For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in a retirement community and most 1st wives care for their husbands until they die.

Most 2nd wives don’t. Some leave, some drop him off at adult homes.

Obviously, some stay and care for their husbands because they actually married for love, but it’s not the rule, it’s the exception.

Probably most people who end up divorced marry for love and things didn’t work out as they’d hoped.

Clearly from many posts above many marry for resources… time/money/energy that shall not be shared with adult children (they say 50/50 but you know if he was gone half of the time she’d freak out).

When he is more of a burden than a companion they are gone.

If he was gone half the time they’d be coparents not husband and wife. They could just agree to give each other one weekend a month and x amount of spending money, then spend the rest of the time as a family.

And if something comes up with the older children that requires more than one weekend a month? Oh, f*ck'em! Wait, why don't they like their stepmom? Big happy family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in a retirement community and most 1st wives care for their husbands until they die.

Most 2nd wives don’t. Some leave, some drop him off at adult homes.

Obviously, some stay and care for their husbands because they actually married for love, but it’s not the rule, it’s the exception.

Probably most people who end up divorced marry for love and things didn’t work out as they’d hoped.

Clearly from many posts above many marry for resources… time/money/energy that shall not be shared with adult children (they say 50/50 but you know if he was gone half of the time she’d freak out).

When he is more of a burden than a companion they are gone.

If he was gone half the time they’d be coparents not husband and wife. They could just agree to give each other one weekend a month and x amount of spending money, then spend the rest of the time as a family.

now 50/50 isn’t enough … goal post moving!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.

Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.

Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.

It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.

You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.

Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.

Who are you writing to here? I'm the PP and my spouse doesn't have any other kids. I started following because my dad had a child before he met my mom, married and started a family with her. These are a lot of crazy assumptions and accusations in your post. I am commenting on a universal theme I see here on DCUM of adult children who are entitled and developmentally stunted. And frankly, I consider DH's money my money and I would be pissed if he started spending it on whatever he wanted without my signoff. I know he feels the same way. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, definitely not the marriage my parents modeled.

I am commenting universal theme.

Men (and women) marry and their 2nd spouse want to dictate their time/energy/money. They feel like the time/energy/money is all theirs and when they see some of the time/money/energy going to adult children the 2nd wife cries fowl... OMG they are ADULTS!

I think its unhealthy to dictate how your husband spends his time/money/energy and it's very unhealthy to feel jealous when it is on his adult children.

But apparently you have a H who does not want to spend money/time/energy on his adult children. To me that is sad.

My H doesn't have adult children. We have young children and I expect him to be a 50% parenting partner. We are millennials and this is how all our friends seem to parent as well. Happy to give him time off to recreate and spend our money as long as he does the same for me. 50/50. Also, I don't feel entitled to my parents' money as an adult. I just can't relate to people who feel that way. DH and I both send money to one of our parents when they need help, so all the hate and entitlement from adult children just sounds pathetic to me, but we didn't grow up wealthy, we earned our money.

Come back when he has a 2nd wife and isn’t allowed to spend the weekend with his adult kids during graduation because “it’s not fair” to leave the new wife to care for her own children

This. Come on. Being in a family with his adult children and his grandchildren is not recreation. It can be really fun, or it can be really hard. But it's not just recreation.

What do you think you'll do for your adult children? Just being present at their major life events and being an adequate grandparent is a lot of work. What would you want for your children if your DH divorces you and remarries?

Doesn't really matter what he's doing - whether it's spending time with his parents, his adult children, or his college roommate, as long as he gives his spouse the same time off to do the same, I doubt there'd be any problems. The vast majority of people getting married and having kids today expect 50/50 parenting. My guess is if a second wife has a problem, it's because her spouse isn't pulling his weight as a husband and parent. Blame whoever you want to blame, but it's a recipe for another failed marriage. Folks on here sound like they're rooting for the failure of second marriages, so your position would be that the second wife gets what was coming to her for being foolish enough to marry someone who had kids? Everyone ends up a loser.

Second wife needs to accept that he's not going to be able to do that! He is old. He is getting older. Young adult children tend to be pretty low-maintenance but they get higher-maintenance as they enter their 30s. Grandchildren exist-- is that okay with you? His first-family obligations are very likely to grow. His capacity to meet his obligations is likely to decline. Why. On. Earth. would you expect 50/50 in this situation?

