Are my DD's bf's parents racist? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I am a proud black mother of one 16 yo girl and one 13 yo boy. My husband is white. My daughter recently started dating a wonderful young boy who I think is great! I am very happy for them and he introduced my husband and I to his parents the other day. During dinner, his mother completely ignored me and only spoke to my husband. His father mentioned all his "dark skinned friends" and explained where he was from there "weren't many coloreds, oops, African-Americans." When his mother walked us to the door after dinner she said she was "uneasy in the beginning, but liked (DD) and was surprised how great she was." I was mostly silent the entire time but left as soon as I could.

After dinner the young boy walked outside and apologized profusely for his parents. He said their behavior was unacceptable and he saidhe did not share their views whatsoever. I believe him and his apology was sincere. My daughter has mentioned that his parents were conservative and she also said he dislikes them very much and disagrees with them on almost everything.

I like the young man and my daughter is very happy with him. I am uncomfortable around his parents, and I am not sure if I am comfortable with them being around my daughter. However, I do not want to punish him for his parents. What should I do? What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Hmm since the young man seems very aware of the situation and apologetic, I would let them be for now. Should your child get super serious with him down the line, I would really talk to her about how when you marry someone, you are marrying into the family. For now I would just discourage her from doing things with his family - minimize these types of family dinners.

[Anonymous]

I have biracial kids. I would be so upset if this happened to me. I guess since they are young, just let it go. If they were to start talking marriage, then there would be bigger issues, and I'd have a serious chat with both of them. Just make sure that the boy REALLY doesn't share his parents views. Could be lurking underneath and come out during a nasty fight. Oi vay! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

She's 16. The odds are in your favor that this relationship won't last or turn into marriage. Review proper birth control methods, and don't interact with the parents again.

Make sure she feels she can talk to you about upsetting things she may hear his parents say when she's at his house, without feeling like youll use them to pressure her to break up, or get into a whole big speech about the parents.

[Anonymous]

If the story was reversed would you be as surprised.

If it was a white boy going to a black girls house and the black parents only had black friends. If the blavk parents were surprised how nice the white boy was ... Would it be different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the story was reversed would you be as surprised.

If it was a white boy going to a black girls house and the black parents only had black friends. If the blavk parents were surprised how nice the white boy was ... Would it be different?

yeah, actually it would. regret your lack of history precludes understanding that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 16. The odds are in your favor that this relationship won't last or turn into marriage. Review proper birth control methods, and don't interact with the parents again.

Make sure she feels she can talk to you about upsetting things she may hear his parents say when she's at his house, without feeling like youll use them to pressure her to break up, or get into a whole big speech about the parents.

OP, I think this is very good advice here. You don't want your DD to feel she does not have someone to turn to in times of need. Sounds like you have positive feelings about the son. If anything, your open attitude towards the son may quell the racist attitudes in his family in his parents' generation.

That said, their conduct was despicable and completely understandable how upsetting this would be.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, so awkward! I'm sorry, OP. My mother's family would perhaps have behaved like this boy's parents.

The thing is, that type of people might readily accept your child, and yourself, into their family if these kids were to get married. You two personally, as individuals, might be loved and valued. However, you would be constantly hearing more or less racist comments about the Black community as a whole, for ever.

My father is Japanese. In my mother's family, and at the time they got married, it was probably one of the least-shocking non-white ethnicity in their world view. However some people didn't speak to her or her husband for years, not because of hate but fear of the unknown. When they did they were extravagantly polite. They couldn't figure out how to interact with someone who did not share their culture or language. My parents have been married for more than 30 years and finally everyone is now comfortable with each other!

So, unless these children stay madly in love, not a good idea to pursue the relationship...

