How do you every fully trust

[Anonymous]

So many posts about cheating and cheaters and people being shocked to learn of infidelity. Just wondering how anyone ever fully trusts. I really thought I did... but with the advent of smartphones and multiple email addresses I am finding it difficult lately. Prior to DH, I was in 2 serious long term relationships and both ended with my partner being unfaithful in ways I completely didn't see coming. I used to always feel secure in my relationship just knowing I could easily check internet history, email, or his phone (although I think I can count on one hand the number of times I did this without him knowing - married 10 years). But lately, his phone is always in his pocket, he has many work email addresses, and he's up later than me pretty much every night. So even if I wanted to check up on things, there really is no way to do so completely. We have 2 young children and are stressed out in many ways, so our relationship and sex life are not getting the attention they used to get. I'm starting to get uneasy in the trust area and feeling a huge disconnect with DH, who it seems is always on his phone or computer when he is home - which doesn't feel like much of the time. I hate feeling this way and have talked to him about it and it does get better for a few weeks and then it goes right back to the disconnect again. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Have you had an honest discussion with him about how you feel about the marriage?

[Anonymous]

No advice, sorry, but I have an interesting "trust" situation. I cheat. I've cheated many times, never been caught. And yet, I completely and totally trust DH. I would never trust the other men, lol, I know what they're capable of. But DH is completely sincere, I've never known him to lie to me or anyone else about anything, and I completely trust him.

Oh, and he would have opportunity if he wanted to - lots of work trips that he can't tell me much about, several female friends and coworkers. I still trust him 100%.

[Anonymous]

OP, talk to him about your relationship in the fact that you're both stressed, not putting effort into the marriage/sex life, etc. DO NOT bring up that you're worried about him cheating.

I guess to me it sounds like you're having a rough spot in the marriage and are therefore overthinking the whole cheating thing. Just work on the parts ofyour marriage that need approving and I bet your distrust will go away.

[Anonymous]

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

OP, the reality is, how well do we ever really know another person?

[Anonymous]

Worrying about cheating? After reading all these posts about women leaving their husbands and the ex being heartbroken, I'm more concerned about my wife telling me she's going. I try to be the best husband and father possible, but it's like an epidemic!

[Anonymous]

The reality is, you can never, ever, know a person 100%. Look at all these serial killers and rapists where were wonderful, loving family men. I dont' think you can ever trust someone else 100%. Everyone has another side, and the people with the most evil other sides are usually the best at hiding them.

[Anonymous]

You fully trust until it's broken. Then it feels like you can never trust again. A cheated on DW.

[Anonymous]

You never discussed your trust issues/cheating exes with DH? That was one of the first things I discussed with my DH, and it was a relative that cheated. I told him that I would never cheat and if he did, it was over. A few months later, he proposed. I trust him as he has never done anything to void that trust. YOu need to talk to DH about your decreasing sex life. Could be he's busy and stressed, but I know most men would still want sex as long as DW is willing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These are some great replies. I did discuss the cheating issues when we first started dating, and brought them up again recently. When we have these discussions, he does make an effort for a couple weeks to not be so connected to his devices and to go to bed with me... but then eventually starts getting bad about it again. We're leaving for a road trip tomorrow to visit our families so I think I'll use the time the kids are sleeping to try and bring things up again. Thanks all!

[Anonymous]

How about instead of fretting about what he might be doing and focusing on the unknown why not try addressing what you aren't doing and focus on the known.
You do realize your attitude and behavior contribute to his inattentiveness don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worrying about cheating? After reading all these posts about women leaving their husbands and the ex being heartbroken, I'm more concerned about my wife telling me she's going. I try to be the best husband and father possible, but it's like an epidemic!

This is so true. Most of the situations I know the wife is leaving the husband and the husband feels blindsided. In the situations where I know the wife well enough to hear her side, there were issues for years but husband would never agree to therapy etc.

I cannot say that my DH will never cheat. I think there could be situations in life that if they occurred we could struggle like death of a parent, facing our own mortality, death of a child, extended periods of unemployment etc. Based on how DH treats other people and different comments he has made, I believe he is basically an honest person. However, we haven't faced a major issue and had to come out in the other side of it so I can't predict my reaction, his reaction or how we deal with any possible disappointment if someone doesn't react how you hoped they would in that situation.

Ultimately, I agree with the statement about tormenting yourself if you don't trust versus possible disappointment if you trust too much. You can also drive someone away if you distrust them with no basis for the distrust. Focus on the reasons you feel uneasy, that you aren't connecting and spending time together. One of the top reasons couples break up according to an article I read, is because the person does not feel appreciated by his/her significant other. I imagine you are not feeling appreciated if your alone time with DH is being taken up with him being on the phone and always staying up late on his computer instead of coming to bed with you. You don't know if DH is feeling unappreciated and being on the phone/computer is in response to feeling unappreciated, if he found someone that is stroking his ego, or if he is just stressed about something else and this is how it is manifesting itself. The conversation should start with how you are feeling about things in general with two young kids and address your feelings as well as his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, sorry, but I have an interesting "trust" situation. I cheat. I've cheated many times, never been caught. And yet, I completely and totally trust DH. I would never trust the other men, lol, I know what they're capable of. But DH is completely sincere, I've never known him to lie to me or anyone else about anything, and I completely trust him.

Oh, and he would have opportunity if he wanted to - lots of work trips that he can't tell me much about, several female friends and coworkers. I still trust him 100%.

I really feel sorry for your DH. Poor sap has no idea you fucking around behind his back. Goes to show good guys get trampled on and women wonder why men treat them like shit - because that's the behavior that gets them pussy.