I'm not at all rooting for the failure of the second marriage-- that's a terrible deal for me, I'd be left caregiving for my aged father with no help and not much money (since she'd walk out with a lot of it). But I think it's important to open your eyes to the reality of this. If you want 50/50, marry someone of your own generation and someone who doesn't have these obligations. Coming in with unrealistic expectations only leads to unhappy marriage, and I've already lived through my dad's first unhappy marriage, I don't want to watch him blunder into a second.

When kids are adults there are no obligations. My parents suck as grandparents and never babysit and see my kids a few times a year. And, as an adult you financially support yourself. You are rooting for the failure of the marriage. You sound entitled and demanding. Maybe you are th problem and not the wife.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.

Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.

Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.

It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.

You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.

Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.

Who are you writing to here? I'm the PP and my spouse doesn't have any other kids. I started following because my dad had a child before he met my mom, married and started a family with her. These are a lot of crazy assumptions and accusations in your post. I am commenting on a universal theme I see here on DCUM of adult children who are entitled and developmentally stunted. And frankly, I consider DH's money my money and I would be pissed if he started spending it on whatever he wanted without my signoff. I know he feels the same way. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, definitely not the marriage my parents modeled.

I am commenting universal theme.

Men (and women) marry and their 2nd spouse want to dictate their time/energy/money. They feel like the time/energy/money is all theirs and when they see some of the time/money/energy going to adult children the 2nd wife cries fowl... OMG they are ADULTS!

I think its unhealthy to dictate how your husband spends his time/money/energy and it's very unhealthy to feel jealous when it is on his adult children.

But apparently you have a H who does not want to spend money/time/energy on his adult children. To me that is sad.

My H doesn't have adult children. We have young children and I expect him to be a 50% parenting partner. We are millennials and this is how all our friends seem to parent as well. Happy to give him time off to recreate and spend our money as long as he does the same for me. 50/50. Also, I don't feel entitled to my parents' money as an adult. I just can't relate to people who feel that way. DH and I both send money to one of our parents when they need help, so all the hate and entitlement from adult children just sounds pathetic to me, but we didn't grow up wealthy, we earned our money.

Come back when he has a 2nd wife and isn’t allowed to spend the weekend with his adult kids during graduation because “it’s not fair” to leave the new wife to care for her own children

This. Come on. Being in a family with his adult children and his grandchildren is not recreation. It can be really fun, or it can be really hard. But it's not just recreation.

What do you think you'll do for your adult children? Just being present at their major life events and being an adequate grandparent is a lot of work. What would you want for your children if your DH divorces you and remarries?

Doesn't really matter what he's doing - whether it's spending time with his parents, his adult children, or his college roommate, as long as he gives his spouse the same time off to do the same, I doubt there'd be any problems. The vast majority of people getting married and having kids today expect 50/50 parenting. My guess is if a second wife has a problem, it's because her spouse isn't pulling his weight as a husband and parent. Blame whoever you want to blame, but it's a recipe for another failed marriage. Folks on here sound like they're rooting for the failure of second marriages, so your position would be that the second wife gets what was coming to her for being foolish enough to marry someone who had kids? Everyone ends up a loser.

Oh please. The majority of men in their late 40s/early 50s may be telling their new younger girlfriend what she wants to hear, but they have zero intention of 50/50 parenting. They don't even understand what would be involved. And even if they did want to do it, they won't have the energy.

You realize some of these second marriages occur in the 30s. Why is it moms get a free pass to cheat and remarry but dads are expected to stay single to cater to the ex wife and kids?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.

Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.

Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.

It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.

You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.

Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.

It’s time for you to grow up and be an adult. You expect your husband to support you and that is his obligation. You are the gold digger. As an adult I expect nothing and would never take money from my parents who have plenty. No one paid for my wedding and I am not paying for anyone’s. You get college and can live with us after to save money. If you choose something different it’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Remember the delightful step mom who let us all know how much she HATEs when her adult step children visit? Think about it carefully before you make family-ending decisions, folks.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/261995.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in a retirement community and most 1st wives care for their husbands until they die.

Most 2nd wives don’t. Some leave, some drop him off at adult homes.

Obviously, some stay and care for their husbands because they actually married for love, but it’s not the rule, it’s the exception.

Probably most people who end up divorced marry for love and things didn’t work out as they’d hoped.

Clearly from many posts above many marry for resources… time/money/energy that shall not be shared with adult children (they say 50/50 but you know if he was gone half of the time she’d freak out).

When he is more of a burden than a companion they are gone.

If he was gone half the time they’d be coparents not husband and wife. They could just agree to give each other one weekend a month and x amount of spending money, then spend the rest of the time as a family.

now 50/50 isn’t enough … goal post moving!

