How do you every fully trust
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Anonymous
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I trust my husband 100%. He would never do anything to hurt me. He is truly the breath I take, the life blood of my soul.
Married longer than many of you have been alive. |
Anonymous
| Here is my advice: you have to take a leap of faith and simply decide you are going to trust, based on faith alone. You are busy looking for all sorts of external guarantees...that's not trust, that's verification. Trust is something that comes from within you, that's where you find it and give it. You decide you are going to believe the other person is going to be there when you take the leap. That's how it works. Yes, there is risk involved; if there were no risk, there'd be no trust involved, and there would be much less emotional intimacy. |
Anonymous
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Name one person in your life who has never disappointed you in even the smallest sense...who has always given you everything you've ever asked and who has always fulfilled your every expectation of them.
Mommy and Daddy don't count...your expectations were a lot simpler way back when. Santa and the Tooth Fairy don't count either. Name a boss...a friend...a co-worker...a lover...name one person who never ever let you down - never broke a date, never denied you a dollar, never went against your wishes, never hurt you, never lied to you, never was absent when you needed them... Name one person who is truly unequivocally trustworthy based on their record of perfection and infallibility. Take your time. |
Anonymous
Interesting exercise - but then what. What do you want OP to do with that? Maybe - think about how many people you love and trust to never intentionally hurt you, even if you may have been disappointed on occasion? Think about how you survived all of those moments of disappointment, or even betrayal, and are stronger today as a result? Think about the worst case scenario - your trust is deeply, intentionally betrayed by your SO? You've been through it right? You've survived. You've come out of it wiser and stronger - so you would again. Knowing you can and will survive, and that life goes on, takes a bit of the power out of the worst case scenario dread. |
Anonymous
| OP, when you feel the disconnect, when you feel that nagging sense that something's off, listen to your gut. And do something positive about it. Take the positive approach where you find ways to reconnect with your husband and enjoy each other. Break the patterns you are both falling into. Now. |
Anonymous
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You don't ever fully trust. Affairs happen to many marriages, even those who think their marriage is the happiest, get blindsided.
In your situation, it's time for your DH to put his phone and computer down. I was listening to a podcast about how smartphones are ruining so many marriages. There is also a cute Durex commercial about putting your phones down and making love, maybe you can find it on youtube and show it do your DH. Either way, it's time for you to take some action in your marriage. If talking isn't working, counseling should be your next step. |
Anonymous
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OP my best advice for you is to trust your intuition on this. It is hardly ever wrong.
If your gut is telling you that something is off, that something just doesn't feel right anymore, then something probably is. You have taken a step in the right direction by talking openly to your husband and he seemed temporarily receptive, however things always go back to the status quo sooner or later. I wouldn't waste any time and energy "checking up" on him. It would be using energy that should be used in a more positive manner, most especially toward your young children. Since your husband is not coming clean regarding what he is possibly up to + you have no actual proof, it is entirely up to you how you will handle it. What really concerns me the most about your situation is that you come to your husband w/a marriage concern, he acknowledges or seems to at least, the issue, then a few weeks later he tends to forget about it. It doesn't seem to me like working out your marriage issues is very high on his priority list. And that is not a sign of a healthy marriage in my opinion. Perhaps that is what needs addressing here...Before you get to finding out whether or not he is cheating on you. Good Luck. |
Anonymous
PP here, I guess what I was trying to illustrate is that no one is perfect and infallible but that doesn't mean no one is trustworthy. The OP is disturbed and perhaps even frightened by the numerous tales of infidelity on DCUM but there are horror stories of deception and betrayal that happen in every city on every continent every single day - just turn on the news or open a paper. Not a single second passes that someone somewhere isn't taking advantage of someone else's trust. Everyone and anyone is capable of hurting us and disappointing us and yes, even betraying us and no one will ever live up to our expectations of them because no one lives their lives solely to satisfy us BUT YET AND STILL... Yet and still we manage to go through our lives without having frequent panic attacks wondering whether our boss will abruptly call us into the office to can us...well most of us. Yet and still we manage to go through our lives without having recurring nightmares about the seemingly nice people at Starbucks secretly hock-spitting in our coffee...well most of us. Yet and still we manage to go through our lives without having repeated nervous breakdowns from the thought of a co-worker or sibling or a complete stranger who just so happens to be struggling with their own panic attacks and nightmares suddenly pulling out a gun and killing us...well most of us. So in short - we trust people daily. We trust people we know and love and we trust people we don't give a second thought about. We trust and we keep on living...well most of us. Trusting doesn't mean we're impervious to disappointment - no indeed there will always be setbacks and sorrows in life. But trusting does mean that at the very least we're afforded the opportunity to enjoy some semblance of peace of mind for some stretches in our life...well most of us. Some of us are determined to be distracted and distressed by the uncertainties and anxieties of life. For them its not a question of how do you ever fully trust, its a question of how do you ever fully live. |
Anonymous
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You went through his phone/email/browser history when things were good??
I've been married to my husband for eight years. I have never once thought to check up on him. You're never going to trust this man. Or maybe any man. Get some counseling for your trust and anxiety issues. You'll feel a lot better. |
Anonymous
Um I agree that pp shouldn't be cheating but no need to generalize. There are guys out there that treat women like shit and the women weren't cheating so stfu with your bias. PP, I hope your husband cheats on you bc you sound horrible and he deserves better. |
Anonymous
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So my ex-husband cheated on me like it was his job--and he was damn good at that job. It turns out that was never a moment in our 14 year marriage where he wasn't in some other relationship. In the last few years, after I had figured it all out but before I was willing to walk away, I engaged in every form of checking up on him that exists. Frankly, it was like it was MY job to keep track of him. And here's what I learned--it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. All the email snooping/phone bill checking/text reading in the world won't stop someone from doing what they want to do. It will, however, make you nuts. And it's exhausting and kind of soul killing.
So now I'm in a relationship and have been for about a year. He's an amazing man, totally the most honest and kind person I have ever known. I love him and I trust him. I have not lost either ability. And I don't engage in any of those checking-up skills that I unfortunately became so good at. But more importantly, I now trust myself--to make choices that are good for me and my kids and to believe in my own instincts. I cannot keep this man from doing anything he ultimately wants to do. But I can trust myself to do what's right for us if I have to. |
Anonymous
Same here -- though we've only been married 5 years. And I hope I would never do anything to hurt him, either. If DH ever cheated, I would suspect him of sudden mental illness or something. It is just not in his personality. To cheat -- for either of us, I think -- would require a major personality change. We don't have a perfect marriage; no one does. But neither of us thinks that cheating would fix anything. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think the first step is to try to reconnect with your husband. Make time, make dates, make advances, tell him you feel that you need to reconnect (a trip is a good time) and that you miss the intimacy you two had. If he resists, then start worrying about cheating or emotional disengagement. But honestly your DH's behavior sounds a lot like my DH"s behavior--and sometimes my own--when we get stuck in the work/kids/work/kids routine. DH surfs the web as a kind of escape, and I have done that too, but making the effort to reconnect with your partner is important. Its very easy to feel like things are "off" if you are disconnected, but determining how/why they are off is your job now. Don't assume cheating until you give closeness a chance. |
Anonymous
This is the same for me too. I cheat but my husband would never and I trust him 100 %. |
Anonymous
This is me exactly. I told him for years that I didn't like the fighting , I wanted counseling but he would never agree until one day I said I think it's over. And he does feel blind-sided but I said to him how could you not know it could come to this if I'm telling you I'm unhappy, I want counseling? I mean if you ignore everything until you hear the word "divorce" you will feel blindsided so you shouldn't ignore it. |