Positive Family Bonds

[Anonymous]

If you have really positive, healthy relationships with your parents, siblings and in-laws (and with your whole family in general), what was your childhood like? Especially from birth to 5?

[Anonymous]

Who the heck remembers birth to 5?

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my mom (my father is deceased) and I have fond memories (snipits) of early childhood. But they are very much snipits. Like being outside our house catching snow, watching a parade at Disneyworld, hiking on a trail, and I know my mom was with me, but they are less so memories of me with my mom. FWIW, my parents divorced when I was young (but after 5) and I had a very rocky relationship with my mother for a long time post early childhood. Perhaps not fair to say rocky, but we weren't close. There just wasn't a bond. That all changed when I went to college. Though my mom has had some ups and downs in her own personal and professional life, no matter what, she put me first. I know there were times when she didn't have money for shampoo or toilet paper, but she always put on a bold front, and she would do little things for me that showed she was thinking about me, despite how tough her circumstances were. My mom is awesome, but I don't think our relationship has anything to do with the 0-5 years.

[Anonymous]

For myself, I was definitely spoiled by growing up in a family where both my parents got along with their in-laws. Even the in-laws get along with each other.

Looking back it was by no means perfect. But when I think about my childhood, I get such a warm feeling. It was basically a village mentality of child-rearing. No one ever hired baby-sitters. Children were just dropped off at an aunt's or grandma's house. And when we were at someone's house, we just went by their rules. I should ask my mom, but I don't ever remember her stressing about how much more lax other adults were with us than she was.

For example, at Grammy's house, there was always junk food. Fruity Pebbles, sandwiches with white bread and mayo. Someone would give each of us kids a dollar to go to the candy store.

At Grandmom's, she always let us do all kinds of messy projects, like play with flour and water at the kitchen table. At the end, she would have us roll the dough flat into whatever shape we wanted. Then she would fry it in a frying pan, put butter, and let us eat it. My parents would never have time or patience to let us do something like that. I have countless vivid memories of seemingly insignificant activities that seemed like such a big deal at the time.

Of course, I don't remember much before I was 5. But I remember baby cousins always being around. Same drill, parents would often just drop them off with their supplies and be on their way. They talk about how my mom left me with my aunt for a week, when I was 1y.o. No laundry list of specifics. There was basic trust that another mother knew how to care for a baby. It's a foreign idea to me when I read on DCUM how worried parents get about leaving their baby/child in general. Unless someone was violent or alcoholic or something else extreme, the adults generally trusted each other to care for their children.

As an adult, my parents are my best friends, and they get along wonderfully with my husband. I got such a strong foundation of family as a child, I couldn't imagine not having that. And if you are still reading this unedited dissertation of mine, good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For myself, I was definitely spoiled by growing up in a family where both my parents got along with their in-laws. Even the in-laws get along with each other.

Looking back it was by no means perfect. But when I think about my childhood, I get such a warm feeling. It was basically a village mentality of child-rearing. No one ever hired baby-sitters. Children were just dropped off at an aunt's or grandma's house. And when we were at someone's house, we just went by their rules. I should ask my mom, but I don't ever remember her stressing about how much more lax other adults were with us than she was.

For example, at Grammy's house, there was always junk food. Fruity Pebbles, sandwiches with white bread and mayo. Someone would give each of us kids a dollar to go to the candy store.

At Grandmom's, she always let us do all kinds of messy projects, like play with flour and water at the kitchen table. At the end, she would have us roll the dough flat into whatever shape we wanted. Then she would fry it in a frying pan, put butter, and let us eat it. My parents would never have time or patience to let us do something like that. I have countless vivid memories of seemingly insignificant activities that seemed like such a big deal at the time.

