Little Lies--What's Acceptable? What's Not?
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Anonymous
Yeah, seems like he should come home, then go out to cvs once the kids are asleep |
Anonymous
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I'm glad I'm not the only one to think #2 isn't a big deal. DH was running late and he made alternative arrangements, that's not really a big deal. The more telling thing is that DW must know where everybody is down to the minute detail. Until she can let go of that level of control, then any omission of even the tiniest detail becomes a lie.
As for the run to CVS, I think its fine to be mildly annoying but not really a "lie". OP sounds like an insecure control freak, she's lucky anyone puts up with this level of shit because I certainly wouldn't. |
Anonymous
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I think the dynamic here is the problem, not the ‘little lies”, probably because he’s telling them as a way to avoid either control or criticism on your part. My guess it that your DH resents some of what he perceives as demands but rather than being straight forward about it, avoids conflict, or tries to, by omitting things or doing them anyway and then pretending like it was on the spur of the moment so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for wanting to do something else and acting on it.
Like—instead of saying “hey, I’m tired of pizza” or “hey, I would like to organize dinner” or’ You know what, I really want a burger” he tells you ‘yeah, great, pizza’s fine” but then gets a burger because that’s what he really wants, but he didn’t want to get into it with you, was afraid you might then go on about how you had planned dinner already, etc. I’m guessing he omits the errand because he is afraid of conflict or censure from you for not coming home directly, etc. I often find it annoying that DH comes home and suddenly needs to RUN OUT THAT SECOND to get something because its usually when its time to make dinner or put the kids to bed, but I decide that unless its a really bad time, I say nothing since its not a big deal an I am not his mother. I'm guessing he omits the strip club because he thinks you would be upset--in this case you should be clear on your feelings about it so that you can discuss it openly. The kid thing would bother me, but DH has done stuff like this and its because he wants to avoid criticism on my part—we’ve worked on things so that we are both better about stating our desires, responsibilities and expectations we try to work through them in case of conflicts. I've dialed way back on nitpicking and criticism, particularly when it comes to his time, his work, his plans with friends and his parenting (unless I feel it endangers our kids or contradicts shared child rearing philosophy). THus, he does not need to lie about giving them donuts once a week, but I also don't question him about what he fed the kids when he was with them. In your case, your husband isn’t owning up to what he actually really wants to do, but is acting on it anyway in a passive way and lying. Maybe you are too controlling, or maybe he is too passive and not direct, and maybe it is some combination of both but I suggest that you open things up for discussion and ask him whether he feels like you’re too controlling and if that’s why he takes the “easier” route to get what he wants because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. |
Anonymous
Or just keep his beer stocked at home? It's not like he's drinking the beer at CVS, right? So when doing the grocery shopping, if he needs beer for the week, pick it up then and enjoy after the kids are in bed through out the week. I assume that's what most beer-drinking dads do. |
Anonymous
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My exDW as a bit like OP - wanted me to account for every minute of my day, every penny I spent, etc. The problem was, beyond the nitpickiniess, she also had a double standard. She would want to know who I was texting or talking with on my cell phone, but would get pissed if I asked her the same question (turns out she had a BF on the side), wanted me to dump all of my pay into the joint account and pay for everything and would tell me it was none of my business what she was doing with "her money," she would rage if I was 5 minutes late but she would regularly be 30 minutes late and be unapologetic about it.
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Anonymous
Another guy. Ditto. OP--remember, you are his spouse, not his mother. You're treating him like a little child asking him to account for every minute he's out of your sight. That's stifling. Instead of focusing on the details, you need to focus on the ends that matter. You are a parent of two young children and your partner is coming home late at 7:30 or 8:00. You need to change the message from "what time are your leaving, where are you stopping and when are you getting home" to "It's difficult managing two kids by myself. I need you to get home sooner, like by 7:00. Then it's up to him as an adult to decide if he wants to leave work an hour earlier or cut out the stops and do them some other time. |
Anonymous
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What day of the week does he get to have his balls back out of the little glass case you have them in? Or maybe every two weeks?
Signed me a woman who respects her DH |
Anonymous
Yup. |