elderly parents, sister has checked out

[Anonymous]

The title says it all. My parents are experiencing some health issues and my sister, after initially jumping to their rescue, is essentially bowing out of the effort. (Not calling, not visiting them.) I am very frustrated with her, but I realize that I need to let that go and just do what I can to help without expecting anything from her. Any advice/mantras/words of wisdom regarding letting go of expectations of siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title says it all. My parents are experiencing some health issues and my sister, after initially jumping to their rescue, is essentially bowing out of the effort. (Not calling, not visiting them.) I am very frustrated with her, but I realize that I need to let that go and just do what I can to help without expecting anything from her. Any advice/mantras/words of wisdom regarding letting go of expectations of siblings?

I can only give you my perspective. When my dad was diagnosed with a serious, life changing, debilitating health condition, I was the one who jumped to the rescue. Unfortunately, the diagnosis made my dad angry and he wasn't very nice to anyone (understandable, but at the time it was draining). My mom took her stress out on me and was cruel and mean. I burned out. Every time my mom called, I ended up in tears. I had physical manifestations of stress when going to their house. Eventually DH told me I had to bow out a bit because I couldn't put myself through it.

My brother, on the other hand, got it easy. My mom was nothing but sweet and kind to him, and he had an amazing ability to just brush off my dad's anger.

Anyways, I now help out but at much less than I did before. My dad has returned to his old self and other than some bouts of depression, he is handling the disease quite well. My mom still uses the excuse of the stress of his disease to be mean to me, but through therapy I've learned to let it go.

My point is unless you are with your sister 24/7, you have no idea what shes going through. She could be burnt out, she could be struggling to come to terms with your parents' mortality. Maybe try talking to her to see if she's ok/how she's handling things vs being mad that she's not stepping up like she used to.

[Anonymous]

I was the sister who checked out. I was there for 10+ years and handled everything. I helped with all of my mom's healthcare and doctor's appointment and care, and she needed a LOT. She had a deteriorating condition and was hospitalized every 3 months or so. She had many trips to the emergency room. She had many days when she could not care for herself and someone needed to care for her or just be there to make sure she didn't double dose a painkiller or get loopy and start breaking windows with her cane. (Both of which happened.) I helped manager her finance. When she was healthy and not in crisis, I checked on her every 2-3 days. I made sure that she got of the house and got some social time and some exercise when she was able to handle it.

When my little brother came home from grad school and moved in with her, I handed 98% of the care off to him. He's very bitter about me "abandoning" my mother, but I did everything for more than 10 years and had two toddlers on top of it. He only had 18 months before she died. The death was sudden (car accident) and didn't involve a great deal of extra care on his part.

There's two sides to every sibling story.

[Anonymous]

I've also checked out. I love my parents, but caring for them destroyed my own health. I am just now beginning to be able to make it back physically to where I was. My brother and a cousin picked up the slack. I am a sympathetic ear, but I can't do the heavy lifting anymore. I have 2 kids who need me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Food for thought. I won't get into the details of our situation, but my parents' needs are much less intense than those described in these responses. Nevertheless, I understand that she might be burnt out and/or fearful of their mortality.

PPs, can you comment on how these experiences impacted your relationships with your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Food for thought. I won't get into the details of our situation, but my parents' needs are much less intense than those described in these responses. Nevertheless, I understand that she might be burnt out and/or fearful of their mortality.

PPs, can you comment on how these experiences impacted your relationships with your siblings?

I'm the first poster. At first I resented my brother for not helping out as much as I was/not bearing the brunt of my parent's attitudes. But he was incredibly appreciative of all I was doing and when I told him I needed to take a break, he was supportive and said he'd step up/help me however I could. I never did tell him how mean my mother was/is to me because I didn't want to make him feel bad or think less of our mom.

Honestly, if my brother acted like how you appear to want to act, it probably would have destroyed our relationship.

[Anonymous]

My husband's brother checked out completely and would not call or visit their mom. He was the only one nearby. We ended up moving my MIL to this area to get her the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm just heading into this phase. My mom is set to be discharged tomorrow from a second stint in rehab following a stroke. My dad is the primary caregiver but he is 7 years post his own stroke. My brother lives 40 minutes away, I'm about 90 minutes. My brother and I have been talking daily, equally sharing the load for the past 3 months. But it has already taken a toll on me, my brother, and our wives. My dad is holding up okay but I know the stress is getting to him.

Right now, I feel like crying as I type this. I don't know how we're going to adjust to these changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Food for thought. I won't get into the details of our situation, but my parents' needs are much less intense than those described in these responses. Nevertheless, I understand that she might be burnt out and/or fearful of their mortality.

PPs, can you comment on how these experiences impacted your relationships with your siblings?

I'm the first poster. At first I resented my brother for not helping out as much as I was/not bearing the brunt of my parent's attitudes. But he was incredibly appreciative of all I was doing and when I told him I needed to take a break, he was supportive and said he'd step up/help me however I could. I never did tell him how mean my mother was/is to me because I didn't want to make him feel bad or think less of our mom.

Honestly, if my brother acted like how you appear to want to act, it probably would have destroyed our relationship.

OP here. Whatever you read into my reaction, it is definitely more complicated that you assume. My sister has a history of not playing nice with people (husbands, boyfriends, coworkers, family members). Suffice it to say, she is not a talk-it-out type.

[Anonymous]

My parents have had only marginal issues - nothing substantial. My mother has required a fair amount, but we've gotten her into an assisted living environment - a very good one - so that burden isn't so terrible for any of us. My ex wife and her brother had many arguments over their parents during the long period of decline. Here's my take on much of this "checked out" stuff: The siblings disagree fundamentally about how the care should be handled.

