My husband doesn't love me anymore - is this a sufficient reason for him to divorce me?

[Anonymous]

Hi there.
Has anyone BTDT and managed to turn around the situation? I think my husband doesn't love me anymore. Even worse, he doesn't seem to value any aspect of our marriage, despite the kids. He is emotionally detached and does not try to keep up even the semblance of a married relationship. A few times he inadvertently fantasized about other women, the sweet, quiet, undemanding 25 year old type. He is a good father, though.

I am terrified that he will want to divorce me. At his request I quit working after our first kid was born four years ago. My prospects in the job market are quite meager. If we get a divorce I would have to move to another part of the town. I absolutely hate the fact that I damaged my earning potential for the sake of my family and now he could basically throw me out on the street. I would not be entitled to alimony because I have a good education.

The second reason why I would abhor a divorce is that I'd hate to destroy our children's home and family. I don't want them to have self-doubts about their being worthy to be loved.

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice.

[Anonymous]

The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi there.
Has anyone BTDT and managed to turn around the situation? I think my husband doesn't love me anymore. Even worse, he doesn't seem to value any aspect of our marriage, despite the kids. He is emotionally detached and does not try to keep up even the semblance of a married relationship. A few times he inadvertently fantasized about other women, the sweet, quiet, undemanding 25 year old type. He is a good father, though.

I am terrified that he will want to divorce me. At his request I quit working after our first kid was born four years ago. My prospects in the job market are quite meager. If we get a divorce I would have to move to another part of the town. I absolutely hate the fact that I damaged my earning potential for the sake of my family and now he could basically throw me out on the street. I would not be entitled to alimony because I have a good education.

The second reason why I would abhor a divorce is that I'd hate to destroy our children's home and family. I don't want them to have self-doubts about their being worthy to be loved.

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice.

I don't think that he can throw you out on the street. TALK TO A LAWYER to find out what your rights are in the state. Let him have 50% custody if it comes to a divorce. Why should You do all the work?

[Anonymous]

I don't think your education level precludes alimony...

[Anonymous]

If he is a good father (by your own admission), he should get 50/50 custody.

Also, when will the SAHMs learn that DH needs to set aside money from his earnings for a "How do I get back into the workforce if we divorce or you die?" fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.

OP here. Thanks for the link to the article. I think if I tried what the author did for 6 long months, I would have no self-esteem left.

Like the author's husband, mine is also probably going through some sort of mid-life crisis. In any case he is behaving like a kid and not thinking about his commitment to the family/kids.

I still think that we could have a nice future together. But I'm not sure how to get him to value me again. I am not older, worse-looking or meaner than the many other women whose husbands stand by them. He says that he is frustrated because we don't manage to save much money, despite his high income. We have paid back our substantial college loans and have a mortgage for a VERY modest home. But in another geographic area we would pay the same amount of money for an admittedly somewhat nicer home, so I doubt that we would be better off somewhere else. Despite this, he still wants me to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.

OP here. Thanks for the link to the article. I think if I tried what the author did for 6 long months, I would have no self-esteem left.

Like the author's husband, mine is also probably going through some sort of mid-life crisis. In any case he is behaving like a kid and not thinking about his commitment to the family/kids.

I still think that we could have a nice future together. But I'm not sure how to get him to value me again. I am not older, worse-looking or meaner than the many other women whose husbands stand by them. He says that he is frustrated because we don't manage to save much money, despite his high income. We have paid back our substantial college loans and have a mortgage for a VERY modest home. But in another geographic area we would pay the same amount of money for an admittedly somewhat nicer home, so I doubt that we would be better off somewhere else. Despite this, he still wants me to stay at home.

Would he be open to a reboot somewhere outside the DC area?

[Anonymous]

OP, you know that you need to start getting your career back together. He may turn around, he may not, but you can't have your entire livelihood depend on him if he is like this. By all means fight for your marriage but fight for yourself too. And see a lawyer. And how does one "inadvertantly" fantasize about other women to their wife?? I don't really get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi there.
Has anyone BTDT and managed to turn around the situation? I think my husband doesn't love me anymore. Even worse, he doesn't seem to value any aspect of our marriage, despite the kids. He is emotionally detached and does not try to keep up even the semblance of a married relationship. A few times he inadvertently fantasized about other women, the sweet, quiet, undemanding 25 year old type. He is a good father, though.

