grandparent visits- when is it too much

[Anonymous]

When I was a child, my mother's parents would visit us 1 or 2X per month on a Saturday or Sunday, stay the afternoon, take us out to dinner or shopping, and then go home, 30 mins away. My siblings and I had great relationships with them and look back on the memories fondly. They seemed to give our parents space and let my mom do her job. My parents welcomed their short visits. Today, decades later, my parents, who live about 4 hours away by car, want to see my DC for 5-7 day visits at the rate of 1x per month. They have a lot of money saved up and are retired, so the funds are there to park themselves at a nearby hotel for however long they choose. And yes, I get it's not 30 mins away, so sure, they want to justify the trip. After about a year of this, though, DH and I are getting a bit tired of having them hanging out in our place for so long, especially since they already get a lot of photos and verbal updates about DC. DH's parents live further away and work still so they can't exactly visit so much, nor do I think they even want to. I think back to my childhood and how one Sunday was enough for my grandparents, who also still worked when I was a baby and did quite a bit of traveling as well to keep themselves busy.

I don't know why my parents can't space it out a little more/cut back the days. I'm a SAH mom and DC is a pretty manageable baby. I've tried to delicately tell them it's getting to be too much, but my mother just pulls the "I want to have a relationship with my grandchild" stuff. I know it's a sensitive topic and they only have one grandchild. And yes, their visits are helpful for about a day or two when I can get a few errands done faster without a baby in tow, but I'm also fine with taking DC around if I have to and it's not like everything shuts down after 5 when DH gets home. My mother gets a little manipulative at times, saying that I need a break from the baby and she's happy to watch him all day. Very nice, but by day 5 I wish she'd just go home already.

Anyone else deal with this? I feel like they've turned DC into their raison d'etre. I thought they'd do more with themselves upon retirement.

[Anonymous]

First time grandparents can be as overbearing as first time parents. Sounds like they are retired and are trying to make a new career/hobby out of visits.

Boundaries! It will not get better unless you stand firm and say you love that they have such a close relationship with your family but a long weekend would work better for you. Start walking them back to a place where you are comfortable.

Repeat. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

To add, many folks who retire realize that retirement is pretty boring after a while. Do they travel? Have other hobbies you could encourage?

[Anonymous]

Can you tell them you have "other plans" to either shorten their visits, or make them less frequent. Maybe map out the next six months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First time grandparents can be as overbearing as first time parents. Sounds like they are retired and are trying to make a new career/hobby out of visits.

Boundaries! It will not get better unless you stand firm and say you love that they have such a close relationship with your family but a long weekend would work better for you. Start walking them back to a place where you are comfortable.

Repeat. Repeat.

OP here. Great idea. I know they're already looking to plan their next visit. DH and I want to do a lot over the next few months and quite frankly, he's done with these visits. When they push for a 5+ day visit, I'm going to say, sorry, that's a rough week, how about Friday-Monday morning (when they leave to avoid traffic).

To the other poster, they really don't have hobbies. No clubs, memberships to the town activities complex (they have two close by with pools and tennis courts and tracks), no volunteering. Since retirement my mother has talked about volunteering. Has she done it? NO. She claims she's busy every day (shopping and cleaning the house). They're supposed to go to Europe in a few months but have yet to book a trip.

[Anonymous]

My out of town ILs came a little more than monthly when our first child (and their first grandchild) was born. I wish I had just been upfront and told them that so much visiting was trying and tiring to me. They come from extended families where no one minded being in everyone else's space, etc. And they were not demanding at all -- SO helpful, so kind. But it was hard on me and I grew very resentful, and it colored our relationship for years after that. I know at times I made them feel unwelcome and came off as a brat, just because my preferences were different than theirs.

Speaking from experience, please be straightforward and let them know it's not them, it's you.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to her more about how it is affecting your marriage? You husband would like some down time when he comes home. My mom responds to that.

