus on your marriage. Take care of your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- Thanks for reality check. Yes, I got to make this easier for DS and all of us, not just drop him off. For the record, I've been to ILs house many times before (pre-baby) and they are lovely people whom I trust. That to me was never the issue. Do they have a strong enough bond to have a sleepover without me- despite the fact they have visited us many times? I am unsure and would feel more comfortable going there for a night with him. But DH can't go with me because of other relationship strain. this is what really hurts. I risk hurting my relationship with my husband by standing up for what I think is right. but so be it.

Dude, it's his family! Do you really hear yourself? Say your piece to your DH, once, but then drop it. You can't fight this fight for him, and you can't magically make things right for him either just because you want a functional extended family.

If you push, you may come to find out personally why DH has never tried to heal the breach in the relationship. For crying out loud, don't go stay with his parents at a house where he's not welcome. Let it go. Focus on your marriage. Take care of your DH.

OP can you explain more of the backstory between DH and his sisters? My FIL and his brother are estranged but the more I hear about it, they're just both being stubborn and neither will make a move to reconcile.

I can understand you want your son to know his extended family, and why you want to stay there the first night to make sure he's ok. FWIW, both of our sets of parents live several states away and only see our kids every few months too, and over Facetime. So a pretty similar situation in that regard, and they certainly don't regard their grandparents as "strangers!" We travelled to ILs last year and left our kids with their grandparents for a couple nights, but we did stay a night to get them settled in. They had a blast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- Thanks for reality check. Yes, I got to make this easier for DS and all of us, not just drop him off. For the record, I've been to ILs house many times before (pre-baby) and they are lovely people whom I trust. That to me was never the issue. Do they have a strong enough bond to have a sleepover without me- despite the fact they have visited us many times? I am unsure and would feel more comfortable going there for a night with him. But DH can't go with me because of other relationship strain. this is what really hurts. I risk hurting my relationship with my husband by standing up for what I think is right. but so be it.

Dude, it's his family! Do you really hear yourself? Say your piece to your DH, once, but then drop it. You can't fight this fight for him, and you can't magically make things right for him either just because you want a functional extended family.

If you push, you may come to find out personally why DH has never tried to heal the breach in the relationship. For crying out loud, don't go stay with his parents at a house where he's not welcome. Let it go. Focus on your marriage. Take care of your DH.

Eh I think the husband is being a bit unreasonable here- wants his folks to watch his son, but won't tolerate a night of potential discomfort to get him settled in? Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're essentially strangers at this point, no way would I leave my child under those circumstances.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Eh I think the husband is being a bit unreasonable here- wants his folks to watch his son, but won't tolerate a night of potential discomfort to get him settled in? Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

+1

I don't think you should leave your child there by himself. Just a problem waiting to happen. Just because you spend a night doesn't mean he will want to spend the night alone with them. My parents were there all the time when my first child was born, yet around a year old, she refused to spend the night with them (sep. anxiety.)

you need to make other arrangements to have date night. This isn't it.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of this totally depends on the kid's comfort level- some would be fine, some wouldn't. OP is best judge of this. Have grandparents ever watched him for a few hours alone?

I also agree that the husband needs to grow up- this sister can't be that horrible, or he wouldn't let his son stay in the same house as her, right? Has anyone explained to your son why he has aunts he's never met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Eh I think the husband is being a bit unreasonable here- wants his folks to watch his son, but won't tolerate a night of potential discomfort to get him settled in? Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

+1

I don't think you should leave your child there by himself. Just a problem waiting to happen. Just because you spend a night doesn't mean he will want to spend the night alone with them. My parents were there all the time when my first child was born, yet around a year old, she refused to spend the night with them (sep. anxiety.)

you need to make other arrangements to have date night. This isn't it.

Actually, it seems like a date night would be a great trial run before going away for a weekend! Date night should come first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- Thanks for reality check. Yes, I got to make this easier for DS and all of us, not just drop him off. For the record, I've been to ILs house many times before (pre-baby) and they are lovely people whom I trust. That to me was never the issue. Do they have a strong enough bond to have a sleepover without me- despite the fact they have visited us many times? I am unsure and would feel more comfortable going there for a night with him. But DH can't go with me because of other relationship strain. this is what really hurts. I risk hurting my relationship with my husband by standing up for what I think is right. but so be it.

Dude, it's his family! Do you really hear yourself? Say your piece to your DH, once, but then drop it. You can't fight this fight for him, and you can't magically make things right for him either just because you want a functional extended family.

If you push, you may come to find out personally why DH has never tried to heal the breach in the relationship. For crying out loud, don't go stay with his parents at a house where he's not welcome. Let it go. Focus on your marriage. Take care of your DH.

Eh I think the husband is being a bit unreasonable here- wants his folks to watch his son, but won't tolerate a night of potential discomfort to get him settled in? Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

+1. Something doesn't add up.