For every "checked out" sibling, there is another who is going overboard, being a busybody, and making a personal martyrdom out of filial duty. And they get resentful and pissed when nobody else will join them in the hair shirt. I have no problem with anyone deciding to go on a mission, but you do it on your own time and energy.

In keeping with that, my advice for the OP for getting over it is this: worry about your own relationship with your parents. Don't worry about your sibling's. Your sibling and your parent(s) are adults, and their relationship - whatever disappointment or source of unhappiness it is for either of them - is their business, their "problem" to fix, not yours. The power to "fix" it is only in their hands and hearts, not yours. Worry about your own life and relationships, not other people's. This applies to far more than just parental care.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like sis has been hurt in some way, thus backing off. I would focus on that. Maybe Mom has slighted her, or sis feels slighted. Just because people are old doesn't mean they are nicer or different - they old family dynamics are still there and are intensified. Is sis being treated equitably by sibling? Realize too that the rhythm for some people may mean that have to recharge and cycle back-in to being helpful when they are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just heading into this phase. My mom is set to be discharged tomorrow from a second stint in rehab following a stroke. My dad is the primary caregiver but he is 7 years post his own stroke. My brother lives 40 minutes away, I'm about 90 minutes. My brother and I have been talking daily, equally sharing the load for the past 3 months. But it has already taken a toll on me, my brother, and our wives. My dad is holding up okay but I know the stress is getting to him.

Right now, I feel like crying as I type this. I don't know how we're going to adjust to these changes.

How old are they? Do they have any long term care insurance? Do they have funds that could be used for a part time nurses aide? It is well worth the money to get part time help. Don't wait until you're burned out. I can relate to the poster who said that caring for a parent was taking a toll on their own health, especially if you are also taking care of your own children. It really can be that demanding. My mother did not want a nurses aide, but once I hired the aide, my mother was very happy with the arrangement. At some point you may need to overrule your parents wishes in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just heading into this phase. My mom is set to be discharged tomorrow from a second stint in rehab following a stroke. My dad is the primary caregiver but he is 7 years post his own stroke. My brother lives 40 minutes away, I'm about 90 minutes. My brother and I have been talking daily, equally sharing the load for the past 3 months. But it has already taken a toll on me, my brother, and our wives. My dad is holding up okay but I know the stress is getting to him.

Right now, I feel like crying as I type this. I don't know how we're going to adjust to these changes.

How old are they? Do they have any long term care insurance? Do they have funds that could be used for a part time nurses aide? It is well worth the money to get part time help. Don't wait until you're burned out. I can relate to the poster who said that caring for a parent was taking a toll on their own health, especially if you are also taking care of your own children. It really can be that demanding. My mother did not want a nurses aide, but once I hired the aide, my mother was very happy with the arrangement. At some point you may need to overrule your parents wishes in that regard.

They're 71 and 72. We're setting up in-home help, respite visits twice a week from their church, and they're connected with a social worker who will help them with services. We're getting help, its just very stressful watching my mother age so quickly, right before my eyes. My mother said this weekend that she has accepted that she'll never be able to drive again. I think we've taken good steps so far, its just the unknown and daily worrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just heading into this phase. My mom is set to be discharged tomorrow from a second stint in rehab following a stroke. My dad is the primary caregiver but he is 7 years post his own stroke. My brother lives 40 minutes away, I'm about 90 minutes. My brother and I have been talking daily, equally sharing the load for the past 3 months. But it has already taken a toll on me, my brother, and our wives. My dad is holding up okay but I know the stress is getting to him.

Right now, I feel like crying as I type this. I don't know how we're going to adjust to these changes.

How old are they? Do they have any long term care insurance? Do they have funds that could be used for a part time nurses aide? It is well worth the money to get part time help. Don't wait until you're burned out. I can relate to the poster who said that caring for a parent was taking a toll on their own health, especially if you are also taking care of your own children. It really can be that demanding. My mother did not want a nurses aide, but once I hired the aide, my mother was very happy with the arrangement. At some point you may need to overrule your parents wishes in that regard.

They're 71 and 72. We're setting up in-home help, respite visits twice a week from their church, and they're connected with a social worker who will help them with services. We're getting help, its just very stressful watching my mother age so quickly, right before my eyes. My mother said this weekend that she has accepted that she'll never be able to drive again. I think we've taken good steps so far, its just the unknown and daily worrying.

OP here. Sorry you're going through this PP. It's not easy, and things can change so quickly. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have had only marginal issues - nothing substantial. My mother has required a fair amount, but we've gotten her into an assisted living environment - a very good one - so that burden isn't so terrible for any of us. My ex wife and her brother had many arguments over their parents during the long period of decline. Here's my take on much of this "checked out" stuff: The siblings disagree fundamentally about how the care should be handled.

For every "checked out" sibling, there is another who is going overboard, being a busybody, and making a personal martyrdom out of filial duty. And they get resentful and pissed when nobody else will join them in the hair shirt. I have no problem with anyone deciding to go on a mission, but you do it on your own time and energy.

In keeping with that, my advice for the OP for getting over it is this: worry about your own relationship with your parents. Don't worry about your sibling's. Your sibling and your parent(s) are adults, and their relationship - whatever disappointment or source of unhappiness it is for either of them - is their business, their "problem" to fix, not yours. The power to "fix" it is only in their hands and hearts, not yours. Worry about your own life and relationships, not other people's. This applies to far more than just parental care.

+1

While it's possible that the other sibling really just doesn't care or isn't willing to put in any effort, it's also possible that one sibling is being a martyr/going overboard and expecting everyone to join them, or wants to do something that the other siblings don't agree with.