But 50/50 is the same as divorce? He spends 50 percent with his adult children (unusual but okay for discussion) and 50 percent with his new children. That leaves zero with his new wife. That’s fine but that’s obviously not a marriage, which seems to be the goal of at least some ACOD on here. And if the second marriage is as this poster wants it to be, a divorce would likely be a relief to the second wife. She would get 50% of her time to parent and 50% of her time to sleep with someone her own age now, or have fun with girlfriends her own age. A second marriage simply doesn’t work if he’s running off to spend his time and money with his adult children and not showing up to his current marriage and young children. But again, maybe that’s all for the best, other than for the new kids who now also have a broken home, and the old dad who loses a big portion of his money and gets saddled with a new round of child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember the delightful step mom who let us all know how much she HATEs when her adult step children visit? Think about it carefully before you make family-ending decisions, folks.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/261995.page

Wow. Digging deep in the archives.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.

Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.

Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.

It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.

You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.

Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.

Who are you writing to here? I'm the PP and my spouse doesn't have any other kids. I started following because my dad had a child before he met my mom, married and started a family with her. These are a lot of crazy assumptions and accusations in your post. I am commenting on a universal theme I see here on DCUM of adult children who are entitled and developmentally stunted. And frankly, I consider DH's money my money and I would be pissed if he started spending it on whatever he wanted without my signoff. I know he feels the same way. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, definitely not the marriage my parents modeled.

I am commenting universal theme.

Men (and women) marry and their 2nd spouse want to dictate their time/energy/money. They feel like the time/energy/money is all theirs and when they see some of the time/money/energy going to adult children the 2nd wife cries fowl... OMG they are ADULTS!

I think its unhealthy to dictate how your husband spends his time/money/energy and it's very unhealthy to feel jealous when it is on his adult children.

But apparently you have a H who does not want to spend money/time/energy on his adult children. To me that is sad.

My H doesn't have adult children. We have young children and I expect him to be a 50% parenting partner. We are millennials and this is how all our friends seem to parent as well. Happy to give him time off to recreate and spend our money as long as he does the same for me. 50/50. Also, I don't feel entitled to my parents' money as an adult. I just can't relate to people who feel that way. DH and I both send money to one of our parents when they need help, so all the hate and entitlement from adult children just sounds pathetic to me, but we didn't grow up wealthy, we earned our money.

Come back when he has a 2nd wife and isn’t allowed to spend the weekend with his adult kids during graduation because “it’s not fair” to leave the new wife to care for her own children

This. Come on. Being in a family with his adult children and his grandchildren is not recreation. It can be really fun, or it can be really hard. But it's not just recreation.

What do you think you'll do for your adult children? Just being present at their major life events and being an adequate grandparent is a lot of work. What would you want for your children if your DH divorces you and remarries?

Doesn't really matter what he's doing - whether it's spending time with his parents, his adult children, or his college roommate, as long as he gives his spouse the same time off to do the same, I doubt there'd be any problems. The vast majority of people getting married and having kids today expect 50/50 parenting. My guess is if a second wife has a problem, it's because her spouse isn't pulling his weight as a husband and parent. Blame whoever you want to blame, but it's a recipe for another failed marriage. Folks on here sound like they're rooting for the failure of second marriages, so your position would be that the second wife gets what was coming to her for being foolish enough to marry someone who had kids? Everyone ends up a loser.

Oh please. The majority of men in their late 40s/early 50s may be telling their new younger girlfriend what she wants to hear, but they have zero intention of 50/50 parenting. They don't even understand what would be involved. And even if they did want to do it, they won't have the energy.

You realize some of these second marriages occur in the 30s. Why is it moms get a free pass to cheat and remarry but dads are expected to stay single to cater to the ex wife and kids?

The thread is about when the first marriage child is an adult and then a baby is born. If you have a man in his 30s who has an adult child, you're marrying into a complex family already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

How can you be so sure?

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in a retirement community and most 1st wives care for their husbands until they die.

Most 2nd wives don’t. Some leave, some drop him off at adult homes.

Obviously, some stay and care for their husbands because they actually married for love, but it’s not the rule, it’s the exception.

Probably most people who end up divorced marry for love and things didn’t work out as they’d hoped.

Clearly from many posts above many marry for resources… time/money/energy that shall not be shared with adult children (they say 50/50 but you know if he was gone half of the time she’d freak out).

When he is more of a burden than a companion they are gone.

