After 20 years, my Mothers absence only more obvious

[Anonymous]

There is a way that you can become accustomed to the fact that someone close to you has died. I've known for a long time that my mother's death was a great loss. It was excruciating for me personally, as we were very close. I am also an only child, so, quite literally, noone felt as I did. Including my father, who moved on in a way that was, and continues to be, odd and painful, although I do understand many things about why he did things as he did. I have forgiven him completely. But, sadly, its not over.

My father has married someone who controls all his time, and he is not allowed to come see me and his only granddaughter. This is a fact long ago established, and now its been overgrown with a lot of denial on his part, and has taken the form of him not showing any real interest in spending time my daughter, now 7 1/2.

Sadly, she can tell he is not connecting with her, but I know he feels love for her, in his way. Its just all shut down and closed in. And controlled.

Aside from that, there is also the great person my mother was AND WOULD BE to my daughter. Quite literally everyone, including my husband, and some of our close friends, would be better off if my mother was around. She was kind, interesting, challenging. And she would have showered my daughter with love, her artistry, her many talents, and true friendship. My husbands parents long ago made the choice to spend all their efforts on his selfish younger sisters three kids. So they dont offer up much in the way of showing real interested caring for my daughter either.

So I found myself, on the 20th anniversary of my mother's death, to be keenly aware of her being a missing person. There is a space where she belongs and is missing from. And I can actually feel it in a new way. The ramifications of her absence have reverberations that are reaching to new places which are impossible to deny. There is the simple idea that, if she was alive, I would be visiting with her right now. But really, its what my daughter was denied, and what my mother was also denied by never knowing her either that

I'm posting this to just share with others this particular place I am navigating. I know I am far from alone! I definitely know loss to be a lifelong journey. In five years, I will have been without my mother for as many years as I was with her. That is kind of blowing my mind. And making me very sad. Anyway, I know I won't stay in this place all day. But here I am.

[Anonymous]

Oops typo:. This was supposed to read:

But really, its what my daughter was denied, and what my mother was also denied by never knowing her either that bothers me the most.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your loss OP. I haven't lost a parent so I can't pretend to know or understand how you are feeling, but we just had the anniversary of the loss of my father in law. My son knew him but was only one when he died. My daughter never got to meet him, nor will my future children, and that is hard. Hugs to you on this sad day.

[Anonymous]

I understand that you are saddened by your loss but you are only making it worse by imagining what might have been. Are you sure you're not making your mom out to be even more of a saint that she was? (You say your husband's live would be even better if your mom was around. What's that all about?)

It's sad that your IL aren't paying attention to you or your child. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's you.

Regardless, not everyone has their parents around and not everyone has parents who are great at being grandparents. Focus on your nuclear family and stay in the present, not the past. Perhaps you can honor your mom by sharing or doing something with your daughter. Maybe she loved to garden, so you could plant a special plant in her memory with your daughter. Something along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[b]I understand that you are saddened by your loss but you are only making it worse by imagining what might have been. Are you sure you're not making your mom out to be even more of a saint that she was? (You say your husband's live would be even better if your mom was around. What's that all about?)

It's sad that your IL aren't paying attention to you or your child. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's you.

Regardless, not everyone has their parents around and not everyone has parents who are great at being grandparents. Focus on your nuclear family and stay in the present, not the past. Perhaps you can honor your mom by sharing or doing something with your daughter. Maybe she loved to garden, so you could plant a special plant in her memory with your daughter. Something along those lines.

NP here. I understand exactly what she is saying because I have been lucky enough to have such a mother. She doted on my children, as she did with all her grandchildren. My DH said that she could live with us if she wanted because she made his life easier by being there for me, the kids, cooking and taking care of whatever needed to be done with grace and humor. OP, I appreciate your post very much because my 7 year old niece just lost her mother and my SIL was that kind of mom too. This Mother's Day is going to be very difficult.

[Anonymous]

My mother died about 40 years ago, and it also hit me very hard after I had kids that she left them too. My kids know that my mom would have loved them so much if she was still here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you are saddened by your loss but you are only making it worse by imagining what might have been. Are you sure you're not making your mom out to be even more of a saint that she was? (You say your husband's live would be even better if your mom was around. What's that all about?)

It's sad that your IL aren't paying attention to you or your child. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's you.

Regardless, not everyone has their parents around and not everyone has parents who are great at being grandparents. Focus on your nuclear family and stay in the present, not the past. Perhaps you can honor your mom by sharing or doing something with your daughter. Maybe she loved to garden, so you could plant a special plant in her memory with your daughter. Something along those lines.

Thanks for your empathy.

I am not making anything worse. I am acknowledging what is. THere are things that simply are as they are, and are not the result of what we make them out to be. Why would my mother have to have been a "saint" to have positively touched everyone's life? Thats what "thats all about". A person brings unique qualities to a family, and her unique qualities were such that the benefit of her remaining alive would have been a net gain.

My daughter and I do already actively garden in my mothers spirit. I have lots to ways I share my mother with my daughter. So that was a good idea and in fact one my therapist recommended long ago.

I certainly did not post because I thought my problems were in any way unique. Quite the opposite. I notice many people alienated in those moments where thier grief resurfaces because people around them think its some kind of failure to be positive or something that needs to be fixed. Its not. I dont feel sorry for myself. I can certainly handle this pain. I am just processing the loss of this person anew. Its natural, but its not always acknowledged publicly. I chose to acknowledge it publicly so others in similar situations would feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[b]I understand that you are saddened by your loss but you are only making it worse by imagining what might have been. Are you sure you're not making your mom out to be even more of a saint that she was? (You say your husband's live would be even better if your mom was around. What's that all about?)