I am terrified that he will want to divorce me. At his request I quit working after our first kid was born four years ago. My prospects in the job market are quite meager. If we get a divorce I would have to move to another part of the town. I absolutely hate the fact that I damaged my earning potential for the sake of my family and now he could basically throw me out on the street. I would not be entitled to alimony because I have a good education.

The second reason why I would abhor a divorce is that I'd hate to destroy our children's home and family. I don't want them to have self-doubts about their being worthy to be loved.

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice.

What does that mean? How does someone inadvertently fantasize about other women?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like DH has not brought up divorce, and you are just assuming. Could he be depressed, or are you not giving it up enough? Have you tried offering extra BJ's to see if that turns things around? Sorry if that is TMI for this forum, but I am honestly just trying to help you out. I guess I am thinking either he's depressed or your sex life is lacking.

I would try to save your marriage if you can. And that might be easier not working, like looking your best, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women's group at my church raved about this article and maybe it will bring you comfort:
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

That said... There are worse things for kids than a divorce. A mother who feels victimized and helpless because her husband wants out is not going to be able to help her children see their self-worth is not based on being loved.

OP here. Thanks for the link to the article. I think if I tried what the author did for 6 long months, I would have no self-esteem left.

Like the author's husband, mine is also probably going through some sort of mid-life crisis. In any case he is behaving like a kid and not thinking about his commitment to the family/kids.

I still think that we could have a nice future together. But I'm not sure how to get him to value me again. I am not older, worse-looking or meaner than the many other women whose husbands stand by them. He says that he is frustrated because we don't manage to save much money, despite his high income. We have paid back our substantial college loans and have a mortgage for a VERY modest home. But in another geographic area we would pay the same amount of money for an admittedly somewhat nicer home, so I doubt that we would be better off somewhere else. Despite this, he still wants me to stay at home.

I'm confused. The woman in the article moved on with her life and didn't let her husband's mid-life crisis or whatever define her. You on the other hand accuse of her having low self esteem while you sound desperate and terrified and frankly unprepared.

Look, I get it. I've been there. When you've been married a while, many couples face the question of whether or not they are going to stay married. I'm not trying to put you down or minimize what you are going through, but you need to get assertive and get strong. Make a plan. You have an education, that's great. Start thinking about ways to get back in the workforce down the road. Find out your rights like a PP said. You may not get a lot of alimony, but he can't toss you out in the street. You will likely get 50/50 custody and child support. You can make it work, but you need a plan.

We don't know what life is going to throw at us and we can't control other people, but we can control ourselves and prepare as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. OP, suggest that you
a) tell him you are going to start looking for a job both b/c you want to make a financial contribution to the family and b/c work is about more than just money, and you want to have a meaningful career;
b) reboot your career if needed by taking classes, volunteering etc first; tell him that yes, if this costs money (either directly or in terms of indirect costs such as childcare), he will need to pay for this and the two of you will have to find other ways to cut costs;
c) tell him you care about him and the family you have created, but you're concerned that neither of you is very happy in the marriage and you would like to try couples counseling together;
d) and just in case, educate yourself about family law in your state. Know your rights and his rights, and have a plan for what to do if the marriage falls apart. (No, he can't kick you out).

[Anonymous]

I am confused by the advice on this thread. The OP says she is "terrified" he will want a divorce and asks for advice. The immediate responses are "talk to a lawyer", custody, alimony, etc.

How about: "Talk to your husband about your concerns and your commitment to work though "better and worse" situations. Tell him you still love him and you know he is having doubts. Encourage him to go to marriage counseling with you so that the two of you can better understand each others feelings right now and work together to improve the marriage. Emphasize that you both owe working things out to the kids in providing a stable family for them."

Wow, "divorce" is the word of the day on here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PPs, thanks for your thoughts. I definitely need to go back working.

I guess what I wanted to say that at a basic level, just because you are not madly in love with your spouse anymore, that should not be reason enough to destroy the life that you have created together for the two of you and the children. I think many people are in relationships where the hot love has given way to a kind of amicable companionship. And frankly, that should be enough at this stage of life, instead of fantasizing about docile 25 year olds.

[Anonymous]

What is an inadvertent fantasy? Please explain.