[Anonymous]

Why on earth are you eating dinner with parents of a 16yr old casually dating. That is weird. I would just never see them again and let the kids go out. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Here's my take. Growing up, I had a number of boyfriends and friends whose parents exposed me, for the first time, to the notion that Jews (and Catholics) as well were thought of in similar terms to the parents of your young daughter's boyfriend. Simply as "other" and there were overly gracious sentiments of "I have Jewish friends at work, they are lovely," "I really like my Jewish boss, he is so ambitious" -- that sort of thing. It made me realize for the first time that prejudice could be insidious as well as outright. A learning experience. I would talk to your daughter about what she thought of Larlo's parents. I would not put her on the defensive because you don't want a Romeo and Juliet syndrome here. And she is 16. Relationships don't last at that age. Let this be a learning experience for her. Encourage her to talk to you, and to always stand up for herself. Her boyfriend sounds fantastic and very mature.

[Anonymous]

Her boyfriend sounds very mature and ready to handle his nitwit parents. Your daughter has picked well, and I think that reflects well on how you guys have raised her. She could be dating real creeps and cowards.

Agree that it's likely not the relationship of a lifetime, since they are young, but you never know. And his parents might learn a thing or two and be more bearable moving forward.

Very sorry all of you had to go through that. Maybe you won't have to run into them too much from now on. Although unlike PP, I think it's great you met his parents. Casual dating or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the story was reversed would you be as surprised.

If it was a white boy going to a black girls house and the black parents only had black friends. If the blavk parents were surprised how nice the white boy was ... Would it be different?

Is there some advice here or answer to the OPs question? What if OP was Asian or Indian or vice versa? You are not helpful AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you eating dinner with parents of a 16yr old casually dating. That is weird. I would just never see them again and let the kids go out. No big deal.

Bingo! Seriously.... It's VERY weird. To invite the bf over for dinner is one thing but his parents too? They are 16... Not 32. Also, I'm biracial and you have to shake stuff like this off. You can't change peoples views. I think they felt awkward too and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 16. The odds are in your favor that this relationship won't last or turn into marriage. Review proper birth control methods, and don't interact with the parents again.

Make sure she feels she can talk to you about upsetting things she may hear his parents say when she's at his house, without feeling like youll use them to pressure her to break up, or get into a whole big speech about the parents.

I would also tell her that in a long term relationship, his parents' attitudes will matter a lot and that is something she needs to think about going forward with this guy or with any other guy that she dates. Talk about how a MIL and FIL can make their DIL miserable.

They could grow up and learn something, though. They sound like they are trying. My grandma had a 4th grade education and was raised to be deeply racist. She grew up in rural Arkansas. Her husband (my grandpa) was in the Klan during the Civil Rights movement. She felt free to be casually racist right up to the point that my cousin got pregnant by a black guy. When the baby was born, Grandma had a change of heart. She was deeply devoted to family and "MINE" overwhelmed any other issue. She told off every single redneck member of our family. If they had something to say about that baby or the baby's mother, they weren't welcome at Grandma's house anymore. She told all her daughters and sisters and daughters-in-law to settle their husbands down, too.

People change, even old ladies born in 1922 in rural Arkansas. I'm not recommending that you or your daughter stick around to be a one woman change movement, but the world has changed and will keep changing. History is on the side of the righteous on this issue. Maybe that kid's parents will change, too, at least a little. They sound like they are trying, but are deeply uncomfortable. Change is HARD.

Tell your daughter to be kind and know that she's perfect just the way she is. If they can't see it, well, that's their problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you eating dinner with parents of a 16yr old casually dating. That is weird. I would just never see them again and let the kids go out. No big deal.

Bingo! Seriously.... It's VERY weird. To invite the bf over for dinner is one thing but his parents too? They are 16... Not 32. Also, I'm biracial and you have to shake stuff like this off. You can't change peoples views. I think they felt awkward too and that's fine.

I don't think it's weird. If the kids are dating, or friends, it's helpful for the parents to know each other a little. That way they can check stories and get on the same page for decisions. "Did you tell Johnny that a hotel room for prom night was acceptable? No? Good. I'm telling Susie the same thing."