Little Lies--What's Acceptable? What's Not?

[Anonymous]

I've been trying to explain to DH how small lies, usually him neglecting to leave out information, make me upset. He says that they are no big deal, focusing on the act, but for me not telling me things is disrespectful. He usually omits information because he'd rather not deal with my annoyance. Some examples:

1) Calling from the office to say he's coming home, but then stopping by the CVS or wine shoppe for a quick purchase of beer.
2) Being late picking up DC from practice, calling another parent to pick DC up because he's running really late, then picking DC up from the other parent's house to come home. Then, once at home, not telling me about it because DC did get picked up to come home.
3) Telling me that he's going to grab a burger on the way home because he's hungry. I say we have Pete's Apizza at home. He says, OK, great, I'll have that then. Then decides he's hungry anyway, gets the burger, and then comes home without mentioning it. I find the receipt later.
4) Having a boy's night out. I ask where they went, what they did, how it went, etc., etc. He tells me they went to the sports bar, the restaurant, the cigar bar, but omits to mention to strip club--which I ask about because there is a wad of dollar bills left in his pocket.

I KNOW these are lies that are inconsequential in and of themselves--and I don't even really care that they went to a strip club as a group of guys--but what bothers me is that he regularly leaves out details that he knows I would be interested in because he'd rather just not deal with me. And the ironic thing is that I would be so much less annoyed if he was forthright and said, "I ended up getting a burger anyway because I was so hungry!" I'd most likely say, "OK, no problem. There's still pizza if you want more."

Thoughts? Do all guys do this? I've tried to explain to DH that it's not the acts themselves, which I admit are small potatoes, it's the intentional evasion that erodes my tryst. Also, the fact that he lies about small stuff makes me wonder about how he will evade telling me about bigger things.

[Anonymous]

Firstly, the only one that's really an issue is the one about picking up the kid because as a parent you have a right to know where your child is at all times.

Stop asking your husband so many details about his boys nights out. Just ask if he had fun, say you're glad, and move on. You sound harpy and insecure asking all those detailed questions.

Your husband is not lying to you when he stops somewhere on the way home - he starts home, then realizes he wants/needs something, so he gets it.

It sounds like you're looking for reasons to be angry at your husband. Unclench.

[Anonymous]

Some of these lies are super weird. How long is his commute? I have blood sugar drops where I sometimes urgently need food, but it's odd to me to agree to eat at home and then get food out immediately after the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Firstly, the only one that's really an issue is the one about picking up the kid because as a parent you have a right to know where your child is at all times.

Stop asking your husband so many details about his boys nights out. Just ask if he had fun, say you're glad, and move on. You sound harpy and insecure asking all those detailed questions.

Your husband is not lying to you when he stops somewhere on the way home - he starts home, then realizes he wants/needs something, so he gets it.

It sounds like you're looking for reasons to be angry at your husband. Unclench.

Agree with everything here. Only would care about not knowing where my kid is in case of an emergency. The other stuff is no big deal. I don't ask DH a ton of questions about his nights because I trust him/don't really care to know where they ate, where they went for drinks, who was there, etc. He's an adult and can decide what he wants to do regarding food or errands. I'd only be mad if he was expected to be home at a certain time and was an hour late because he decided to stop somewhere else.

You're trying to police him and control what he does. Something tells me you've expressed annoyance at what he does when he's told you (like he stops somewhere else to get a burger and you harp about how you TOLD him you had burgers there) and he just finds it easier to not tell you than get attacked.

Lighten up

[Anonymous]

I don't see the food/errand ones as a big deal at all. If you do, you may have some control issues. A grownup shouldn't have to justify or explain every move they make.

The kid thing might bother me a bit if it was a habit - does he not call you because you're busy, or does he not call you because you'd be mad? Sometimes running late from work is unavoidable, or getting out on time is not possible.

The strip club thing.... eh, how many times has this actually happened? Are you sure he actually went to a strip club? I've come home from normal bars with $20 in 1's in my pocket a few times because if you give some bartenders a $10 or $20 for a $5 beer, they'll give you a ton of ones back because they want you to tip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these lies are super weird. How long is his commute? I have blood sugar drops where I sometimes urgently need food, but it's odd to me to agree to eat at home and then get food out immediately after the conversation.

Dh and I have both done something like this. Say "ok yeah I'll eat when I get home" and then realized "ugh I don't want to have to cook it" or "it would be way easier to just swing through the drive through than have to wait until I get home to prepare everything". It's not a big deal

[Anonymous]

You are micro managing your husband. He hides things from you because you want to control every minute of his time. Unless he is late for somethig you have agreed to, he can run to the store without telling you.

Imagine if he wanted to know all of that about you. Your every move.
The picking up C late is a problem, the rest, sound like you want to know things that really aren't your business.

sounds to me like he wants autonomy and independance and you are craving intimacy and closeness. So talk to him about both of your needs and find a balance. Like Tuesdays are our night, no trip to the store, and the other nights, are yours. Or if the problem is he is always free and you are always home with kids while he goes to grab a burger, then talk about creating time for each of you to have your autonomy and indepenance. But stop trying to manage and surveillance him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some of these lies are super weird. How long is his commute? I have blood sugar drops where I sometimes urgently need food, but it's odd to me to agree to eat at home and then get food out immediately after the conversation.

Dh and I have both done something like this. Say "ok yeah I'll eat when I get home" and then realized "ugh I don't want to have to cook it" or "it would be way easier to just swing through the drive through than have to wait until I get home to prepare everything". It's not a big deal

Except the one where she said "we have Pete's Apizza here already" and then he says "great, I'll have that." To then suddenly have a burger seems weird. But again - is it a super long commute? Is he starving?

