Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you were right to not invite your mom (or accept your mother's self invitation) to visit with your father's relatives, but I wouldn't have given all the detail you did when explaining why. The main reason is that her ex-ILs have invited you and it wouldn't be your place to set up a reunion between your mother & her ex-ILs. All the issues you describe re the accommodations she requires wouldn't be a problem is she was visiting her own family or friends. It's the fact that she wants to visit her ex-family/ILs that's weird - regardless of her special needs.

Not everyone is on bad terms with ex-ils.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were right to not invite your mom (or accept your mother's self invitation) to visit with your father's relatives, but I wouldn't have given all the detail you did when explaining why. The main reason is that her ex-ILs have invited you and it wouldn't be your place to set up a reunion between your mother & her ex-ILs. All the issues you describe re the accommodations she requires wouldn't be a problem is she was visiting her own family or friends. It's the fact that she wants to visit her ex-family/ILs that's weird - regardless of her special needs.

Not everyone is on bad terms with ex-ils.

It's not about being on bad or good terms with ex-ILs, but if some one invites their adult niece or grandchild to come visit, it would be odd for the ex-DIL/SIL to just assume she should come to. There are friendly and less friendly divorces in my family and separate socialization is the norm either way. If there's a wedding or some big family function at a 3rd venue, sure everyone shows up and is nice, but after a divorce, people usually stop just showing up uninvited to their ex-IL's place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were right to not invite your mom (or accept your mother's self invitation) to visit with your father's relatives, but I wouldn't have given all the detail you did when explaining why. The main reason is that her ex-ILs have invited you and it wouldn't be your place to set up a reunion between your mother & her ex-ILs. All the issues you describe re the accommodations she requires wouldn't be a problem is she was visiting her own family or friends. It's the fact that she wants to visit her ex-family/ILs that's weird - regardless of her special needs.

Not everyone is on bad terms with ex-ils.

It's not about being on bad or good terms with ex-ILs, but if some one invites their adult niece or grandchild to come visit, it would be odd for the ex-DIL/SIL to just assume she should come to. There are friendly and less friendly divorces in my family and separate socialization is the norm either way. If there's a wedding or some big family function at a 3rd venue, sure everyone shows up and is nice, but after a divorce, people usually stop just showing up uninvited to their ex-IL's place.

OP here. My parents had a very long, ugly divorce which was paired with an even uglier 10 year long custody battle.
My mother doesn't keep contact with my father's family, aside from my aunt being her dental hygienist.
Another thing I didn't mention is that my other aunt is suffering from terminal breast/liver/lung cancer.
This will likely be the last time I see her.
She used to be very close with these people but hasn't spoken to many of them in years.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to consider how you would feel if someone came to see you for several days. Then left during the visit and announced you weren't welcome to come along because of how unpleasant it is to travel with you, how difficult you are, etc. Is that something you could deal with? Would want to have happen to you?

Whatever you dish out, OP, (even to your mother), consider whether you would welcome yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to consider how you would feel if someone came to see you for several days. Then left during the visit and announced you weren't welcome to come along because of how unpleasant it is to travel with you, how difficult you are, etc. Is that something you could deal with? Would want to have happen to you?

Whatever you dish out, OP, (even to your mother), consider whether you would welcome yourself.

I would never invite myself to go with someone on their trip to visit someone. I didn't just come out and say "Hey Mom, I'm going to visit Aunt Larla but you can't come because they aren't your family and I don't want to help you physically." I mentioned it, she invited herself and I told her no in as gentle a way as possible.
I wouldn't dare put another person into such an awkward situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to consider how you would feel if someone came to see you for several days. Then left during the visit and announced you weren't welcome to come along because of how unpleasant it is to travel with you, how difficult you are, etc. Is that something you could deal with? Would want to have happen to you?

Whatever you dish out, OP, (even to your mother), consider whether you would welcome yourself.

Not the OP but this is exactly what you tell someone who has boundary issues. And, having cared for a parent physically handicapped like OP's mother, I can attest to the difficulties of arranging travel for them. It's especially difficult when you have a limited amount of time to accomplish what you need to do. Does it suck? Yeah, it does but that's the grim reality of having those kinds of disabilities. Have you every tried to lift a person with limited mobility that has fallen? You risk injuring yourself and the other person. I feel sorry for OP's mother but I can't fault OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to consider how you would feel if someone came to see you for several days. Then left during the visit and announced you weren't welcome to come along because of how unpleasant it is to travel with you, how difficult you are, etc. Is that something you could deal with? Would want to have happen to you?

Whatever you dish out, OP, (even to your mother), consider whether you would welcome yourself.

Not the OP but this is exactly what you tell someone who has boundary issues. And, having cared for a parent physically handicapped like OP's mother, I can attest to the difficulties of arranging travel for them. It's especially difficult when you have a limited amount of time to accomplish what you need to do. Does it suck? Yeah, it does but that's the grim reality of having those kinds of disabilities. Have you every tried to lift a person with limited mobility that has fallen? You risk injuring yourself and the other person. I feel sorry for OP's mother but I can't fault OP.

+1000 The incontinence issues alone would prove quite difficult to manage in public restrooms when the person already has physical limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have no idea where you all got that I was nasty. I wasn't at all. I tried to explain it to her as gently as I could.
As far as holding her her disability against her, it's hard not to. She was a nasty, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic meth addict when I was a child. It's hard not to hold onto that.

Feel free to hold on to it.

Also, feel free to not visit her again.