Don't understand why I keep falling for guys, but none of them are romantically interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So a guy can't fall in love with a woman until he sleeps with her.

A healthy man can't fall in love with a woman until he sleeps with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why that book "the rules" was a huge best seller all those years ago - it is based on the idea that men want a "chase" and that women shouldn't put all their cards on the table too soon or be too available. I don't really buy into that stuff and it makes me cringe but I wonder if there is any truth to it.

Guy here. I don't want a chase, and if you play games and make it that much more difficult, I'll find someone else to date. This is DC, I have options. It's that simple.

PP here. Glad to hear that. I personally never played games, nor did I read the book.
But I remember that book was quite popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So a guy can't fall in love with a woman until he sleeps with her.

A healthy man can't fall in love with a woman until he sleeps with her.

Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow!

What's so shocking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow!

What's so shocking?

The claim that a healthy man can't fall in love with a woman until he has sex with her. Way to dismiss men's emotional capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The claim that a healthy man can't fall in love with a woman until he has sex with her. Way to dismiss men's emotional capacity.

If sex isn't important to a man, then yes, it's not necessary to first have sex with a woman before falling in love with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, some guys are just going to have a different timetable than you do. And that's ok. There's no reason you need to be moving at warp speed anyway, right?

I have a friend who almost broke up with her boyfriend at six months because she didn't think he was moving fast enough for her. He'd dated the last woman for 5 years without marrying her. I said, "you need to chill. 6 months is no time at all. Chill." She chilled a bit. And they literally got engaged about 2 months later, got married 3 months after that and had kids pretty quickly and seem happy.

If you don't think he's seeing anyone else and you don't want to see anyone else, then chill and see where this goes. Some guys aren't all about PDA or telling everyone "this is my girlfriend" - it's implied.

To me that seems like he's hiding something if people aren't aware that we are dating. Why wouldn't someone be proud to let others know about the person they are dating? Unless they are not....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try courting instead of dating. Make it clear upfront that you want a serious relationship with the aim of finding out if you would be a good marriage match. Stop sleeping with guys when you aren't sure about your relationship status.

Guy here and: 1) my sympathies, unrequited love sucks the worst, 2) the quoted poster has a great suggestion. Make it clear when you start something new with someone (and in your profile(s) if you have them online) that you are looking for a long term commitment - that you are not looking for casual dating.

It sounds like this guy has some reservations about getting committed to anyone. He may have emotional intimacy/trust issues and was being open/honest with you about that when he said he is slow to develop feelings.

Infatuation and mature love are two different things - but that sugar-high infatuation happens relatively quickly - 6 months is a very long time. Generally people go through an infatuation phase which then gives way to more in-depth love. It's not a hard-and-fast rule, just a generalization. It sounds like you are correctly perceiving the situation and you have developed stronger feelings than he has...and six months is taking it at a very sane/stable pace. Don't beat up on yourself for being emotionally available - you sound like you wish you were more unavailable (like he is) which would result in two emotional cripples, not just one.

Good luck!

I have let guys know from the beginning that I am interested in a long term relationship and that I want to get married. That gets rid of 99% of the guys within the first few dates and most of the time before we go out.

[Anonymous]

It is quite unusual OP to be nearing 30 and to not have had a boyfriend.

It's hard for me to determine the reason even though your post was pretty detailed.

Do you have a family member or good friend who can give you a "no-holds barred" tell it like it is completely objective opinion on why this is so? Let this person know that you need the truth and that no matter what they tell you, you will take it like a woman, you will not hold anything they say against them and you must stick to your word.

Because there is something going on with you and only someone in your immediate life, none of us anonymous respondents can know for sure, will be able to see it.

Good luck.

P.S. If you do not have anyone in your immediate life to assist you, then I suggest you consider seeing a counselor and talking to him/her and see if there are certain issues you may have that need to be dealt with first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is quite unusual OP to be nearing 30 and to not have had a boyfriend.

It's hard for me to determine the reason even though your post was pretty detailed.

Do you have a family member or good friend who can give you a "no-holds barred" tell it like it is completely objective opinion on why this is so? Let this person know that you need the truth and that no matter what they tell you, you will take it like a woman, you will not hold anything they say against them and you must stick to your word.

Because there is something going on with you and only someone in your immediate life, none of us anonymous respondents can know for sure, will be able to see it.

Good luck.

P.S. If you do not have anyone in your immediate life to assist you, then I suggest you consider seeing a counselor and talking to him/her and see if there are certain issues you may have that need to be dealt with first.

I don't know that this is true. It sounds like these men enjoy her company and consider her a good friend.
It's likely she just hasn't met (or chosen) the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is quite unusual OP to be nearing 30 and to not have had a boyfriend.

It's hard for me to determine the reason even though your post was pretty detailed.

Do you have a family member or good friend who can give you a "no-holds barred" tell it like it is completely objective opinion on why this is so? Let this person know that you need the truth and that no matter what they tell you, you will take it like a woman, you will not hold anything they say against them and you must stick to your word.

Because there is something going on with you and only someone in your immediate life, none of us anonymous respondents can know for sure, will be able to see it.

Good luck.

P.S. If you do not have anyone in your immediate life to assist you, then I suggest you consider seeing a counselor and talking to him/her and see if there are certain issues you may have that need to be dealt with first.

THIS. I can't believe nobody has stated the obvious before. If OP keeps running into the type of issue over and over, it's her. Which is actually a good thing, because she can change.