[Anonymous]

If your parents actually want to have a close relationship with their grandchild, then it is not in anyone's best interest in furthering that goal for there to be tension for their entire visit. Their visits are too much for you. The baby is older and is not changing so rapidly. I would set a limit on what works for you. If what they actually want is to be close to their grandchild, then doing visits in a way that makes mom and dad happy to see them is going to make their grandchild much more comfortable with them and doing visits in a way that stress out the parents. The kid is going to pick up on your stress and associated with grandparents. Not good for anybody.

Expecting them to visit for just one day is obviously not reasonable. But figure out what would work for you. Three days? What if they visited for three days every three weeks instead of five days every four weeks? Would that work for you? Or is the length of the visit less important than the frequency? Would you be fine if they consistently stayed for a week but came only every six weeks? I think your parents are going to keep doing whatever the hell they want unless you tell them flat out that it is not working for you and you need something to change. Once you do that, be prepared for them to kick up a fuss, but know that that is the price you pay. If you stick to your guns and you and your husband present a united front, then they will figure out that these are the terms that work for you and they will adjust themselves accordingly. OR they will continue to be angry, selfish, and manipulative. If that is the case, then they are showing you that they do not care about their grandchild, only about being in control of you and your husband. If that is the case, then you are automatically excused from feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Also, could you have them plan their visits for during the week so you and DH can relax on the weekend? I'm sure your DH doesn't want to have to work all week and then spend a long weekend with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that you won't feel comfortable seeing them so much unless they move back up here to be near you.

it's a shame that families can't stay closer together.

[Anonymous]

Why do they need to have the child for an entire week? Make plans with them for two or three days (or maybe in the mornings, so you have the child in the p.m.

They are trying to be helpful, not pains, so try to be accommodating BUT you also need to set boundaries.

My parents live 10 min away and so they see the kids one weekend day (either they come over or I take the kids over). This gives me a break and a chance for us to clean the house or get some US time.

When my MIL was alive, she would get the other day of the weekend (when she was in town.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for everyone's replies on this. Moving the visits to during the week would be so much better. They are definitely not going to like being limited to 3 days but that's how it has to be. They're having trouble processing that we actually like to take DC places and do not always welcome their offers to take him off our hands. For doctor visits or a date night, sure, but we did get DC a good stroller and baby carrier with the intention of taking him places with us. Last month during one of their visits we left to take DC to a park one morning. My mother's answer? "Why didn't you just leave him with us???"

Even with these long visits, they're still trying to squeeze out more time with DC and have even offered to watch him when we go on vacation but we adamantly declined. He's too young to be away from me for such a long time and we don't mind having him along. Again, I think it's my mom's way of being manipulative. When DC's older and if he wants to spend a week and either of his grandparents' houses, of course.

And yes, they do come from cultures where everyone was in out and of everyone else's houses and up in everyone else's business.

[Anonymous]

Another aspect that seems to be impacting them is what their friends who are grandparents do. I get the sense they compare notes and one up each other. One friend visits her grandkids in another state quite a lot, and, my mother made a point to note, "even has a room to stay in her son's home because that was very important to him." DH and I have a place that is a good size for us and DC. If we get another room, it will be for another child, not for my parents. We can't afford space for them, nor does DH want his in-laws living with him once per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, could you have them plan their visits for during the week so you and DH can relax on the weekend? I'm sure your DH doesn't want to have to work all week and then spend a long weekend with your parents.

That's a good suggestion, since you're a SAHM.

I'd also start spacing it out, so it gets to be more like every 6-8 weeks. "Gosh, Mom, x dates won't work, how about the week of *time range a few weeks later*?" And keep doing that until the gap naturally widens.

You might have to be more direct: "Look, Mom, I'm so glad you and Dad are willing to come and be helpful with the baby, but the visits are actually getting to be a bit much. We're feeling a bit overwhelmed with things going on and want more down time just the three of us, especially as DH wants as much time with LO as he can get when he's not at work. Why don't we plan a shorter visit during the week sometime around *some date 6-7 weeks from now that actually works for you* and see how that goes? I know you want to be helpful to me, Mom, and I so appreciate it, but the best way to be helpful right now is to let us have that down time."

[Anonymous]

Once DC is old enough sign him/her up for pre-school classes and eventually DC will be in school so the visits will have to be limited to weekends/holidays, summer.