What to do with a friend who constantly wants to compare her DC's college acceptances to yours?

[Anonymous]

In all other respects, she's a very nice person, but she has always enjoyed comparing our kids' academic achievements, grades, class selection, etc. We have grown very far apart because of this, but I do occasionally run into her and of course we have to then "catch up". It's all I can do to remain civil when she starts in on the whole comparing business, especially now that college decisions have come out. How can I politely change the subject the next time I see her?? I'm fine with my DC's college choice, but I know she's going to gleefully one-up me. I know I need to learn to not care, but I'm human and frankly, I do care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all other respects, she's a very nice person, but she has always enjoyed comparing our kids' academic achievements, grades, class selection, etc. We have grown very far apart because of this, but I do occasionally run into her and of course we have to then "catch up". It's all I can do to remain civil when she starts in on the whole comparing business, especially now that college decisions have come out. How can I politely change the subject the next time I see her?? I'm fine with my DC's college choice, but I know she's going to gleefully one-up me. I know I need to learn to not care, but I'm human and frankly, I do care.

Can you give an example of how she does this? How would the conversation likely go?

[Anonymous]

"Darcie has asked e go let her e the one to tell people." "you know, we stopped telling people - we really disliked how competitive people were getting. So what are your summer plans?"

[Anonymous]

You can't avoid telling her where your kid is going and then hearing from her where her kid is going. But you don't have to dwell on the conversation afterwards, and you can cut her short if she starts getting into the nitty-gritty details. Just say "I'm so glad this whole process is over and I can move on and focus on other things!" If you have to, pretend you get a call in your cell (pretend it's set to vibrate) and then use that as your exit.

Be happy you have eased her out of your life. She sounds annoying and insecure.

[Anonymous]

Another point of view, if she's not just fishing for information, she might consider you one of her closest friends or think that you have a special bond. She's excited to share the journey of motherhood. Does she share her bad news as well?

[Anonymous]

Sharing information about where your DC is going to school is one thing, but grades, SAT scores, acceptances/rejections, etc. is quite another. Asking about that is just plain nosy and doesn't deserve a response IMO.

Here's what I would say: "You know, as Larla has gotten older, we don't share so much information about her as this is all her personal information to share, and not ours. She is so excited to be going to X school!"

[Anonymous]

She hasn't made a final decision. What are you doing this summer? Any vacation plans?

[Anonymous]

When someone who does not know me well, and who I suspect is only on a comparison-fishing expedition, asks me where my DD was accepted to college, I happily reply "Cal State - Fullerton".

This is not actually true, and I have the utmost respect for the Cal State schools as my sister attended one, but it always succeeds in shutting down the conversation.

[Anonymous]

I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

[Anonymous]

It is very hard. People ask and you feel like you should say, Harvard!! People are sometimes so proud of themselves they do not think...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

I do not respond Cal State because I am in any way ashamed of where DD was accepted (as I mentioned, I would be proud if she attended any of the Cal States). Rather, I respond that way because real, genuine sharing and connecting is not asking me -- when speaking only rarely, or for the first or second time -- Where do you work? What do you do? Where do you live? Where do your children attend school? Where are your children interning this summer? What are your DD's grades and/or SAT scores? Where was your DD admitted to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

OP here; just wanted to say I don't assume this with other friends at all. Most of us have many other things to discuss and catch up on. But this one friend has a history of really wanting to know the details of my DC's life, including academic. Once she gets the info from me, she will immediately start the one upmanship game. And I am enthusiastic about where DC is headed in the fall, but that doesn't prevent me from dreading the inevitable with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all other respects, she's a very nice person, but she has always enjoyed comparing our kids' academic achievements, grades, class selection, etc. We have grown very far apart because of this, but I do occasionally run into her and of course we have to then "catch up". It's all I can do to remain civil when she starts in on the whole comparing business, especially now that college decisions have come out. How can I politely change the subject the next time I see her?? I'm fine with my DC's college choice, but I know she's going to gleefully one-up me. I know I need to learn to not care, but I'm human and frankly, I do care.

Can you give an example of how she does this? How would the conversation likely go?

Sure! Her: "So how's Joe doing in his senior year? Which APs did he take? What extra-curricular activities does he do?" Me -- short answer and then trying to deflect: "What about Xavier? What's he up to" Her: "Oh, well he won the Scholar/Athlete award and plays four varsity sports! He's been a member of NHS all four years and recently won an award for his extreme volunteerism! He was offered a full ride at UVA but turned it down to attend Yale. We thought he was crazy to pass up the full-ride, but really, you can't beat Yale!"

[Anonymous]

Say your DD got in to x, y, and z big name schools, but tell her you can't pay for them, stop talking at that point and stare at her, if she says anything just repeat the last few word she says.....or ask her for money. Either way you will be done with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

I absolutely agree!

OP, it could be that this friend is a really proud parent who wants to tell the world about her child's accomplishments and only asks about yours so as to not seem impolite. It may not be one upmanship at all.

I also agree that if you can't muster enthusiasm for your child's accomplishments that is something you need to work on. If you don't feel a sense of pride in where your child is going, DC likely won't either. My DC was accepted at pretty good schools but not an ivy or the most selective like WM and UVA. However, I speak of DC's college acceptances with pride. I also let DC know I'm impressed and thrilled as well. As a result, so is DC.

The college application process was much more involved and daunting than I thought it would be. I checked in with parents along the way just to share the journey. One parent's child did get into a school that's often mistaken for an ivy, but that didn't stop me from sharing news with her along the way. She cheered my child along the way and I was proud of hers too.

Yes, there are some things that are personal and should remain private family affairs, but college acceptances is not one. Your friend's questions are not intrusive at all.