What to do with a friend who constantly wants to compare her DC's college acceptances to yours?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's genuinely interested in your DD as well, in which case, say where she's going and say you're happy she's happy.

Maybe she just wants to gloat about her child's success, in which case let her. You don't have to gush, but try not to let your pity show. Because someone whose kid is 18 who still needs everyone to think her kid is the best and thinks that's a reasonable expectation? Is pitiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

Nope. It's bragging, plain and simple and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's genuinely interested in your DD as well, in which case, say where she's going and say you're happy she's happy.

Maybe she just wants to gloat about her child's success, in which case let her. You don't have to gush, but try not to let your pity show. Because someone whose kid is 18 who still needs everyone to think her kid is the best and thinks that's a reasonable expectation? Is pitiful.

Frankly, I wouldn't pity the parent whose child is making her proud at 18.

And I certainly wouldn't pity the parent for being proud.

It's the mother who can't feel proud of her child regardless of DC's accomplishments that I feel pity for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's genuinely interested in your DD as well, in which case, say where she's going and say you're happy she's happy.

Maybe she just wants to gloat about her child's success, in which case let her. You don't have to gush, but try not to let your pity show. Because someone whose kid is 18 who still needs everyone to think her kid is the best and thinks that's a reasonable expectation? Is pitiful.

Frankly, I wouldn't pity the parent whose child is making her proud at 18.

And I certainly wouldn't pity the parent for being proud.

It's the mother who can't feel proud of her child regardless of DC's accomplishments that I feel pity for.

I don't think anyone said they weren't proud of their DC's accomplishments. The problem is having to listen to someone else trying her best to overshadow those accomplishments with those of her own DC. I actually know several moms like that, and a couple of dads too. They just can't stand to hear about anyone else's child but their own. Extremely rude and pretty sad too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's genuinely interested in your DD as well, in which case, say where she's going and say you're happy she's happy.

Maybe she just wants to gloat about her child's success, in which case let her. You don't have to gush, but try not to let your pity show. Because someone whose kid is 18 who still needs everyone to think her kid is the best and thinks that's a reasonable expectation? Is pitiful.

Frankly, I wouldn't pity the parent whose child is making her proud at 18.

And I certainly wouldn't pity the parent for being proud.

It's the mother who can't feel proud of her child regardless of DC's accomplishments that I feel pity for.

I don't think anyone said they weren't proud of their DC's accomplishments. The problem is having to listen to someone else trying her best to overshadow those accomplishments with those of her own DC. I actually know several moms like that, and a couple of dads too. They just can't stand to hear about anyone else's child but their own. Extremely rude and pretty sad too.

REALLY????

Now if this is the case, that is indeed sad--particularly if they can't stand to hear about a child that's 'doing better' than theirs.

But I'm not sure that's the case in OP's situation. I have just never heard of a parent wondering what to say when asked about their child's acceptances because they believe the other child outshines theirs. In this case, the issue seems to be OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone who does not know me well, and who I suspect is only on a comparison-fishing expedition, asks me where my DD was accepted to college, I happily reply "Cal State - Fullerton".

This is not actually true, and I have the utmost respect for the Cal State schools as my sister attended one, but it always succeeds in shutting down the conversation.

This works every time. I always respond Alabama, with a big smile and great pride. It ends the conversation too, despite the fact that it is an excellent university in the south. No shame here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

[b]Nope. It's bragging, plain and simple and boring.

This. This. And more this.

When she she heads toward you, smile, grab your phone and say, "I'm so sorry, I've got something blowing up [at work] [at home] [at the junior league] and walk away deeply engrossed in whatever conversation on that phone you can pantomime. These kinds of folks were the same kind of unbearable when it was their SATs or final exams, we all knew those people then, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all other respects, she's a very nice person, but she has always enjoyed comparing our kids' academic achievements, grades, class selection, etc. We have grown very far apart because of this, but I do occasionally run into her and of course we have to then "catch up". It's all I can do to remain civil when she starts in on the whole comparing business, especially now that college decisions have come out. How can I politely change the subject the next time I see her?? I'm fine with my DC's college choice, but I know she's going to gleefully one-up me. I know I need to learn to not care, but I'm human and frankly, I do care.

Can you give an example of how she does this? How would the conversation likely go?

