ex-In-laws

[Anonymous]

Quick background: XH no longer in the picture, I have primary custody, it was an ugly divorce and the ex-ILs were heavily involved and the cause of much of the nastiness, kid is K-age, ex-ILs live a 5 hour plane ride away.

I have a few issues.

1. xMIL is coming for a visit next month and is apparently upset with me because I am not planning her visit for her. She has not said anything, but ex-BIL is now messaging me and saying she is upset because I'm not replying quickly enough or with enough information. In the past year, I have sent her multiple emails with hotel and sightseeing suggestions and replied to all of her texts, FB messages and emails within 24hrs. I suggest good dates to plan visits, send her links to possible events that she would enjoy taking DC to, I allow her access to my social media so she can see what DC is up to. She wants me to pick out what they should do each day and help her figure out how to get to NYC from DC, what she should do when my kid isn't with her, spend the days with her, etc.

2. xMIL is also upset because we don't have a 'good' relationship. I do not answer questions about my personal life, only superficial things and I keep the focus on DC. I don't give her information about my family or my career or dating life or anything like that (even though she asks). I invite her over to dinner one night each visit, because DC wants to show off her room and toys, etc, but for the most part, I bring DC to her in the morning, they do their thing all day and we meet up in the evening at a restaurant.

She's gotten upset in the past asking if I really want her and her family in DC's life and she'll go away if I just tell her, and how she loves DC so much, but isn't sure if I want her to visit, etc. I told her that it is important to me that DC have a good relationship with her father's family and xMIL will always be welcome to visit, I just ask that visits be planned in advance so I can make sure we don't have any major conflicts (we travel at least every other month).

But here's the thing, she's partly right. I have no desire to be friends with her. She threatened to take my child away from me and I don't trust her since she's proven that she's more interested in keeping up appearances than keeping my kid safe. She is my child's grandparent and since XH has taken off and DC is very young, it falls to me to keep the relationship going. I don't want DC to think that she's been abandoned by her father's family, so I do encourage visits and have said that I'm open to things like Skype after this next visit (now that DC is old enough to handle it). I am totally fine with a friendly relationship and I am polite, helpful and kind to xMIL when she's here, just like I'd be polite and helpful to anyone else. I just don't want be friends with her.

This visit is stressing me out. The build-up to the visit is stressing me out. I now have ex-BIL messaging me and asking me personal questions (he normally doesn't contact me). My family thinks I should just block them all and be done with it, but I figure letting them have access is best for DC and prevents them from doing something like filing for grandparent's rights (which they have threatened). I'm pretty good at shutting them down when they troll for info about non-DC-related info, but they just don't stop.

Am I a huge bitch for not wanting to be friends with xMIL? Or a sucker for allowing these visits? I usually feel like both every time I talk to her. Any suggestions for a 5yo and a small-town-60yo to check out together (she wants to go somewhere 'new and fun', not just museums, even though DC loves museums)? Any strategies for staying sane in the next few weeks leading up to their visit?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean XH is no longer in the picture? Does he not live nearby? Is he dead? Why can't he manage all of this? He should coordinate visits between his mom and your DC.

But if not, I think you've been more reasonable than you need to be. I would flat out tell her that you don't want her in your personal life, just in your DCs. That her questions are too private.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being very generous leaving your DC with her all day. I also think it's wise not to tell her about your private life, since she has already tried taking your DC away from you. Continue doing what you are doing. The stress is the price you have to pay for doing what is best for your child. Keep your eyes open though.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't leave my children with this woman without supervision.

[Anonymous]

I would not allow anyone who threatened to take my children away from me to have unsupervised time with my children. You are far more generous than I would be.

You are not a bitch because you don't want to be friends with your ex-MIL. You have very good reasons not to want to be friends with her. You're stressing out about this visit, but you don't need to be. So what if they're upset with you? Seriously, you're stressing because people you don't even like aren't happy with you?

You provide information to facilitate the trip, but it's not your job to plan everything or to entertain your ex-MIL the entire time. Explain what you are willing to do, then do it. MIL is a grown woman and can plan her own travel. If BIL is so worried about it, he can do it for her. She is not a child and she is not your responsibility.

Continue to avoid/evade/shut down any attempts to obtain personal information from you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like you are handling a really messy situation with a lot of grace. I also think you are putting your child's best interests first, at signifcant expense to you emotionally - which is commendable, rare, and really a huge gift to your child.

Do you think there is a way you could frame some boundaries, in writing, to the ex's family. "I very much want Jane to have a relationship with all of you, and I am really pleased we have been able to make that work thus far. I do feel though, that we're all having some frustrations with the arrangement and I think it would be helpful to clarify how this could work. I would love for you all to be able to see her when you come to town (for full days on your own as we've been doing, as well as an occasional visit in our home so she can show off her room, etc...). I also want to be sure she has contact with you in between visits - as we've been setting up with Skype, and perhaps some day in the future - mail or email. I value you all as part of her family and will do my best to ensure nothing but the most positive interactions possible. As you can imagine, it takes some coordination to make sure these things are possible - which is why I need advance notice when you plan to visit. I also ask you to respect that my personal life, beyond your role with Jane, is not something I intend to or feel comfortable discussing."

Etc... you get the gist.

Set up some boundaries for yourself and stick to them, while constantly reiterating that you absolutely intend to ensure they are a presence in your child's life.

If they can't respect your boundaries then you can cut off contact, and if they have any brains and value the relationship with the child, they won't do that.