Of course, I don't remember much before I was 5. But I remember baby cousins always being around. Same drill, parents would often just drop them off with their supplies and be on their way. They talk about how my mom left me with my aunt for a week, when I was 1y.o. No laundry list of specifics. There was basic trust that another mother knew how to care for a baby. It's a foreign idea to me when I read on DCUM how worried parents get about leaving their baby/child in general. Unless someone was violent or alcoholic or something else extreme, the adults generally trusted each other to care for their children.

As an adult, my parents are my best friends, and they get along wonderfully with my husband. I got such a strong foundation of family as a child, I couldn't imagine not having that. And if you are still reading this unedited dissertation of mine, good for you.

+10000

I had the same experience growing up. Mil is not a big communicator, women are supposed to not talk unless spoken to, so it is a sad existence for the IL's.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my parents, and of the early years, what I remember was feeling safe, secure and loved. Just "knowing" that they were always there when I needed them. All the little things that are BIG things when you're small -- my mom always coming to school to pick me up when I got sick and never making me feel like it was inconvenient, or running to my room at night after a nightmare to comfort me, same thing -- now I know she was probably exhausted the next day!

Mom and Dad both often said I love you, hugged us a lot and gave compliments about things we learned to do, etc., I think all these actions helped build that feeling of love and security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great relationship with my parents, and of the early years, what I remember was feeling safe, secure and loved. Just "knowing" that they were always there when I needed them. All the little things that are BIG things when you're small -- my mom always coming to school to pick me up when I got sick and never making me feel like it was inconvenient, or running to my room at night after a nightmare to comfort me, same thing -- now I know she was probably exhausted the next day!

Mom and Dad both often said I love you, hugged us a lot and gave compliments about things we learned to do, etc., I think all these actions helped build that feeling of love and security.

This. I also have great memories of my parents just plain enjoying being with me and having fun with us kids. There was lots of laughing and rough housing and joking around. My parents were young (early 20s) and one of my favorite memories is of a giant tickle fight that started when Dad came after me (I must have been 4 or 5), then my toddler sister, then my mom. We all ended up on their bed while dad and us kids tickled mom, everyone belly-laughing and looking ridiculous.

They always listened to us and got down on our level, there was plenty of "because I'm the parent and I said so" but there was also lots of "This is why I'm asking you to do X" too. They didn't treat us the same or as extensions of themselves either, they allowed us to be US and they thought we were awesome little people who deserved respect. They expected respect in return (and boy were we polite kids), but it was not a one way street.

We also did a lot as a family. We lived far away from immediate family and we didn't have a lot of money, so if something needed to be done, we tagged along. That said, both my parents made sure we saw them doing things THEY loved. We were the most important thing to them, but not the ONLY important thing. It wasn't all kid-focused. I have memories of my mom sewing and working on grad school papers, my dad in the garage making furniture, my parents taking classes together, hosting costume parties, taking trips without us, etc. If we were interested, sometimes they'd pause and teach us what they were doing, but we were also expected to entertain ourselves if they were busy. We fit into their life and they saw life as an adventure. Kids were just a part of that.

Most of the pictures of when I was little are of me in some ridiculous, obviously kid-chosen, outfit or doing something weird and one or both parents laughing at/with me. I never felt like I was an inconvenience to my parents, even when I was in trouble, I knew they loved me. Thinking about young childhood, the overwhelming feeling is that they just enjoyed me. That just being with me made them happy. That's a pretty awesome feeling

My parents and my siblings are my best friends. We don't always get along, but the love and welcome and acceptance is still there. Even when one of us does something spectacularly stupid and needs help, my parents are the ones that say "Yep, that was really dumb. Do you need a hand?" No 'I told you so', no shaming, just 'bet you won't do THAT again, let's move on'. I really, really hope I'm able to give my kids that same secure, joyful childhood that I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For myself, I was definitely spoiled by growing up in a family where both my parents got along with their in-laws. Even the in-laws get along with each other.