Sure! Her: "So how's Joe doing in his senior year? Which APs did he take? What extra-curricular activities does he do?" Me -- short answer and then trying to deflect: "What about Xavier? What's he up to" Her: "Oh, well he won the Scholar/Athlete award and plays four varsity sports! He's been a member of NHS all four years and recently won an award for his extreme volunteerism! He was offered a full ride at UVA but turned it down to attend Yale. We thought he was crazy to pass up the full-ride, but really, you can't beat Yale!"

LOL. You just have to feel sorry for someone who gets her ego boost from her kid's accomplishments and not her own.

Have you seen the hilarious Penelope skits on SNL? Kristen Wiig plays this character named Penelope who sounds just like your non-friend - constantly one-upping everyone she meets on every topic, to the point of absolute ridiculousness. Google it; they're hulu.com and great for a giggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a little odd if parents can't muster enthusiasm for where their child is going to school. Sort of seems like they'd have made peace with that.

Don't be so quick to assume with other parents that it's always one-man-upmanship. Life should be about sharing and connecting. If we all close ourselves off and are so self-protective, much of the joy gets sucked out of life.

[b]Nope. It's bragging, plain and simple and boring.

This. This. And more this.

When she she heads toward you, smile, grab your phone and say, "I'm so sorry, I've got something blowing up [at work] [at home] [at the junior league] and walk away deeply engrossed in whatever conversation on that phone you can pantomime. These kinds of folks were the same kind of unbearable when it was their SATs or final exams, we all knew those people then, too.

YES. OP here, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. To the PP who suggested I have a problem with hearing about kids who outshine my own, that's not what this is about at all. I love hearing about the accomplishments of my friends' kids. This *particular* person, however, will one-up every single thing that my child is doing, every time. Deliberately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all other respects, she's a very nice person, but she has always enjoyed comparing our kids' academic achievements, grades, class selection, etc. We have grown very far apart because of this, but I do occasionally run into her and of course we have to then "catch up". It's all I can do to remain civil when she starts in on the whole comparing business, especially now that college decisions have come out. How can I politely change the subject the next time I see her?? I'm fine with my DC's college choice, but I know she's going to gleefully one-up me. I know I need to learn to not care, but I'm human and frankly, I do care.

Can you give an example of how she does this? How would the conversation likely go?

Sure! Her: "So how's Joe doing in his senior year? Which APs did he take? What extra-curricular activities does he do?" Me -- short answer and then trying to deflect: "What about Xavier? What's he up to" Her: "Oh, well he won the Scholar/Athlete award and plays four varsity sports! He's been a member of NHS all four years and recently won an award for his extreme volunteerism! He was offered a full ride at UVA but turned it down to attend Yale. We thought he was crazy to pass up the full-ride, but really, you can't beat Yale!"

LOL. You just have to feel sorry for someone who gets her ego boost from her kid's accomplishments and not her own.

Have you seen the hilarious Penelope skits on SNL? Kristen Wiig plays this character named Penelope who sounds just like your non-friend - constantly one-upping everyone she meets on every topic, to the point of absolute ridiculousness. Google it; they're hulu.com and great for a giggle.

Exactly! She's Penelope!!

[Anonymous]

Cross the street when you see her. That's what we and our kids finally did with a super-competitive neighbor whose kids were applying to the same magnets and then colleges as ours.

It got to the point where she'd grill our kids at soccer practice if we, the parents, were vague and responsive. Our kids hated it as much as we did. We'd all joke about our attempts to dodge this person.

(To deflect any DCUM-style accusations of being ashamed, our kids got into all the magnets and the oldest is now at a great college.)

[Anonymous]

In my experience this type of behavior is a manifestation of insecurity that you find almost exclusively within ethnic groups that have been excluded at one time or another (basically everyone who isn't a WASP).

[Anonymous]

Tell your friend there's an amazing thread called "College Acceptances 2014" on DCUM and that she'd be at home there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience this type of behavior is a manifestation of insecurity that you find almost exclusively within ethnic groups that have been excluded at one time or another (basically everyone who isn't a WASP).

Hmm. I have found this to be exactly opposite of my experience. WASP parents are very much the one-uppers. And I'm a WASP, so I try to be cognizant of that and deflect any conversation that is headed in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your friend there's an amazing thread called "College Acceptances 2014" on DCUM and that she'd be at home there.

HA! Yes, so true.