Family member that smokes - coming to visit?

[Anonymous]

You can do whatever you want to do. It is your baby and you make the call. We told my brother in law that if he wanted to hold the baby, he couldn't smoke before. They will understand I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an ex smoker and I have absolutely no qualms about telling, not asking, everyone who visits my house that both inside and outside my house is a no smoking zone. Only a fool smokes.

This is me too only my whole family smokes. I'm the only one who doesn't

I've even told my mother and she got super hurt.
But luckily I'm not close to any of them, so we never visit. None of our friends smoke so that is never an issue.

Luckily your children will grow up not knowing one side of their family. Maybe luckily isn't the right word choice here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your exact post when I was expecting my daughter 4 years ago. Both of my in-laws smoke and I freaking HATE it. (Well, okay, I don't much care for them anyway, but the fact that they smoke really doesn't do much to endear them to me.) Like you, I was really concerned about the third-hand smoke issue when my daughter was a newborn (see, for example,
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791).

Thankfully my in-laws never stay with us, but if they were in the habit of doing so, I would have used the "I don't want anyone but my own mom staying with us" line to get them to stay in a hotel. Having a newborn is stressful enough. You do NOT have to accommodate people in your own house that you don't want to be staying there. Your husband should back you up on this, and be the one to talk to his parents about it.

As for my wish to have my in-laws go through a complete decontamination process after every cigarette (shower, wash hair, change clothes, brush teeth) -- well, obviously that wasn't going to happen. They washed their hands before holding the baby, of course, and then I would practice deep breathing and try to focus on the fact that they were bathing her in love (as opposed to toxins). At her first peep, I would whisk her away to nurse or check a diaper or just because I am her mom and I wanted to hold her. And I didn't care what they thought. The bottom line is that I resented them for putting me in the position of being forced to let my daughter get that close to known cancer-causing chemicals in her first days of life. And yes, I know life entails risk every day (before someone asks me if I dared to drive home with my newborn in a car, THE RISKIEST THING YOU CAN DO!!!!) -- but it's not like they even made an effort to use an e-cigarette or chew nicorette or whatever. I think it's bullshit that a smoker's addiction forces their non-smoking loved ones to compromise their OWN health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relax and have them stay. Plenty of us grew up in houses where people smoked and turned out OK. While it is not ideal, a couple of days being held by someone who smokes is not going to do any harm.

This exactly. I think you run the risk of offending them to the point of damaging the relationship if you disinvite them because of the baby and smoking. If she smokes outside, the baby wouldn't even get second hand smoke. You're just imagining any risk to the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would relax and have them stay. Plenty of us grew up in houses where people smoked and turned out OK. While it is not ideal, a couple of days being held by someone who smokes is not going to do any harm.

This exactly. I think you run the risk of offending them to the point of damaging the relationship if you disinvite them because of the baby and smoking. If she smokes outside, the baby wouldn't even get second hand smoke. You're just imagining any risk to the baby.

This is completely disingenuous. There are real risks to second- and third-hand smoke (which is the "smell" that lingers on clothes, hair, skin, upholstery, etc well after a cigarette has been smoked).

OP, you do NOT have to have anyone stay at your house that makes you uncomfortable. Especially with a newborn. Even in the name of keeping the family peace. Your in-laws are big kids too, and they can compromise by staying at a hotel (since obviously quitting smoking is out of the question).

[Anonymous]

I personally wouldn't let them stay at my house. I had asthma as a baby, child and still as an adult. Cigarette smoke even second hand makes breathing more difficult. You're talking about exposing your newborn to a toxic substance. The people telling you second hand smoke is no big deal are ignoring the research that states otherwise. Your child's health is more important than the potential hurt feeling of your dad and step mom.

If you don't think you can have them stay elsewhere then I would set up a designated area away from windows and intake fans and have her change her shirt to a clean one before she comes back in the house. And make sure she washes her hands.

Smoking causes breathing problems and cigarettes are full of toxins. Is this really something you feel ok subjecting a newborn to?

[Anonymous]

I'd have no problem telling them they need to stay at a hotel if it is as bad as you say. I'd also make her wash her hands before holding the baby - my pediatrician said many small children have high levels of lead because it is found in cigarettes and transferred when holding hands.

When I was pregnant with my first child I flat out told my stepfather he needed to stop smoking cigars. It was not a regular thing for him, but I told him it was not acceptable. He stopped.

