advice for a friend who thinks her husband is cheating

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine who lives in another state believes that her husband is having an affair. She has some evidence that seems to point in this direction and has caught him in a few lies. He has also changed his personal habits (quit smoking, started riding his bike to work - both things that he had refused to do for years) and started up the band he was in before they had kids. He refuses to go to counseling because he does not believe that their marriage has any issues, and blames her anxiety and depression for her worries that their marriage is broken.

She is basically obsessed with catching him, at this point. She is a SAHM. Their kids are 15 and 17 - the older one is off to college in August. She has a chronic illness that makes it hard for her to work, but runs the house, finances, etc.

My advice to her was that she should think about what her end game looks like. If he's cheating, what does she want to happen? Does she want to leave? It seems pretty unproductive to obsess about secret Facebook accounts or whether he's biking to work with an ex-girlfriend or whatever. She approached me because I have known both of them for many years and she does not feel that she can confide in anyone local.

Does anyone have any thoughts about advice to give her?

[Anonymous]

You want no part of this silliness and need to MYOB. No good will come from involving yourself here.

[Anonymous]

Could just be a "positive" midlife crisis. Getting healthy and going back to something he put aside when he had kids - she should be happy for him!

[Anonymous]

I didn't "involve myself" in any way other than listening to my friend when she needed to talk. I thought I would post the question here because I've never been in the situation that she finds herself in, but I have read many posts here that indicate that a lot of people here have been.

That was initially my take, second PP. I think it's great that he's getting healthy and quitting smoking and finding stuff to do that he enjoys. I encouraged her to do similar things (independently of the conversation we had this morning).

[Anonymous]

What are the other red flags? Self-improvement is not enough to suspect cheating.

[Anonymous]

I'm a firm believer in listening to the gut. She may very well be right about him.

In any case, she needs to take positive action. If she's anxious and depressed, and things in their relationship and his behavior feel off, and he's saying it's nothing to do with him, then for now, maybe she should see a counselor alone and figure out what SHE should do and what SHE should focus on.

[Anonymous]

The red flags include:

- quit Facebook a few months ago "because it was too much drama" and then got a new, secret account (which has almost no information)
- she found a picnic blanket and extra clothes in the trunk of his car and when she asked about them, he lied to her about where they came from (I don't remember the details of the lie, but it was clearly a lie)
- he let another woman kiss him at a BBQ last summer but said it was not a big deal because it was just a peck and was not in private

Basically, I think that if he's not cheating, he's certainly not respecting his wife's feelings or their reputation. She is seeing a therapist, and I have also suggested that she focus on feeling better about herself and not obsessing over what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

She's seeing a therapist let him/her offer advice - you stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to hire a PI if she really wants to know.

[Anonymous]

This is what I would say if she were my friend (and PPs need to realize that the friend has come to OP to ask for advice).

If he's not having an affair, there's a possibility he could be open to one because of the changes that have been described.

So, what does she want to do with that information? Does she want to work on the relationship more - change things up, go on a vacation together, take up one of his hobbies, do something that creates more interest from him in her? Or does she actually want something different and out of it?

If it's the former, then she should think about how she can bring back some magic in their relationship.

Now, if he is actually having an affair, he will either respond positively to his DW and end the affair, or he will decide to come clean. Either way, it's a better situation than she's in now - not having a great relationship and not knowing if he's with someone else.

[Anonymous]

I say if she feels in her gut that her husband is cheating on her, then most likely he is...whether or not she actually has any evidence on him or not.

Sometimes evidence is not even needed. Women just KNOW. And it sounds to me like your friend just KNOWS.

I say the marriage is pretty much toast.

If she wants to leave, I say help her make her exit plan. I am not sure what her financial situation is, but she is at an advantage it sounds since her children are older and one is already going to go off to college in a few mos.

She needs to get the ball rolling legally and see what her options are regarding the house and alimony.

Let her husband have his hussy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say if she feels in her gut that her husband is cheating on her, then most likely he is...whether or not she actually has any evidence on him or not.

Wow. You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flags include:

- quit Facebook a few months ago "because it was too much drama" and then got a new, secret account (which has almost no information)
- she found a picnic blanket and extra clothes in the trunk of his car and when she asked about them, he lied to her about where they came from (I don't remember the details of the lie, but it was clearly a lie)
- he let another woman kiss him at a BBQ last summer but said it was not a big deal because it was just a peck and was not in private

Basically, I think that if he's not cheating, he's certainly not respecting his wife's feelings or their reputation. She is seeing a therapist, and I have also suggested that she focus on feeling better about herself and not obsessing over what he's doing.

So is that woman from the BBQ the one she suspects is the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. OP here.

16:38, I don't think she suspects anyone in particular of being his AP. I know that there is an ex-girlfriend on the scene who did not used to be a concern but is now because she is divorced. I don't know if that is a realistic fear, as I have only met that woman one time about 5 years ago when she first got married. Her relationship with my friend's H ended about 20 years ago.

14:48, I am not going to personally help her make an exit plan. I personally feel that that falls under the category of needing to mind my own business. Also, he is my friend too, and I would not like to be involved in what he might see as sabotaging their marriage. This is a person who, when I last saw him, was completely, obviously, publicly in love with his wife. Theirs was actually a marriage I really respected and admired, so hearing all this comes as a really shocking disappointment.

11:30, what I ended up telling her was basically along the lines of what you wrote. Thank you for that. I think that she is experiencing some stress because her oldest child is graduating from high school, going off to college, etc. She was successful in her career before her kids were born and she quit working to devote pretty much 100% of her time to them and their activities. I don't know what she will do with her free time when there are no sporting events to attend or photograph. I think she is worried about the future and has possibly realized that while she was being the world's greatest soccer mom, her husband is missing their life from before soccer games and school fundraisers.

I think they are both probably experiencing some fairly typical aging issues - whether those be empty nest feelings or midlife crisis feelings or a woman feeling like she's no longer attractive because she's older. I advised her to work on herself and figure out ways that she can get a break and maybe try to have more fun. I also advised her to try to put the shoe on the other foot when they have a bad interaction about something because it didn't seem like she was doing that.

Anyway, thank you all for your input. I hope they work out their problems, but I plan to mostly stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say if she feels in her gut that her husband is cheating on her, then most likely he is...whether or not she actually has any evidence on him or not.

Sometimes evidence is not even needed. Women just KNOW. And it sounds to me like your friend just KNOWS.

I say the marriage is pretty much toast.

If she wants to leave, I say help her make her exit plan. I am not sure what her financial situation is, but she is at an advantage it sounds since her children are older and one is already going to go off to college in a few mos.

She needs to get the ball rolling legally and see what her options are regarding the house and alimony.

Let her husband have his hussy.

Are you as dumb as you sound? Because, to be honest, you sound pretty dumb. Forrest Gump-type stupid. A person who could lose a debate with a chimp. Someone who simply has a flaring of the notochord instead of an actual mammalian brain. Do you have to follow bread crumbs to find your own butthole? You are most definitely drowning in the shallow end of the gene pool, you soon-to-be Darwin Award winner. You know how I know, aside from what you wrote? Because smart people just KNOW.