Controlling behavior around food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What we do:

1) adults sneak out and eat what we want at all opportunities
2) I absolutely do not eat more than I want, and if someone wants to sulk about that he/she is welcome to do so
3) Insist that kids have access to a basket of healthy snacks that they can eat at will

Otherwise ignore the crazy and enjoy having someone else cook.

This is good advice in general, but if I were OP the sulkiness would drive me insane--this person is punishing people who do not adhere to her food ideas.

I don't like it at all, OP; the situation. Is there a way that before the trip you can both warn her and give her a direction for her compulsion:

"Oh, SIL Larla, just want you to know that DH, the kids and I are trying the X diet so we are not going to be eating any A, B or deep fried Cs. We're also limited in quantity. We're just trying it out this year to see how it goes. Don't stress yourself about it; we know you love to cook for us and we love it too--and it's great if you want to help us out, but if it's too weird for you, we can cook it ourselves."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What we do:

1) adults sneak out and eat what we want at all opportunities
2) I absolutely do not eat more than I want, and if someone wants to sulk about that he/she is welcome to do so
3) Insist that kids have access to a basket of healthy snacks that they can eat at will

Otherwise ignore the crazy and enjoy having someone else cook.

This is more or less what I have been doing for the last 20 years, and for a while it seemed to be working well enough, but now that I have young kids the unhealthy stuff is getting pushed on them. These are very close family members, so I'd prefer not to limit our time with them. Really it's just a relief to know that others see this as very unusual behavior, too.

[Anonymous]

Eating is a pretty big aspect of vacation for our family. Going to a farmers market, preparing fresh food, going to our favorite restaurants are all part of the vacation experience for us. I would never accept being micromanaged for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the duration of a vacation that I worked hard to plan and pay for. If it's one or two meals, fine...we all understand the need to be polite and allow someone to shine when they are in their element in the kitchen. But being a dictator in the kitchen is unacceptable. Obviously, this family members derives much of his/her identity from preparing meals. Fair enough. But that doesn't mean everyone else has to check their "food identity" at the door. Time for a direct conversation, including calling out the sulking, childish behavior. Do it before vacation.

[Anonymous]

In advance of the next vacation get-together you just need to lay the groundwork and make it clear you will be in charge of your family's meals. Another idea is to suggest that everyone take a day/night to be responsible for preparing a group meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

If this were the case, the natural reaction would be to get angry. Not to saute the banana and make a sauce for it. I mean, if I'm saving the yogurt for a sauce for the fish, and DH eats some of the yogurt, I get mad. I don't whip up a PuPu platter and three deserts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

If this were the case, the natural reaction would be to get angry. Not to saute the banana and make a sauce for it. I mean, if I'm saving the yogurt for a sauce for the fish, and DH eats some of the yogurt, I get mad. I don't whip up a PuPu platter and three deserts.

OP again. This is funny. One of the last times I was with her, I had mentioned that I was going to have some cheese and crackers for a quick snack before heading out. I returned a few minutes later to grab the cheese and crackers and found that she had already gotten out the food processor and was in the midst of making pimiento cheese for me. EVERYTHING needs to be embellished. No one in that house eats an apple or a handful of nuts.

But in general, we're very careful (for obvious reasons) and would never dare eat something that could be an ingredient in one of her planned meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

If this were the case, the natural reaction would be to get angry. Not to saute the banana and make a sauce for it. I mean, if I'm saving the yogurt for a sauce for the fish, and DH eats some of the yogurt, I get mad. I don't whip up a PuPu platter and three deserts.

OP again. This is funny. One of the last times I was with her, I had mentioned that I was going to have some cheese and crackers for a quick snack before heading out. I returned a few minutes later to grab the cheese and crackers and found that she had already gotten out the food processor and was in the midst of making pimiento cheese for me. EVERYTHING needs to be embellished. No one in that house eats an apple or a handful of nuts.

But in general, we're very careful (for obvious reasons) and would never dare eat something that could be an ingredient in one of her planned meals.

Eating disorder. Anorexia, Bulimia, or Bulimarexia. Totally. She thinks about food all day long, plans elaborate recipes, and lives for food and feeding others. It makes her angry when others do not eat everything, every bite, because she eats vicariously. Does she pass the serving platters constantly during a meal? "More Pesto Spaghetti with Mint?" "More Homemade Garlic Bread?" Is every meal a production number in terms of seating, setting the table, plates, etc. Is she up early to cook? Cleaning scrupulously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

If this were the case, the natural reaction would be to get angry. Not to saute the banana and make a sauce for it. I mean, if I'm saving the yogurt for a sauce for the fish, and DH eats some of the yogurt, I get mad. I don't whip up a PuPu platter and three deserts.

OP again. This is funny. One of the last times I was with her, I had mentioned that I was going to have some cheese and crackers for a quick snack before heading out. I returned a few minutes later to grab the cheese and crackers and found that she had already gotten out the food processor and was in the midst of making pimiento cheese for me. EVERYTHING needs to be embellished. No one in that house eats an apple or a handful of nuts.

But in general, we're very careful (for obvious reasons) and would never dare eat something that could be an ingredient in one of her planned meals.

Eating disorder. Anorexia, Bulimia, or Bulimarexia. Totally. She thinks about food all day long, plans elaborate recipes, and lives for food and feeding others. It makes her angry when others do not eat everything, every bite, because she eats vicariously. Does she pass the serving platters constantly during a meal? "More Pesto Spaghetti with Mint?" "More Homemade Garlic Bread?" Is every meal a production number in terms of seating, setting the table, plates, etc. Is she up early to cook? Cleaning scrupulously?

