advice for a friend who thinks her husband is cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flags include:

- quit Facebook a few months ago "because it was too much drama" and then got a new, secret account (which has almost no information)
- she found a picnic blanket and extra clothes in the trunk of his car and when she asked about them, he lied to her about where they came from (I don't remember the details of the lie, but it was clearly a lie)
- he let another woman kiss him at a BBQ last summer but said it was not a big deal because it was just a peck and was not in private

Basically, I think that if he's not cheating, he's certainly not respecting his wife's feelings or their reputation. She is seeing a therapist, and I have also suggested that she focus on feeling better about herself and not obsessing over what he's doing.

First off PP, ignore the MYOB posters. Being a good friend includes being a sounding board and offering advice. The best friends are the ones you can have the hard conversations with and hear how things really look, at least to them. So good for you for trying to give real, helpful advice.

I actually think your advice to her to think about her endgame is really good. Because at the end of hte day, why go through all the trouble of catching him if she already knows she's done with the marriage? You didn't say she's done, but I think asking her what difference that will make to her and what she thinks she'll want to happen really matter.

Also, some of hte best advice I've ever gotten from my best friend (who I owe millions of $$ to in terms of the free counseling she's given me over the years!) is to focus on my own happiness. No matter what is going on in my marriage, my job, my parenting, she asks me what it would take in the situation for me to feel better, for me to be happier. It seems like a simple question, but it's so complicated. She's trained me to think in terms of my own happiness, my own health, my own wellbeing. Because a sick/depressed/psycho me is a crappy parent, a crappy wife, and a crappy human, and the converse is also true, a happy me is the best wife/parent/worker I can be.

Obviously the happy has to be within reason, so if I think what will make me happy in my marriage is running off with my neighbor's husband, then I have to think "Is that REALLY what will make me happy? No, not even close" so go back to square one and focus on what things have to happen for me to feel better.

If your friend has a chronic illness, is she taking care of that the best way she can? Has she actually talked to herhusband about how he's feeling these days about their relationship and the present and future? The kids are on their way to college (well one is 3 years away but that's not really that far), is she opening up conversations with him about what he sees them doing or how he wants their life to look when that happens? Just that question right there may tell her a lot about how he sees things (if he doesn't want to talk about it or says he can't see that far, he may well be planning his exit strategy. if he's enthusiastic about the possibilities, maybe OP is misreading him). But most importantly OP needs to think about what she wants and needs for herself, her kids, her husband (what SHE wants for him), her home, her health, and what i till take to get those things in place.

The focus on the positive and on what happiness looks like is powerful. It's hard for most people but once you really reinforce it and think in those terms, often situations like this get much simpler in terms of what her next step should be.

Wishing her and her family luck. And if her DH is having an affair, I hope she's able to stay focused on what she wants for herself given that fact, and NOT on getting revenge or trying to guilt her husband into leaving the other woman... if he's cheating, she needs to seriously think about whether she really wants tos tayw ith him. Again, what will it take for her to be happy (hopefully not revenge!).