Good luck. I really think you're doing a very admirable thing but you will probably never be thanked for it fully until your child is a parent and dealing w/ some similarly challenging dynamic.

As for the next few weeks, make your terms clear, make your best offer re access to the child, then be firm about not giving in to pressure and do not beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very nervous to have her alone with my child all day - she threatened to have your child taken away and threatened to sue you. She's probably asking your 5 year old about whether you have a boyfriend too. Clearly any information she gathers on you she may later use for malicious purposes.

I do think it's great that you're allowing your exMIL to have a relationship with her grandchild even though her son is unavailable to facilitate that himself, but I don't know how I'd manage in the situation you describe. She's not respecting your boundaries, her demands are really unreasonable, and now she has her son calling and harassing you, for what exactly?

When you ex-BIL reaches out next, just simply reply you're sorry to hear exMIL's disappointed but you're not in a position to discuss it with him. Or I'd just block him - sounds like he's not the one visiting your child anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow anyone who threatened to take my children away from me to have unsupervised time with my children. You are far more generous than I would be.

You are not a bitch because you don't want to be friends with your ex-MIL. You have very good reasons not to want to be friends with her. You're stressing out about this visit, but you don't need to be. So what if they're upset with you? Seriously, you're stressing because people you don't even like aren't happy with you?

You provide information to facilitate the trip, but it's not your job to plan everything or to entertain your ex-MIL the entire time. Explain what you are willing to do, then do it. MIL is a grown woman and can plan her own travel. If BIL is so worried about it, he can do it for her. She is not a child and she is not your responsibility.

Continue to avoid/evade/shut down any attempts to obtain personal information from you.

This. Those inlaws are hell, huh? Even ex, they still know how to get to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It sounds like you are handling a really messy situation with a lot of grace. I also think you are putting your child's best interests first, at signifcant expense to you emotionally - which is commendable, rare, and really a huge gift to your child.

Do you think there is a way you could frame some boundaries, in writing, to the ex's family. "I very much want Jane to have a relationship with all of you, and I am really pleased we have been able to make that work thus far. I do feel though, that we're all having some frustrations with the arrangement and I think it would be helpful to clarify how this could work. I would love for you all to be able to see her when you come to town (for full days on your own as we've been doing, as well as an occasional visit in our home so she can show off her room, etc...). I also want to be sure she has contact with you in between visits - as we've been setting up with Skype, and perhaps some day in the future - mail or email. I value you all as part of her family and will do my best to ensure nothing but the most positive interactions possible. As you can imagine, it takes some coordination to make sure these things are possible - which is why I need advance notice when you plan to visit. I also ask you to respect that my personal life, beyond your role with Jane, is not something I intend to or feel comfortable discussing."

Etc... you get the gist.

Set up some boundaries for yourself and stick to them, while constantly reiterating that you absolutely intend to ensure they are a presence in your child's life.

If they can't respect your boundaries then you can cut off contact, and if they have any brains and value the relationship with the child, they won't do that.

Good luck. I really think you're doing a very admirable thing but you will probably never be thanked for it fully until your child is a parent and dealing w/ some similarly challenging dynamic.

As for the next few weeks, make your terms clear, make your best offer re access to the child, then be firm about not giving in to pressure and do not beat yourself up.

Just wanted to reiterate what PP said here. I know you're going through some tough times with this situation but you are a very good mom, OP. Every kid should be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

I thought there was a law suit a few years ago that pretty much settled that grandparents have no rights for visitation.... no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave my children with this woman without supervision.

This

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.

You should always take the high ground when children are involved.

You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.

I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are doing the right thing the way you are handling it now.

You should always take the high ground when children are involved.

You do not have to be friends with her, but I think you are right to be civil and support the relationship, within acceptable boundaries.

I don't understand all these people saying you shouldn't leave your kids with their grandmother - why not?

Did you READ her post? Third paragraph from the bottom. The grandmother threatened to take OP's child away from her. That right there means the child will never be alone with her.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.
Thanks for the replies.

The ex-ILs have calmed down quite a bit as time as gone on and they've realized what a crock of shit XH was feeding them about me and our life. They did/do not know the worst of what XH was/is, and believed that they were doing the right thing at the time. They (and XH) were very soundly shut down by the judge, more than once. They have apologized for some of what happened during the worst part of the divorce and custody issues and I do believe they are sincere.

I have no safety concerns with them taking DC around the city. They know I would bring down all hell if anything happened to my kid while under their supervision.

xMIL is not a bad person, just very used to getting her way and being liked. It baffles her that I don't want to be her friend, I don't look up to her and that I don't want her money. She loves my kid and does want the best for her, she just has trouble comprehending life outside of her small Midwest town. The city intimidates her and she honestly never expected me to be self-sufficient, much less thriving, after I left. So there's this weird undercurrent of her trying to ingratiate herself with me and my family (who want nothing to do with her) too.

Maybe I'll make xMIL bingo and play with my fiance that weekend. Every time she says "You're suuuuuch a GREAT mommy!", talks about how big and busy the city is, or asks about my family, my fiance's family or our jobs, we can X off a box and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner if we get bingo...

[Anonymous]

Like PPs, I think you're very generous and certainly taking the high road. You are doing far more than your xILs have a right to expect of you. Still, I think the issue is the big city intimidates them - as you've already observed. Unless they're experienced travelers, it's really overwhelming and that may be what's really got your MIL worried. But, not your problem. They need to figure this out, not you. You've done plenty and they're coming to visit your DC, not sightsee.