[Anonymous]

Probably once a week I stop to pick up something on my way home. Whether it be a bottle of wine, some feminine products, a snack for later, or something I realized I needed for dinner. If I'm running into the grocery store I'll usually text DH to see if there is anything he wants, but otherwise I just stop without letting DH know.

I'd be so annoyed with DH if he tried to control my every move and then got mad at me. Micromanaging, controlling, unfair...it's not healthy

[Anonymous]

I guess I am annoyed at the little stops on the way home because he gets home so late--usually between 7:30 and 8, and we have two young kids. I also work FT and I rush home to pick up the kids from daycare at 5, prep dinner, feed and bathe the kids, and when DH decides at 7:20 that he need a beer and makes even a quick pit-stop at the CVS, I just find that so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am annoyed at the little stops on the way home because he gets home so late--usually between 7:30 and 8, and we have two young kids. I also work FT and I rush home to pick up the kids from daycare at 5, prep dinner, feed and bathe the kids, and when DH decides at 7:20 that he need a beer and makes even a quick pit-stop at the CVS, I just find that so annoying.

So that adds what? Another 5, maybe 10 min? I think you're looking at all these little things when really you are annoyed about something bigger (the fact that he works late and you have to do all the evening stuff). Have a discussion about that, because nit picking his whereabouts and what he's doing isn't constructive and isn't going to fix anything. It just comes off as micro managing and controlling, and DH will just brush you off/get annoyed.

Instead, try to have a conversation about how you are feeling overwhelmed having to do so much in the evening. Maybe you can get a mother's helper a few days a week or something. THAT is the conversation worth having, not the nitpicking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to explain to DH how small lies, usually him neglecting to leave out information, make me upset. He says that they are no big deal, focusing on the act, but for me not telling me things is disrespectful. He usually omits information because he'd rather not deal with my annoyance. Some examples:

1) Calling from the office to say he's coming home, but then stopping by the CVS or wine shoppe for a quick purchase of beer.
2) Being late picking up DC from practice, calling another parent to pick DC up because he's running really late, then picking DC up from the other parent's house to come home. Then, once at home, not telling me about it because DC did get picked up to come home.
3) Telling me that he's going to grab a burger on the way home because he's hungry. I say we have Pete's Apizza at home. He says, OK, great, I'll have that then. Then decides he's hungry anyway, gets the burger, and then comes home without mentioning it. I find the receipt later.
4) Having a boy's night out. I ask where they went, what they did, how it went, etc., etc. He tells me they went to the sports bar, the restaurant, the cigar bar, but omits to mention to strip club--which I ask about because there is a wad of dollar bills left in his pocket.

I KNOW these are lies that are inconsequential in and of themselves--and I don't even really care that they went to a strip club as a group of guys--but what bothers me is that he regularly leaves out details that he knows I would be interested in because he'd rather just not deal with me. And the ironic thing is that I would be so much less annoyed if he was forthright and said, "I ended up getting a burger anyway because I was so hungry!" I'd most likely say, "OK, no problem. There's still pizza if you want more."

Thoughts? Do all guys do this? I've tried to explain to DH that it's not the acts themselves, which I admit are small potatoes, it's the intentional evasion that erodes my tryst. Also, the fact that he lies about small stuff makes me wonder about how he will evade telling me about bigger things.

I can be a nag (yes - I admit it! and I am getting better)
But this sounds nitpicky even to me - on the kid part, yes that's strange and something I'd want to know and purposefully omitting the strip club...well clearly he didn't feel comfortable telling you about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to explain to DH how small lies, usually him neglecting to leave out information, make me upset. He says that they are no big deal, focusing on the act, but for me not telling me things is disrespectful. He usually omits information because he'd rather not deal with my annoyance. Some examples:

1) Calling from the office to say he's coming home, but then stopping by the CVS or wine shoppe for a quick purchase of beer.
2) Being late picking up DC from practice, calling another parent to pick DC up because he's running really late, then picking DC up from the other parent's house to come home. Then, once at home, not telling me about it because DC did get picked up to come home.
3) Telling me that he's going to grab a burger on the way home because he's hungry. I say we have Pete's Apizza at home. He says, OK, great, I'll have that then. Then decides he's hungry anyway, gets the burger, and then comes home without mentioning it. I find the receipt later.
4) Having a boy's night out. I ask where they went, what they did, how it went, etc., etc. He tells me they went to the sports bar, the restaurant, the cigar bar, but omits to mention to strip club--which I ask about because there is a wad of dollar bills left in his pocket.

I KNOW these are lies that are inconsequential in and of themselves--and I don't even really care that they went to a strip club as a group of guys--but what bothers me is that he regularly leaves out details that he knows I would be interested in because he'd rather just not deal with me. And the ironic thing is that I would be so much less annoyed if he was forthright and said, "I ended up getting a burger anyway because I was so hungry!" I'd most likely say, "OK, no problem. There's still pizza if you want more."

Thoughts? Do all guys do this? I've tried to explain to DH that it's not the acts themselves, which I admit are small potatoes, it's the intentional evasion that erodes my tryst. Also, the fact that he lies about small stuff makes me wonder about how he will evade telling me about bigger things.

These sorts of lies are what teens do because their parents hassle them too much. Passing by CVS is nothing to get upset about. Try being less irritated with him about shit you know doesn't matter... hopefully he will start to tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these lies are super weird. How long is his commute? I have blood sugar drops where I sometimes urgently need food, but it's odd to me to agree to eat at home and then get food out immediately after the conversation.

It's called changing your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these lies are super weird. How long is his commute? I have blood sugar drops where I sometimes urgently need food, but it's odd to me to agree to eat at home and then get food out immediately after the conversation.

It's called changing your mind.