[Anonymous]

My mom smokes. Not a ton, but a couple a day. They stayed with us when my son was a newborn. She would go and sit in their car outside to smoke. She kept her cigarettes, ashtray, and lighter out there. Our ped recommended she wear a "smoking shirt" when she smoked too. So my mom would put on a shirt over her clothes when she smoked. I'm not sure if it totally cut down on smoke smells, but it made me feel a little better and she was more than willing to do it. I suppose I am lucky in that she completely respects the no-smoking rule in our house.

In addition, I grew up with both parents smoking. A lot. I turned out fine, with no respiratory issues. To be honest I always hated the smoking and I've never even tried to smoke anything.

Congrats on your baby!

[Anonymous]

Not to defend chain smoking grandparents, but whenever these threads come up, I always wonder if there were as many nonsmokers who were allergic to smoke or get headaches from the mere odor of tobacco back when the vast majority of the country smoked.

Did they just suffer in silence or have we become more sensitive (like the peanut and other food allergies)?

[Anonymous]

My step mother in law smokes. She does it outside a few times a day. It does not make my house smell. In this kind of situation I think the family relationship is more important than negative health impact from a short stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to defend chain smoking grandparents, but whenever these threads come up, I always wonder if there were as many nonsmokers who were allergic to smoke or get headaches from the mere odor of tobacco back when the vast majority of the country smoked.

Did they just suffer in silence or have we become more sensitive (like the peanut and other food allergies)?

I believe research did find that children and adults who were around smokers were more likely to suffer a number of ill effects, whether non-scientists knew it was from smoking or not. So there's that causal-correlation research.

But the other thing is, if you're not around smoking and then suddenly you come in contact with it, you DEFINITELY notice it. Back in "the day," there was so much smoking in public and private, that maybe ppl got psychologically (not physically) used to the smell. But I'll tell you, I can smell cigar or cigarette smoke from a great distance, and yeah, I find it totally unpleasant. My instinct is to get the hell away. It's narsty.

One of our regular UPS drivers must be a chain smoker. The boxes he delivers smell like smoke, get close to him and he smells like a stale cigarette. I don't think he's evil. I think he's addicted. Super nice guy. (Just, please, keep your distance!)

[Anonymous]

Smokers REEK. She could smoke in the next county but she'll still carry the smoke and nicotine in her clothes. Her pores will leak nicotine on everything she touches.

You don't need to change your lifestyle to accommodate her. Your baby and home environment are more important than putting up with her addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an ex smoker and I have absolutely no qualms about telling, not asking, everyone who visits my house that both inside and outside my house is a no smoking zone. Only a fool smokes.

This is me too only my whole family smokes. I'm the only one who doesn't

I've even told my mother and she got super hurt.
But luckily I'm not close to any of them, so we never visit. None of our friends smoke so that is never an issue.

Luckily your children will grow up not knowing one side of their family. Maybe luckily isn't the right word choice here.

Lucky is the word.

They are mean, horrible people. I tried to make amends years ago and just be like well it's family. But it doesn't work. I don't want those type of people in my life or my families life.

We have my DH family and all our close friends, that are truly closer then family.
Not every family is blood

[Anonymous]

I would very seriously think about the value of the relationships in question: you with your parents, you with your baby, and the baby with the grandparents.

Is the baby's health at serious risk, given the short visit? The answer might be yes, if the child is medically fragile. If not, then take measured and appropriate steps to maximize the opportunity for love and caring to flourish, and minimize the potential for health risk to baby.

I would be careful to not be bitchy and manipulative about this, in other words, don't foist the requirement that they quit or be completely smoke-smell free before they can see and hold and fall in love with their grandchild.

Although I don't have a chain-smoker in my immediately family, my very good friend did. Her parents always smoked outside of the house, and they were clear that they didn't want their kids to start smoking. They were hard-core addicts and did not seem to be able to quit. Neither child smokes or ever did smoke. One parent died of something that might well have been exacerbated by smoking. The other parent cut back on smoking, but still has not been able to completely stop.

The grandchild comes by regularly, and even stays with the grandparent who does all smoking outside when grandchild is not around. The grandchild has learned to say "Smoking is bad for you, please stop!" and the grandparent agrees: "Yes, you should never start smoking, because it can hurt you inside and it can be hard to stop. I never want you to start smoking."

Smoking, however, does not define their relationships. They are a very tight-knit and loving family. I don't think either adult child would eliminate the grandparent-grandchild contact on account of the smoking, given that the grandparent does what she can to minimize exposure to the child.

[Anonymous]

You're not overreacting and I would ask and feel the same.