If he was gone half the time they’d be coparents not husband and wife. They could just agree to give each other one weekend a month and x amount of spending money, then spend the rest of the time as a family.

now 50/50 isn’t enough … goal post moving!

But 50/50 is the same as divorce? He spends 50 percent with his adult children (unusual but okay for discussion) and 50 percent with his new children. That leaves zero with his new wife. That’s fine but that’s obviously not a marriage, which seems to be the goal of at least some ACOD on here. And if the second marriage is as this poster wants it to be, a divorce would likely be a relief to the second wife. She would get 50% of her time to parent and 50% of her time to sleep with someone her own age now, or have fun with girlfriends her own age. A second marriage simply doesn’t work if he’s running off to spend his time and money with his adult children and not showing up to his current marriage and young children. But again, maybe that’s all for the best, other than for the new kids who now also have a broken home, and the old dad who loses a big portion of his money and gets saddled with a new round of child support.

I think the idea was they parent the minor children 50/50, not that the DH spends 50% of his time parenting adults.

When you marry a man who has children, you're choosing for your children to have a big family. You're choosing for them to be his 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th children as the case many be. And do you know what happens in families with that many children? Each individual gets a lot less time and attention. The parents manage, but they get a lot less time for their own activities and relaxation, and a lot less time with each other, and kinda burnt out on parenting. The little kids get less attention than they would in a smaller family, unless they get attention from their older siblings. The adult children also get less attention than they would in a smaller family. That's the way this goes. If you marry into this, go in with eyes wide open. You're not gonna have the intact nuclear family, similar-age marriage experience, and neither are any of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Np. You’re an idiot, lady.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Np. You’re an idiot, lady.

What is wrong with you that you need to name call? If kids are adults, what is the issue? Child support and other obligations are done with.

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Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in a retirement community and most 1st wives care for their husbands until they die.

Most 2nd wives don’t. Some leave, some drop him off at adult homes.

Obviously, some stay and care for their husbands because they actually married for love, but it’s not the rule, it’s the exception.

Probably most people who end up divorced marry for love and things didn’t work out as they’d hoped.

Clearly from many posts above many marry for resources… time/money/energy that shall not be shared with adult children (they say 50/50 but you know if he was gone half of the time she’d freak out).

When he is more of a burden than a companion they are gone.

If he was gone half the time they’d be coparents not husband and wife. They could just agree to give each other one weekend a month and x amount of spending money, then spend the rest of the time as a family.

now 50/50 isn’t enough … goal post moving!

But 50/50 is the same as divorce? He spends 50 percent with his adult children (unusual but okay for discussion) and 50 percent with his new children. That leaves zero with his new wife. That’s fine but that’s obviously not a marriage, which seems to be the goal of at least some ACOD on here. And if the second marriage is as this poster wants it to be, a divorce would likely be a relief to the second wife. She would get 50% of her time to parent and 50% of her time to sleep with someone her own age now, or have fun with girlfriends her own age. A second marriage simply doesn’t work if he’s running off to spend his time and money with his adult children and not showing up to his current marriage and young children. But again, maybe that’s all for the best, other than for the new kids who now also have a broken home, and the old dad who loses a big portion of his money and gets saddled with a new round of child support.

I think the idea was they parent the minor children 50/50, not that the DH spends 50% of his time parenting adults.

When you marry a man who has children, you're choosing for your children to have a big family. You're choosing for them to be his 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th children as the case many be. And do you know what happens in families with that many children? Each individual gets a lot less time and attention. The parents manage, but they get a lot less time for their own activities and relaxation, and a lot less time with each other, and kinda burnt out on parenting. The little kids get less attention than they would in a smaller family, unless they get attention from their older siblings. The adult children also get less attention than they would in a smaller family. That's the way this goes. If you marry into this, go in with eyes wide open. You're not gonna have the intact nuclear family, similar-age marriage experience, and neither are any of the kids.

How is this different from a family with two married parents? It isn't. So you are advocating small families which is a different issue.

Reality is that often Dad's get cut out of the kids lives and it's only recently that they get 50-50. Mom's want full custody and no visits as visits impact their child support.

However, OP is talking about being an adult when Dad has more kids so in that situation most 20 year olds are not spending that much time with Dad and just visiting, summers/holidays or an occasional meal.

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.

Okay, all these people on DCUM who are adult children thinking they are entitled to their parents' money are so freaking entitled and nuts. My parents are married and I don't think that way. It's not their responsibility to fund MY kids' education. Is that what it's like to grow up wealthy? You live your whole lives feeling entitled? And your parents forever enable you? Glad we made our own money.