It's sad that your IL aren't paying attention to you or your child. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's you.

Regardless, not everyone has their parents around and not everyone has parents who are great at being grandparents. Focus on your nuclear family and stay in the present, not the past. Perhaps you can honor your mom by sharing or doing something with your daughter. Maybe she loved to garden, so you could plant a special plant in her memory with your daughter. Something along those lines.

NP here. I understand exactly what she is saying because I have been lucky enough to have such a mother. She doted on my children, as she did with all her grandchildren. My DH said that she could live with us if she wanted because she made his life easier by being there for me, the kids, cooking and taking care of whatever needed to be done with grace and humor. OP, I appreciate your post very much because my 7 year old niece just lost her mother and my SIL was that kind of mom too. This Mother's Day is going to be very difficult.

OP here- I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your SIL. I have a friend who recently passed and left behind an eight year old son.... I was super lucky to have had my mother until I was an adult! I hope my daughter wll be able to say the same.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest grief counseling for you.

The bit about what your mother might have been isn't helping you. You don't know what she might have been. If my mom had died 20 years before she did, I would have had a completely different opinion of her. If she had died 10 years before she did, then I would have had another opinion of her.

But she died in her 80's. In her 60's she started only paying attention to my sister who became mentally ill, in her 70's she had a stroke and I all of a sudden had to take care of someone who had not cared for me in a long time.

You don't know what your mother would have become, it could have been wonderful, or it could be she would have had a debilitating illness for many year that you had a hard time dealing with.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written most of your post myself. I too am an only child. I too lost my mother (now, 18 years ago.) I too have been feeling her absence more profoundly very recently. I too feel cheated, feel my children and husband were cheated, and believe our lives would so much richer with my mother here. Just today, my 3 year old ask where my mother was. Though he cannot really comprehend, even he notices a void. I have no great words of advice but I wanted you to know that someone else truly understands.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's been almost 28 years for me. I was only 18 when she died. This past fall we coincidentally moved to a town a few miles from where she is buried. On Sunday I put a song on in the car that always reminds me of her, and at that moment I realized we were about to drive past the cemetery, past the exact spot where she is. I broke down crying (luckily dh was driving!). The pain can be really fresh, even this many years later. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest grief counseling for you.

The bit about what your mother might have been isn't helping you. You don't know what she might have been. If my mom had died 20 years before she did, I would have had a completely different opinion of her. If she had died 10 years before she did, then I would have had another opinion of her.

But she died in her 80's. In her 60's she started only paying attention to my sister who became mentally ill, in her 70's she had a stroke and I all of a sudden had to take care of someone who had not cared for me in a long time.

You don't know what your mother would have become, it could have been wonderful, or it could be she would have had a debilitating illness for many year that you had a hard time dealing with.

PP, I think YOU are the one who needs counseling, not OP. Projecting much?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the kind responses, especially from people who get it.

I am feeling a bit sorry for the people who posted that seem to feel a need to find something to fix here, after making some very large assumptions. Both are completely unnecessary.

For example:

<The bit about what your mother might have been isn't helping you.>

here is what I said : But really, its what my daughter was denied, and what my mother was also denied by never knowing her either that bothers me the most.

I did not say anything about what my mother might have been. I am speaking about what my mother was cheated out of by not knowing my daughter, and vice versa.

I dont need "help" or grief counseling for feeling this way. Its just a fact. My mother never knew my daughter, and vice versa, and thats a real shame.

But this kind of knee jerk reaction to grief as being a big problem is another very real problem. I remember my therapist talking about this, about how our society often fails us in this regard. By me speaking openly about an aspect of grief, comments are coming in about how I am not helping myself, or I need to seek grief counseling or I need to be reminded that not everyone has parents around.

WHereas the people who say they have been through that know there is no fix and just empathize. Which is way more than a person in my situation ever expects, but its nice when it happens. So thank you for those who did.

There are problems that cant be fixed and problems that dont need fixing. Its really ok to feel cheated when someone dies. Its not a good way to feel most of the time, and luckily I did not. But I think we should never treat a person who is recalling and re-experiencing a loss as if they need to not do that.

Again, I posted exactly for this reason. To let people know it is ok to feel this way. It doesnt feel great, but it happens. Its happening to me, and its honest. And I am not falling apart. Im actually enjoying this rain we have going on out there.

[Anonymous]

OP,

i know exactly where you're coming from. My mom died almost 13 yrs ago, and there's a huge hole there that has become particularly acute at times now that I am a mother myself (one 2.5 yr old DD, and a soon to arrive son--6 days til scheduled delivery). She never got to see any of her kids get married or a single grand kid but she loved children. She had always said that she would help take of my kids (I'm the only daughter--two brothers).

As for my dad, he also moved on w/ a new wife. Fortunately, he lives overseas so I haven't had to interact too much w/ that. But he similarly he has been uninvolved.

What makes it even more painful is that my MIL is a very cold woman and she gets to be the only grandma that my children will know. Upon meeting our DD at 6 weeks she immediately announced that she would not change a single diaper. We had never asked her to, but I have to tell you that it felt like such a huge slap in the face.

[Anonymous]

OP, take what you need from this thread and stop worrying about defending yourself or your feelings to the grumpy people who stop by. You're wasting your time and energy.

We lost my MIL 8 years ago and I miss her every day. She was an incredible Grandma to her first 12 grandchildren who all remember her; my boys were the only ones to miss out on knowing her (one was 6 months when she died and the other was yet to be conceived). She would have adored them. She would have seen them for who they were and loved them truly. I know because that's how she was with me. I miss her a lot.

Thinking of you and your Mom and your daughter.