Controlling behavior around food

[Anonymous]

I have a close family member who is a superb cook but very controlling about food -- always cooks everything when the families are together and gets very sulky/frustrated when others don't eat her food. Problem is that other adults are not "allowed" to select what they or their children eat (this includes breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks) without enduring sorrowful looks from said cook. Can anyone commiserate or share thoughts on how to cope with the behavior? It becomes very frustrating to deal with and I cannot fathom how another adult could care so much about what I choose to eat.

[Anonymous]

Is this at HER house? If not, where?

[Anonymous]

Her house or a rental house/condo when we go on vacation together.

[Anonymous]

If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can afford, stay at another place so then you can have some meals all by yourself. That would make it easier to accommodate her on some meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

Unfortunately these are extended visits/trips -- three to four days usually. This past weekend there were five other adults in the house (her husband and two couples) as well as my two children, and she wanted to be in charge of every single morsel that went into everyone's mouth, and the volume and the quality of the food she pushes is decidedly unhealthy. It upsets her to see my six year old eating a banana, for example, because she wanted to saute it and provide a dipping sauce for it. I actually like her a lot and enjoy her company, but the food issues are becoming the dominant force in our visits and it's really frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

Unfortunately these are extended visits/trips -- three to four days usually. This past weekend there were five other adults in the house (her husband and two couples) as well as my two children, and she wanted to be in charge of every single morsel that went into everyone's mouth, and the volume and the quality of the food she pushes is decidedly unhealthy. It upsets her to see my six year old eating a banana, for example, because she wanted to saute it and provide a dipping sauce for it. I actually like her a lot and enjoy her company, but the food issues are becoming the dominant force in our visits and it's really frustrating.

Then if she is your friend, you need to say something. And you just need to jump in and lay it all out. No beating around the bush. This is getting in the way of your relationship. If you're not willing to do that, then the visits need to stop.

If you do choose to say something, you might try this (or something like it): "Suzie, are you okay? Larla wanted a banana, just a plain old banana, and you insisted on sauteing it and making a sauce. All of that is a lovely gesture. What concerns me is how frustrated and upset you got when I said no (or when Larla just left it there). You don't appear happy. I noticed that you often sulked after a meal. What's going on? Is everything okay? I really want to understand why you're visibly upset around meals."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

Unfortunately these are extended visits/trips -- three to four days usually. This past weekend there were five other adults in the house (her husband and two couples) as well as my two children, and she wanted to be in charge of every single morsel that went into everyone's mouth, and the volume and the quality of the food she pushes is decidedly unhealthy. It upsets her to see my six year old eating a banana, for example, because she wanted to saute it and provide a dipping sauce for it. I actually like her a lot and enjoy her company, but the food issues are becoming the dominant force in our visits and it's really frustrating.

Then if she is your friend, you need to say something. And you just need to jump in and lay it all out. No beating around the bush. This is getting in the way of your relationship. If you're not willing to do that, then the visits need to stop.

If you do choose to say something, you might try this (or something like it): "Suzie, are you okay? Larla wanted a banana, just a plain old banana, and you insisted on sauteing it and making a sauce. All of that is a lovely gesture. What concerns me is how frustrated and upset you got when I said no (or when Larla just left it there). You don't appear happy. I noticed that you often sulked after a meal. What's going on? Is everything okay? I really want to understand why you're visibly upset around meals."

Ugh. Uber-patronizing. Just shut up and eat it and be appreciative, or don't, but don't subject the cook to all this hogwash.

[Anonymous]

^^ +1 no thank you, Larla enjoys her bananas plain. Thanks anyway! Here you go, Larla. Run along and eat your banana.

[Anonymous]

A sign of mental illness?

[Anonymous]

If you are at this friend's home, then I don't see a polite way to tell her to mind her own mouth and no one else's, but in a rental situation, I think you just go say in advance, "We're going to be mostly doing our own thing for meals this time." Then, you go to a store on arrival and get what you need for your family. Then you serve what you want to your family, and if friend objects that she would have been happy to cook for you, you reply, "How sweet, but as you see we are all set." Then change the subject. If she pushes it (and a few repeats of "We are all set on food." Don't make it clear, then you may have to call her out a bit. "Larla, you seem very invested in my/my kids' food choices. I have told you several times that we are fine with the food we provided, and I am asking you now to drop the subject." Then any more objections are met with, "I am not discussing my family's food choices with you and leave the room."

Hopefully, she will get it quickly and be able to back off, but if this is truly an obsession, then she will not be capable of letting go and you may have to lose the friendship over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

Unfortunately these are extended visits/trips -- three to four days usually. This past weekend there were five other adults in the house (her husband and two couples) as well as my two children, and she wanted to be in charge of every single morsel that went into everyone's mouth, and the volume and the quality of the food she pushes is decidedly unhealthy. It upsets her to see my six year old eating a banana, for example, because she wanted to saute it and provide a dipping sauce for it. I actually like her a lot and enjoy her company, but the food issues are becoming the dominant force in our visits and it's really frustrating.

Then if she is your friend, you need to say something. And you just need to jump in and lay it all out. No beating around the bush. This is getting in the way of your relationship. If you're not willing to do that, then the visits need to stop.

If you do choose to say something, you might try this (or something like it): "Suzie, are you okay? Larla wanted a banana, just a plain old banana, and you insisted on sauteing it and making a sauce. All of that is a lovely gesture. What concerns me is how frustrated and upset you got when I said no (or when Larla just left it there). You don't appear happy. I noticed that you often sulked after a meal. What's going on? Is everything okay? I really want to understand why you're visibly upset around meals."

Ugh. Uber-patronizing. Just shut up and eat it and be appreciative, or don't, but don't subject the cook to all this hogwash.

New poster. I don't think it's patronizing, just too long. I would say "Suzie, are you okay? Larla just wanted a banana." I would do it in private.

[Anonymous]

P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Yup. It is often the food obsessives who have the disorders.

[Anonymous]

What we do:

1) adults sneak out and eat what we want at all opportunities
2) I absolutely do not eat more than I want, and if someone wants to sulk about that he/she is welcome to do so
3) Insist that kids have access to a basket of healthy snacks that they can eat at will

Otherwise ignore the crazy and enjoy having someone else cook.