+1000

Definately an eating disorder, based on making elaborate meals that she does not touch and wants everyone else to enjoy the food she does not want to ingest.
Plus she feels the need to be the top dog and show off her cooking skills, and then get praised for it through the whole vacation. F that.

[Anonymous]

This makes me laugh - I have a SIL who is a bit this way....last time we were all together, we mentioned that we eat a lot of tilapia - it defrosts easily after work, is versatile and though bland, is easy for after work...About two weeks later she emailed me a series of articles about how eating tilapia is worse than eating bacon...and referenced a long conversation she had with her brother about how much we eat...it was completely odd.

Now, we refer to tilapia as "Bacon-Fish"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. There is something wrong here. Who sautes a banana and makes a dipping sauce?

Sign of an eating disorder.

Maybe she was planning to make bananas foster, and the kid took one of the ingredients?

If this were the case, the natural reaction would be to get angry. Not to saute the banana and make a sauce for it. I mean, if I'm saving the yogurt for a sauce for the fish, and DH eats some of the yogurt, I get mad. I don't whip up a PuPu platter and three deserts.

OP again. This is funny. One of the last times I was with her, I had mentioned that I was going to have some cheese and crackers for a quick snack before heading out. I returned a few minutes later to grab the cheese and crackers and found that she had already gotten out the food processor and was in the midst of making pimiento cheese for me. EVERYTHING needs to be embellished. No one in that house eats an apple or a handful of nuts.

But in general, we're very careful (for obvious reasons) and would never dare eat something that could be an ingredient in one of her planned meals.

Eating disorder. Anorexia, Bulimia, or Bulimarexia. Totally. She thinks about food all day long, plans elaborate recipes, and lives for food and feeding others. It makes her angry when others do not eat everything, every bite, because she eats vicariously. Does she pass the serving platters constantly during a meal? "More Pesto Spaghetti with Mint?" "More Homemade Garlic Bread?" Is every meal a production number in terms of seating, setting the table, plates, etc. Is she up early to cook? Cleaning scrupulously?

Yes to EVERYTHING on this list. Table always set, different plates/platters/garnishes for each meal, everything neat and clean all the time. She does eat, though I think she has had difficulty in the past.

[Anonymous]

Can you just not give her a heads up about the cheese and cracker snack you're about to enjoy? If you wake up first, serve yourself breakfast? When she flips out and wants to take over your plate ( or your kid's plain fruit), give that behavior an honest reaction- be surprised, confused and tell her you're just fine, thanks and continue on as a normal person eating her snack. If she mopes around, continue to be perplexed and confused. Ask her if she's okay, if she says yes, drop it. It she wants you to eat more of something, say you're full and clear your plate from the table.

I think you all tiptoe ing around her issues, indulging her desire for control over your food, and accommodating her just exacerbates the problem. It's not normal, so no need to treat her illness as if it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, MIL is the opposite and does not serve enough food. Either way, any obsession with food is an eating disorder.

Does she come from a family where eating is part of the celebration? I find it odd she does not partake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is just a visit, we would just feed the kids before we went. I'd love for my kids to eat everything and we try very hard, but its a losing battle at this point.

Unfortunately these are extended visits/trips -- three to four days usually. This past weekend there were five other adults in the house (her husband and two couples) as well as my two children, and she wanted to be in charge of every single morsel that went into everyone's mouth, and the volume and the quality of the food she pushes is decidedly unhealthy. It upsets her to see my six year old eating a banana, for example, because she wanted to saute it and provide a dipping sauce for it. I actually like her a lot and enjoy her company, but the food issues are becoming the dominant force in our visits and it's really frustrating.

Then if she is your friend, you need to say something. And you just need to jump in and lay it all out. No beating around the bush. This is getting in the way of your relationship. If you're not willing to do that, then the visits need to stop.

If you do choose to say something, you might try this (or something like it): "Suzie, are you okay? Larla wanted a banana, just a plain old banana, and you insisted on sauteing it and making a sauce. All of that is a lovely gesture. What concerns me is how frustrated and upset you got when I said no (or when Larla just left it there). You don't appear happy. I noticed that you often sulked after a meal. What's going on? Is everything okay? I really want to understand why you're visibly upset around meals."

Umm.. yeah. Leave out the arm chair psychology.

Ignore the comments and the sulking. Give your kids what they would normally eat and carry on. If she gets pouty and sulky quietly remind her that YOU are their parent, and it isn't up to her what they eat. Or what you eat for that matter. Take your own food.

[Anonymous]

What if, as part of your vacation planning, you set up a sign up genius or Google doc.

She could have all of the main meals, or 2/3 of them, if she wants, someone else can help generate a shopping list.

You can add to the doc (or list) "snacks" or "clean foods" like plain bananas, yogurt cups, 200 calories packs of things like pretzels, and explain that your kids sometimes needs "on the go" foods or that you are working on several smaller meals throughout the day to support <insert issue here...muscle development, keeping a balance of sugars, prep for the snack schedule for next year, soccer practice, napping...>.

As a parent, you have more of a right to control what goes into your kid's faces that than she does.
If she pouts or you pout, try not to care.

I agree that the eating disorder "force is strong with this one." It feeds an addiction to do what the foodie says, while they make the choices for you, and sets your kids up, (in a very small way) to consume things they don't want to please others in the name of friendship. It it came in a martini glass or a pill, not on a plate, would you make your kid consume it?

I also agree that the small act of eating a banana may be a person who had that banana "budgeted" for a recipe for X number or people. The shopping list, including "my kids need __" is a legit idea. My friends and I have done this.