Again, all these 2nd wives thinking they are entitled 100% to their new H's money are so freaking entitled and nuts. I'm married, my parents are married, my in laws are married and they love to take us on vacations, or we take our adult kids on vacations, we help each other with projects at their home, they send care packages and money to their adult grandchildren at college. They take weekends away to visit adult children at college or in whatever town they live. They take them on trips to Europe.

It's up to them how they want to spend their money. If they want to fund an education go for it, but some new wifey and their kids should not stop them from doing with their money what they want to do. Why would you want to stand in the way of their happiness? If you can't care for your own kids for a weekend or a week by yourself don't marry somebody with adult kids. If you are so bent out of shape by them helping with a wedding for adult children don't marry them. If you think a 21 year old college student doesn't need help with money, you are insane and a little entitled money grubbing gold digger.

You live your whole life feeling entitled because you shake your ars and got a ring? Are you forever a burden, can you not care for yourself and your children. Do you need 100% of your new spouses funds? Did you live off the dole your whole life? If not his money going where ever he wants should not be a problem.

Glad you make your own money but apparently it's not enough you want your H's too. Sad.

Who are you writing to here? I'm the PP and my spouse doesn't have any other kids. I started following because my dad had a child before he met my mom, married and started a family with her. These are a lot of crazy assumptions and accusations in your post. I am commenting on a universal theme I see here on DCUM of adult children who are entitled and developmentally stunted. And frankly, I consider DH's money my money and I would be pissed if he started spending it on whatever he wanted without my signoff. I know he feels the same way. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, definitely not the marriage my parents modeled.

I am commenting universal theme.

Men (and women) marry and their 2nd spouse want to dictate their time/energy/money. They feel like the time/energy/money is all theirs and when they see some of the time/money/energy going to adult children the 2nd wife cries fowl... OMG they are ADULTS!

I think its unhealthy to dictate how your husband spends his time/money/energy and it's very unhealthy to feel jealous when it is on his adult children.

But apparently you have a H who does not want to spend money/time/energy on his adult children. To me that is sad.

My H doesn't have adult children. We have young children and I expect him to be a 50% parenting partner. We are millennials and this is how all our friends seem to parent as well. Happy to give him time off to recreate and spend our money as long as he does the same for me. 50/50. Also, I don't feel entitled to my parents' money as an adult. I just can't relate to people who feel that way. DH and I both send money to one of our parents when they need help, so all the hate and entitlement from adult children just sounds pathetic to me, but we didn't grow up wealthy, we earned our money.

Come back when he has a 2nd wife and isn’t allowed to spend the weekend with his adult kids during graduation because “it’s not fair” to leave the new wife to care for her own children

This. Come on. Being in a family with his adult children and his grandchildren is not recreation. It can be really fun, or it can be really hard. But it's not just recreation.

What do you think you'll do for your adult children? Just being present at their major life events and being an adequate grandparent is a lot of work. What would you want for your children if your DH divorces you and remarries?

Doesn't really matter what he's doing - whether it's spending time with his parents, his adult children, or his college roommate, as long as he gives his spouse the same time off to do the same, I doubt there'd be any problems. The vast majority of people getting married and having kids today expect 50/50 parenting. My guess is if a second wife has a problem, it's because her spouse isn't pulling his weight as a husband and parent. Blame whoever you want to blame, but it's a recipe for another failed marriage. Folks on here sound like they're rooting for the failure of second marriages, so your position would be that the second wife gets what was coming to her for being foolish enough to marry someone who had kids? Everyone ends up a loser.

Second wife needs to accept that he's not going to be able to do that! He is old. He is getting older. Young adult children tend to be pretty low-maintenance but they get higher-maintenance as they enter their 30s. Grandchildren exist-- is that okay with you? His first-family obligations are very likely to grow. His capacity to meet his obligations is likely to decline. Why. On. Earth. would you expect 50/50 in this situation?

I'm not at all rooting for the failure of the second marriage-- that's a terrible deal for me, I'd be left caregiving for my aged father with no help and not much money (since she'd walk out with a lot of it). But I think it's important to open your eyes to the reality of this. If you want 50/50, marry someone of your own generation and someone who doesn't have these obligations. Coming in with unrealistic expectations only leads to unhappy marriage, and I've already lived through my dad's first unhappy marriage, I don't want to watch him blunder into a second.

Just shared this with my husband he says you are type that gets written out of wills. And yes I'm second wife. Your mother used him for cash and has taught you to be the same