Don't understand why I keep falling for guys, but none of them are romantically interested
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Anonymous
| I'm going through a tough time emotionally as I have developed strong feelings for a guy that I have been seeing for the past 6 months. He says that I am fun to hang out with and he enjoys dating me. However, I while I do feel the same. I also feel like I am starting to fall in love with him. We've talked about our dating history and he mentioned that he doesn't fall for women quickly and usually dates for some time before making things official. It is odd to me, but my dad and step mom dated a year before becoming a couple. Anyway, last night we had a very enjoyable date as usual, but I have been bothered recently with the fact that I really do care for him. And I just think he enjoys our companionship. I had a rough night of not being able to sleep, so I went to the bathroom and cried. I told him that I was really hurting because our feelings aren't on the same page. He never knew that it was this serious for me. But we couldn't really discuss it as he was leaving for work. I am angry with myself for allowing my heart to fall for someone(again( that doesn't see me as a potential girlfriend. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. All I want is for a guy to buy me flowers(has never happened) and think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. It hurts my hurt to break up with him, but I don't know what else to do. And what makes this worse is that every single person who I have told that I have feelings for has just told me that I am a good friend and fun to be around. At almost 30 years of age, it's not something that I can bear to hear anymore. I'm getting more embarrassed that I have never had a boyfriend and all of my friends are married or engaged. I really do yearn to love someone that loves me, I'm not pressing the issue because I have always been single. I am pretty much at my wits end and hurting badly. |
Anonymous
| Try courting instead of dating. Make it clear upfront that you want a serious relationship with the aim of finding out if you would be a good marriage match. Stop sleeping with guys when you aren't sure about your relationship status. |
Anonymous
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Ugghhh...
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Anonymous
| I did tell the current guy that I am looking for a long term relationship and him as well. He does want to get married one day, so we are on the same page with that. However, even if I didn't sleep with this guy, I'd still feel the same for him. |
Anonymous
"Me...me...me...me...me...me..." Good luck sustaining a relationship with that attitude OP. |
Anonymous
| how old? many guys are just not that interested in long term relationships. it isn't a bad thing, they just want to live more in the moment and females tend to want to map the next 20 years out. some are slow to move into long term. it isn't you, it's how they think. |
Anonymous
He's in his 30s, but if wasn't interested in a relationship, why would he tell me? Plus, he never forced me to have sex and it didn't occur right away. |
Anonymous
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Look, some guys are just going to have a different timetable than you do. And that's ok. There's no reason you need to be moving at warp speed anyway, right?
I have a friend who almost broke up with her boyfriend at six months because she didn't think he was moving fast enough for her. He'd dated the last woman for 5 years without marrying her. I said, "you need to chill. 6 months is no time at all. Chill." She chilled a bit. And they literally got engaged about 2 months later, got married 3 months after that and had kids pretty quickly and seem happy. If you don't think he's seeing anyone else and you don't want to see anyone else, then chill and see where this goes. Some guys aren't all about PDA or telling everyone "this is my girlfriend" - it's implied. |
Anonymous
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Give away the milk for free. Mull over vague comments about wanting marriage some day. Cry in the bathroom. And in 40 more guys, you will land one.
Or try therapy, get healthy, and then try dating. |
Anonymous
Guy here and: 1) my sympathies, unrequited love sucks the worst, 2) the quoted poster has a great suggestion. Make it clear when you start something new with someone (and in your profile(s) if you have them online) that you are looking for a long term commitment - that you are not looking for casual dating. It sounds like this guy has some reservations about getting committed to anyone. He may have emotional intimacy/trust issues and was being open/honest with you about that when he said he is slow to develop feelings. Infatuation and mature love are two different things - but that sugar-high infatuation happens relatively quickly - 6 months is a very long time. Generally people go through an infatuation phase which then gives way to more in-depth love. It's not a hard-and-fast rule, just a generalization. It sounds like you are correctly perceiving the situation and you have developed stronger feelings than he has...and six months is taking it at a very sane/stable pace. Don't beat up on yourself for being emotionally available - you sound like you wish you were more unavailable (like he is) which would result in two emotional cripples, not just one. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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This is why that book "the rules" was a huge best seller all those years ago - it is based on the idea that men want a "chase" and that women shouldn't put all their cards on the table too soon or be too available. I don't really buy into that stuff and it makes me cringe but I wonder if there is any truth to it.
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Anonymous
Boy, that sounds like a great idea. Make it even more difficult for the guy to sleep with and thus fall in love with her. Idiot. |
Anonymous
Guy here. I don't want a chase, and if you play games and make it that much more difficult, I'll find someone else to date. This is DC, I have options. It's that simple. |
Anonymous
So a guy can't fall in love with a woman until he sleeps with her. OP, sleep with the next 1000 guys and you'll have your pick! |
Anonymous
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Man here.
I'm 31 and have been in your guy's shoes. There have been women who initially drew me in and I really, really felt like the relationship might go somewhere. Once the infatuation wore off however, I started to notice things that I wasn't sure I could deal with on an ongoing basis. They weren't complete deal breakers, but personality quirks. Still, the good outweighed the bad and I didn't feel the need to cut them off because I thought it might be something I could live with. Unfortunately, in some cases, they told me they were in love or asked me for a commitment. I broke things off, not because I was afraid of commitment (I only date one person at a time), but because commitment represents finality to me. It's me saying, Yeah you're someone I could see myself marrying one day. I've been in committed relationships where I've tried to just commit and hope for the best. "It's not like we're getting married tomorrow or anything" is what I thought in those situations. It was hard, because then I felt like I couldn't leave the person once I realized that I wasn't happy with them. We may have dated for 3-4 months and then made things serious, but the collective length of the relationship is the better part of a year. That's when I felt like I was staying out of pity or something. I didn't want to see that person hurt because she seemed SOOOO happy and I just couldn't break up with her right before Valentine's Day/Her Birthday/Right after her relative passed/Right before the holidays...you get my point. Sorry to make this so long, but be thankful that you got the truth upfront rather than finding out down the road after you went from "falling in love" to "completely in love." Your person will come, but don't rush it or force it. |