I dated a guy like this in my mid 20s. I really liked him at first, and it was obvious he liked me too. A bit too obvious, after awhile. He was so nice and helpful, which was endearing, but I knew that committing to a relationship might as well mean committing to marry him. And there were red flags there that I couldn't shake. He did aLOT for me, but there was this subtle air of desperation about him. I also wondered when he fell so hard so fast if there were others before me that he'd had similar feelings for. Finally, he ends up initiating "the talk" in the car one night and saying he has something to tell me, but he's afraid that once he tells me, I'll start to change. Why did he do that??? He said he was really into me and only wanted me, but every time he'd told a woman this before, she ran. I didn't run right away, because who wants to seem callous, but that discussion put him out of the running for a serious relationship. Frankly, your emotional outburst in the bathroom is scary for the other person. You come across as needy, overly emotional (you can't control your emotions enough to avoid crying around him?), and insecure. Nobody wants to be responsible for your happiness or improving your self-confidence. Fake it until you make it and cry at home or with a good gf over stuff like this. He also probably realizes that this is a chronic problem for you, which is unattractive, because it says that you are used to being rejected. People want to feel like they are committing to someone who is a prize vs someone who is on a perpetual journey for acceptance and love. Also, if you are so anxious for a guy to commit to you, then you have take the fun away and now there's no need to rush to get you off of the market. He already "has" you and can therefore keep his options open for awhile. I believe that you are probably saying or doing something that comes across as someone who might commit to any guy willing to have you.

Age has very little to do with it. Most women have BFs in their 20s and many get married.

[Anonymous]

OK, first the bad news.

Things aren't going to go anywhere with this guy. How do I know this? Because he describes you as "fun to hang out with" and he "enjoys dating you." The other members of this club are "I'm very fond of you" and "you're a really cool girl." Do you know what this means? "I'm not in love with you, but this is easy and convenient, so I'm going to enjoy sex and companionship until something better comes along."

Sadly, this is something that 99% of all guys practice. They know pretty much right away if you are or are not the one, but they will coast along just for fun for as long as you let them. And you appear to be letting them.

Now the good news. It's entirely up to you! You are a master of your own destiny. You, and you alone may determine the terms on which you allow men to enjoy your company in and out of bed.

- If you want to find a serious relationship, tell the guy RIGHT AWAY that you want a serious relationship, and you're dating him with this in mind.

- Until the guy makes an offer of exclusivity, don't sleep with him and date multiple men. Every man has something that the other doesn't, and it will keep you from obsessing over any one of them.

- DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE GUY unless things are serious. I will repeat. DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE GUY unless things are serious.

- Lose all inhibitions about asking the guys where things stand and where he sees them going. Preferably before you get naked with them. I am sick of seeing women saying things like "I've been seeing this guy for six months but I'm so afraid to ask if he's my boyfriend because ummm he will think I'm so uncool." Dude!!! It's your life!!! Ask! Ask for what you want!! Set the terms! If you don't get it, move along! Honestly!

[Anonymous]

Many Peter Pans out there now who keep wanting to look around the corner for something better. Many guys in their 30's still feel like they have years and years before they will consider getting married. Women should date up in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many Peter Pans out there now who keep wanting to look around the corner for something better. Many guys in their 30's still feel like they have years and years before they will consider getting married. Women should date up in age.

Worked for George Clooney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is quite unusual OP to be nearing 30 and to not have had a boyfriend.

It's hard for me to determine the reason even though your post was pretty detailed.

Do you have a family member or good friend who can give you a "no-holds barred" tell it like it is completely objective opinion on why this is so? Let this person know that you need the truth and that no matter what they tell you, you will take it like a woman, you will not hold anything they say against them and you must stick to your word.

Because there is something going on with you and only someone in your immediate life, none of us anonymous respondents can know for sure, will be able to see it.

Good luck.

P.S. If you do not have anyone in your immediate life to assist you, then I suggest you consider seeing a counselor and talking to him/her and see if there are certain issues you may have that need to be dealt with first.

THIS. I can't believe nobody has stated the obvious before. If OP keeps running into the type of issue over and over, it's her. Which is actually a good thing, because she can change.

I dated a guy like this in my mid 20s. I really liked him at first, and it was obvious he liked me too. A bit too obvious, after awhile. He was so nice and helpful, which was endearing, but I knew that committing to a relationship might as well mean committing to marry him. And there were red flags there that I couldn't shake. He did aLOT for me, but there was this subtle air of desperation about him. I also wondered when he fell so hard so fast if there were others before me that he'd had similar feelings for. Finally, he ends up initiating "the talk" in the car one night and saying he has something to tell me, but he's afraid that once he tells me, I'll start to change. Why did he do that??? He said he was really into me and only wanted me, but every time he'd told a woman this before, she ran. I didn't run right away, because who wants to seem callous, but that discussion put him out of the running for a serious relationship. Frankly, your emotional outburst in the bathroom is scary for the other person. You come across as needy, overly emotional (you can't control your emotions enough to avoid crying around him?), and insecure. Nobody wants to be responsible for your happiness or improving your self-confidence. Fake it until you make it and cry at home or with a good gf over stuff like this. He also probably realizes that this is a chronic problem for you, which is unattractive, because it says that you are used to being rejected. People want to feel like they are committing to someone who is a prize vs someone who is on a perpetual journey for acceptance and love. Also, if you are so anxious for a guy to commit to you, then you have take the fun away and now there's no need to rush to get you off of the market. He already "has" you and can therefore keep his options open for awhile. I believe that you are probably saying or doing something that comes across as someone who might commit to any guy willing to have you.

Age has very little to do with it. Most women have BFs in their 20s and many get married.

Okay, PP here and you have convinced me.
I think you're on the money.