Family member that smokes - coming to visit?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have typically had my father and his wife stay with us when the visit us. We have also stayed with them in the past when we visit them, many states away. Now that I'm expecting, we've changed the latter. The last time we visited, we stayed at a nearby hotel -- because my stepmother is a chain smoker. Although she says she only smokes outside, their entire house reeks of smoke and so do all of their clothes. My doctor had advised me not to stay overnight in their house because of the secondhand smoke.

I'm due later this year, and they want to come visit us after the baby is born. In previous visits, we've just had her smoke outside and then dealt with getting the smoke smell out of our house after they've gone back home. What do we do now? I don't think I want her sleeping in my house, even if she smokes outside, with my newborn. Would I be a crazy, overbearing FTM to have them stay in a hotel, definitely not smoke at my house, and have her change her shirt (and of course wash her hands) before holding the baby? I just cringe at the thought of her holding the baby so close to a sweater that reeks of smoke.

So, am I overreacting to the idea of thirdhand smoke? I hate to add additional costs to their trip for the hotel and have my father not be in the same home as the baby, but I'm not sure what else to do.

[Anonymous]

I would relax and have them stay. Plenty of us grew up in houses where people smoked and turned out OK. While it is not ideal, a couple of days being held by someone who smokes is not going to do any harm.

[Anonymous]

You're not going to want house guests the first few weeks anyhow, but I don't think it's a big deal to have someone sleep in your house if they smoke outside. Just have her wash her hands and take off her jacket (assuming it will be cold outside) before holding the baby. You could offer to pay for a hotel for them for their first visit and then have them stay at your house once things aren't so crazy with a new baby. Definitely stay in a hotel when you visit them.

[Anonymous]

If she is smoking outside, why does the inside of your house smell after the visit? Does she smoke in front of open windows? Are you neurotic?

I hate smoke, too, but I don't get the big deal about people smoking outside and changing/washing up. That is perfectly fine for your situation.

[Anonymous]

I am an ex smoker and I have absolutely no qualms about telling, not asking, everyone who visits my house that both inside and outside my house is a no smoking zone. Only a fool smokes.

[Anonymous]

When we host my aunt or FIL, both are normally is chain smokers, we have them go outside to smoke at a bench that's not near our windows. We also ask them to wear an outer layer while smoking that they remove before coming back in.

Even though they normally do smoke all day long, the inconvenience of having to go outside, put on this jacket & then take it off again, is enough to reduce the frequency. So they only take a few smoke breaks a day - they sort of hold out until they're uncomfortable enough to bother getting up and going outside.

They also have one of those faux cigarettes that just emits steam, so if they feel the need to fidget, they can use that between actual smokes.

[Anonymous]

Can she use an e-cigarette? One of my coworkers is a chain smoker and this is what she does when she flies or stays at other people's houses.

[Anonymous]

Nope, you're not over-reacting. I'd just say "I'm so sorry, but our DD's pediatrician said we absolutely can not have any smokers stay at our house due to the second and third-hand smoke. We're happy to help you find a nearby hotel."

I hate the smell of smoke - it gives me a bad headache - and don't want to inhale that second and thirdhand smoke, plus I grew out of childhood asthma in my early 20's. I certainly don't want my kid inhaling that shit. I have no qualms about setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are air-purifiers that are similar to fans -- they circulate air while removing secondhand smoke. So you might want to get one for the guest bedroom, or the baby's room.

No, I would not tell them they are not allowed to sleep over and need to stay in a hotel. They're family.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them for this time only that it would be better if they stayed at a hotel. don't make it about the smoking at all. just about privacy and comfort.
then when they come address the smoking by asking them to wear a special blanket.

I had this issue with my MIL. can't tell you how pissed I was to smell cig smoke on my day old baby. she eventually quit thankfully, but it really got me upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she use an e-cigarette? One of my coworkers is a chain smoker and this is what she does when she flies or stays at other people's houses.

Sadly, no, we have tried that before. And to the other PP about why it smells in the house if she smokes outside, it just does - she smokes so often that the scent is stuck on her and the area of the couch where she usually camps out when visiting smells of smoke still once they're gone. Plus the guest room they use.

[Anonymous]

I would get an air purifier for inside - and also a fan for the porch or wherever she smokes so the smoke blows away from her. I am a former smoker and I've noticed that smoke smell sticks more to clothes the more humid it is.

I will also have a newborn soon and I would make a decision based on the length of the visit. If it is only a weekend or 3-4 days, I would go with the purifier and fan. A week or 10 days - I may see if they can stay somewhere else. Before the next visit time / length is negotiated, I would either say that pregnancy has really messed with you and made you very sensitive to smells like smoke. Or say that after they left the baby was coughing and congested and the pediatrician said she is very sensitive to smoke and smog. My mom developed a lot of allergies after I was born, so it's plausible.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the "you might not want them staying at the house now anyway" camp. Depending on how close it is to the birth, you might only have them there two or three nights, that's not bad for a hotel length. Point out that you'd like them to get a good night's sleep, which they won't at your house!

And, yes, ask her to put on a clean shirt before she holds the baby. Anyone has to wash hands to hold the baby anyway.

Blame this all on your pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

For loving, wonderful family, I would make accommodations for them.

1. No smoking in the house
2. Smoking only in designated areas

I wouldn't go over the top and ask them to wear a smoking jacket or not hold the baby. They won't be there for long, you know.

If you have a special relationship with them such that you can tell them *anything* and still be met with a loving (rather then defensive) response--which is the case with my parents--I can imagine an exchange like this:

"Dad, I'm so excited to have you meet the baby and the baby meet you and Nana. Grandparents are the best--she'll grow to love you both so much! But I have a little thing I want to ask you about, and please forgive me for bring it up. Maybe I'm being neurotic and you can help be brainstorm solutions.

Basically, I'm worried about the smoking. For a couple reasons. First, you know that it's not good for you, but you're grown ups and that's your choice. I make choices too, I get that. But second, I'm worried about second hand smoke and the baby. I know you'll only smoke outside, but I heard that the smoke on clothes can have an impact too, things like second had smoke triggering asthma and stuff on developing lungs. In a perfect world, I'd love my baby to love you without cigarette smoke in the air or on clothes coming between you. Do you think I'm being crazy? Do you think there's a way to address this in a way that keeps my new mom nerves in check? I'll admit I'm not being totally rational right now--I'm in new mama bear mode. Ihink I could probably lift a semi truck off the ground to save my baby, no kidding."

Dad: "Honey, I totally get what you're saying. I don't think a little smoke on my clothes will hurt the baby too much. But I understand that you're a new mom and you want what's best for your little one. How about this: I'll wear a robe when I go outside for a smoke, and take the robe off when I come back in. We'll wash our hands and stuff. Would that be okay?"

You: "Yeah. Thank you. Maybe a patch would help, too, to curb the cravings a little bit? I don't know, think about it. I'm sorry to bring up the smoking thing. I love you, you know. I want you to stick around for a long time."

Dad: "I love you too. I'll tell Nana about it, don't worry. We'll do our best."

And then they'll come over and smell like smoke, but they'll do their best.

A little second hand smoke for the first few weeks probably won't hurt baby for the long term. Tho if baby has asthma, then of course, other steps must be taken. Probably won't be an issue.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an ex smoker and I have absolutely no qualms about telling, not asking, everyone who visits my house that both inside and outside my house is a no smoking zone. Only a fool smokes.

This is me too only my whole family smokes. I'm the only one who doesn't

I've even told my mother and she got super hurt.
But luckily I'm not close to any of them, so we never visit. None of our friends smoke so that is never an issue.