Looking back it was by no means perfect. But when I think about my childhood, I get such a warm feeling. It was basically a village mentality of child-rearing. No one ever hired baby-sitters. Children were just dropped off at an aunt's or grandma's house. And when we were at someone's house, we just went by their rules. I should ask my mom, but I don't ever remember her stressing about how much more lax other adults were with us than she was.

For example, at Grammy's house, there was always junk food. Fruity Pebbles, sandwiches with white bread and mayo. Someone would give each of us kids a dollar to go to the candy store.

At Grandmom's, she always let us do all kinds of messy projects, like play with flour and water at the kitchen table. At the end, she would have us roll the dough flat into whatever shape we wanted. Then she would fry it in a frying pan, put butter, and let us eat it. My parents would never have time or patience to let us do something like that. I have countless vivid memories of seemingly insignificant activities that seemed like such a big deal at the time.

Of course, I don't remember much before I was 5. But I remember baby cousins always being around. Same drill, parents would often just drop them off with their supplies and be on their way. They talk about how my mom left me with my aunt for a week, when I was 1y.o. No laundry list of specifics. There was basic trust that another mother knew how to care for a baby. It's a foreign idea to me when I read on DCUM how worried parents get about leaving their baby/child in general. Unless someone was violent or alcoholic or something else extreme, the adults generally trusted each other to care for their children.

As an adult, my parents are my best friends, and they get along wonderfully with my husband. I got such a strong foundation of family as a child, I couldn't imagine not having that. And if you are still reading this unedited dissertation of mine, good for you.

You made me smile.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has really positive relationships with his parents, and they fought like crazy when he was a little kid, finally divorcing when he was 7. He told me once when he thinks back on his earliest memories he sees nothing and hears screaming in his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great relationship with my parents, and of the early years, what I remember was feeling safe, secure and loved. Just "knowing" that they were always there when I needed them. All the little things that are BIG things when you're small -- my mom always coming to school to pick me up when I got sick and never making me feel like it was inconvenient, or running to my room at night after a nightmare to comfort me, same thing -- now I know she was probably exhausted the next day!

Mom and Dad both often said I love you, hugged us a lot and gave compliments about things we learned to do, etc., I think all these actions helped build that feeling of love and security.

Me too, exactly. They spent lots of time with me and were very affectionate. In particular I remember my mother reading to me as often and as much as I wanted.

[Anonymous]

I have a very good relationship with my family of origin (parents and older sister), a very good marriage, terrific inlaws who I adore and who adore me, and very good relationships with my own two kids.

I give a ton of credit to my parents, who were and are very sane and loving people. I had a stable childhood and they worked hard to provide that. I always knew that they would take care of me. A lot stemmed from their very stable (but not perfect) marriage. I certainly remember hearing my parents fight when I was a kid, but they fought fair, made up, and never dragged us into it. No one in my immediate family has ever been big on drama. My husband and his family are the same -- I would not have married someone who wasn't fundamentally rational and caring.

Yet both my parents came from rather disfunctional families. My mother's mother was very pushy and difficult, and my mother's sister had serious mental health issues that deeply affected my mom. My father's parents were indifferent bordering on neglectful. All the more reason to be thankful to them for creating for me and my sister something they didn't have themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have incredibly positive family bonds. My inlaws are a bit trickier. But the one huge main difference I see between our families is that mine does not use guilt as a means to get their way. Ever. No one is ever guilted into ANYTHING and never has been.

The result:

We all love to spend time together, have great relationships, respect boundaries and marriages, our kids love each other and the grandparents are helpful, without middling. Everyone also respects and welcomes all the in-law families too. In short, there's no guilt needed because we all flock together naturally. If someone didn't want to be a part of it, that's too bad, but we would not guilt them into coming to Xmas.

My inlaws use guilt to attempt to get what they want. It's amazing how it backfires and actually makes you want to spend LESS time with them. Mostly because they will still find some other reason to lay guilt at your feet.

Main take away in life: be someone other people want to be around. That way you'll never have to request that people spend more time with you, because you'll already have that.