Am I wrong?
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Anonymous
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I am going to visit my family in my home state in a few weeks.
I haven't been there in over 5 years. I do see my mother every 1.5 years or so. My father actually moved to my area several years ago. While I'm there, I plan to visit both my mother's family and my father's family. My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. I mentioned to my mother that I planned to take a full day (out of 6) to meet with my father's sister and that we plan to drive 2-3 hours to visit my other aunt and grandmother (dad's mom). She said "Oh good! I haven't seen them in years! It will be nice to see them again." I told her that I would be going alone and I gave her two reasons. 1. This is my father's family. There is really no reason for her to go with me. 2. My mother is extremely physically handicapped as the result of two lifestyle-induced strokes. She relies on a wheelchair. Most places are not wheel-chair friendly. She usually has to leave her wheelchair outside (which she bitches about) and has to sit on a couch for the remainder of the visit (which she also bitches about.) My mother needs help even using the restroom. She can barely walk and is completely parylized on the right side of her body. She also is very, very overweight. It is very difficult for me to help her in and out of cars, up and down stairs and I can definitely not lift her if she falls (which she does frequently). She also has issues with incontinence. Being in the car for hours at a time(meaning she will have to stop for bathroom breaks frequently)and stopping at the homes of several people will be exhausting. I will have to devote most of my attention, energy and time helping her instead of relaxing and enjoying my family. When I told her this, she lost her s**t. She said that I was exaggerating the amount of assistance she needs. I'm not! She also said that they are still her family and she has the right to see them. I stuck to my guns and now she's pissed at me. This always happens when my sister, brother-in-law and nephews visit her. If they take a day to visit someone else, she cries and accuses them of not caring about her. It's flipping exhausting. I know she misses us and wants to spend time together but she doesn't seem to understand that she isn't the only person we want to see. Is it unreasonable to not want to drag her around the state to visit MY family? |
Anonymous
| I think you are right, but you should have been much, much more diplomatic. You could have gotten your way without being so incredibly nasty. |
Anonymous
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10:13 again. I think you are very angry with your mother for being handicapped. I think you should apologize for what you said, whether you are right or correct. Tell her you can revisit the issue when you get there.
I have a handicapped member of the family. I would never tell that person they can't come along because it's so much work. Even though it is. |
Anonymous
| No, you're not wrong but who takes care of her the other 359 days of the year? Can't blame her for wanting to get out since it sounds like she is not very mobile. I'd stay in a hotel and not tell her all of your plans. |
Anonymous
| I wondering if she just likes the idea of getting out to visit anyone, doesn't matter if it is your family or her family. Could you offer to take her to visit friends or family that are much closer. (and leave the judgement about her right to visit them out of it) |
Anonymous
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No I don't think you're being unreasonable.
Whether or not you could have handled it more deftly I don't know, but you're a grown up. You get to decide where you're going, how long you're staying, etc... Build an imaginary shield for the predictable reaction from your mother and just be consistent. "Mom, I'm really sorry but I'll be covering a lot of ground in a short period of time and want to make sure I get a chance to see as many people as possible. I will let them know that you would enjoy seeing them and perhaps you could all invite them here next time I'm visiting so I can help you host." (Or soemthing like that which deflects some anger, offers other possibilities, can be supportive of her, but also maintains your ability to travel as you wish.) |
Anonymous
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You're absolutely within reason to go see your extended family on your own without your mom.
That said, "life-style induced strokes"? Really? True or not, stop blaming your mother for her situation. Drum up some compassion, if you can, for her terrible situation. She doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world, but it must suck to be her. Try to be nice. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I have no idea where you all got that I was nasty. I wasn't at all. I tried to explain it to her as gently as I could.
As far as holding her her disability against her, it's hard not to. She was a nasty, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic meth addict when I was a child. It's hard not to hold onto that. |
Anonymous
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OP, I had a neglectful mom growing up and she is suffering from the results of bad lifestyle choices (smoking, overeating, being sedentary) now in her 70's. She's also a really demanding, selfish personality. I hate visiting her but I do out of guilt and obligation.
I've had to be really clear about boundaries, especially when she gets so unpleasant and abusive because I choose to see other people on my visits to her. I've had to say things like, "Mom, one of the reasons I don't visit you more often is because you get so unpleasant like this when I do. I want to visit ___ and ____ while I am in town. I don't deserve to be punished for that. If you are going to be unpleasant, I will just choose to spend more time with ____ on my visit. " Then I basically put her in "time outs". When she starts bitching about things like that, I just say, "I don't choose to be treated like this, mom. I'm leaving now and I'll be back in a few hours if you are in a better mood. I'll call at 3 and see if you are feeling better." Then I leave. It works. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this advice OP. Most people don't understand what it's like to have to set boundaries with a parent like this. They think I'm being mean and nasty but they don't understand how manipulative addicts are. I wish I could just say that I prefer to go alone and she would understand. |
Anonymous
OP, you didn't mention this in your post. anything else you want to add now? |
Anonymous
| Yeah, OP, there is a big difference between an abusive, addictive personality and a typical parent. Based on your first post, you were being cruel and judgemental. While I still wouldn't exactly categorize you as loving and empathetic towards your mother, your attitude makes much more sense now. |
Anonymous
That'll do. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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I honestly didn't think adding that information was necessary.
I thought it was obvious from the initial information that I provided that she has boundary issues. |
Anonymous
| I think you were right to not invite your mom (or accept your mother's self invitation) to visit with your father's relatives, but I wouldn't have given all the detail you did when explaining why. The main reason is that her ex-ILs have invited you and it wouldn't be your place to set up a reunion between your mother & her ex-ILs. All the issues you describe re the accommodations she requires wouldn't be a problem is she was visiting her own family or friends. It's the fact that she wants to visit her ex-family/ILs that's weird - regardless of her special needs. |