After 20 years, my Mothers absence only more obvious

[Anonymous]

OP I have dud parents and I can relate to your posting in the sense of what I wished for I couldn't have either. I think your OP was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

OP I just read your sad and beautiful post. It is such a tribute to your mom and your relationship together, the love you share.

As you say, nothing can fill that absence, but it is you who can now create that loving family with your daughter, and your mom showed you how. All those wonderful things you miss, you can bring into your relationships, you can role model be and demonstrate. I bet you already do.

Life is like a spiritual art work, full of love that we create and demonstrate with each other.

My mom has always been absent. We have NO relationship as you experienced with your mom, and never have had one to lose. Can you imagine? I can't. I lived and live it, and can barely relate to my own poverty of experience. It is actually so big that I can't grasp it. But my relationship with my daughter is so amazing! She is small but she loves me intensely and I am so committed to coming through for her. Our time together is NOW. Let's seize it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am someone who gets it.

My mother passed away when I was 14 and I'm 52 now. I've raised three children without my mom, including my youngest daughter who is now the very age I was when my mom died. I could have written much of your post, especially the parts about your dad moving on, remarrying and feeling alone with your experience. It is hard. I have a great life -- great husband and kids, a rewarding career helping others, and good friends. Still, the loss I feel never fully goes away. I've been to therapy (I am a therapist myself) and I've come to understand my loss and it's impact on me. It isn't all bad. I am a more caring and sensitive person for having gone through my mother's early death. While I wish the loss hadn't happened I see this as a silver lining.

Wishing you peace and much joy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I am sorry your father is not a bigger part of your life, as is the case with mine. But also, I want for you to put a lot of the blame on him. He is a free person, with free will, and he has chosen - EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to let this new bitch decide how he spends his time, and to mostly ignore you.

After you come to grips with that, I want for you to let him go almost completely. Like, ok, he's basically not in your life. But you have your own life - a DH and DD. So F him. His loss. Not yours obviously, because what he is doing is selfish and shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. I am sorry your father is not a bigger part of your life, as is the case with mine. But also, I want for you to put a lot of the blame on him. He is a free person, with free will, and he has chosen - EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to let this new bitch decide how he spends his time, and to mostly ignore you.

After you come to grips with that, I want for you to let him go almost completely. Like, ok, he's basically not in your life. But you have your own life - a DH and DD. So F him. His loss. Not yours obviously, because what he is doing is selfish and shitty.

Not the OP, but I have a similar family dynamic. Here's the thing -- many fathers,, especially from the older generation, just don't know how to express feelings and foster family connection. Sadly, these men often allow their wives to call the shots when it comes to family. I know that when it comes to my dad, he pretty much checked out and abdicated the role to our stepmom after our mother died. He meant well and so did my stepmom, I think. The fact is, though, that she preferenced spending time with her own kids and my dad did nothing to counterbalance the situation. He went along for the ride, and in the process he missed out on rewarding relationships with his children and grandchildren. A year or two ago my stepmother died. Interestingly, my dad, now in his 80's, is making an effort to reconnect with us, his children. It is a welcome turn of events, but I really wish it hadn't come so late in the game. There's no way to get back the time that was lost. Also, there's no way to undo the pain his emotional distance caused us after our mother's death. It is what it is. At least he's trying now.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need counseling - at this point just general counseling - so that you can accept and move on both that your mother is gone and that your dad while still living is for the most part gone from your life.

I say this as someone who has lost both parents. My dad - 30 years ago and my mom - 20 years ago.

Also, I have found that many, many times, that in death we often glorify people so that our memories are only the best and that we fail to really remember them as they were. So I will echo what the PP said, you really don't know how your mother would have been and what part she would have played in your DD's life. What if your parents had divorced and she became biter? What if your parents choose to travel extensively or moved away somewhere to retire? It's easy to say "that would never happen" because of course it can now never happen but the truth if, had your mom lived, you can't really say what she would or would not have done.

Yes, there are always moments of sadness here and there but it's been a long time and being consumed with what could have been or might have been isn't healthy. I do sometimes look at some of the nasty older women I know and very unkindly think "why them? why are they still here when they seem to hate their life yet my mom who loved life is gone?" And there are times when I lament that my dad isn't here and how much he would have enjoyed my kids.