Dealing with elderly parents? How much to you give up?

[Anonymous]

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this. Where do you draw the line when it comes to supporting/caring for/living near elderly parents? I think my parents are hoping that one day I'll drag DH back to my hometown and we'll live near them but it's just not going to happen. DH doesn't like it there, I don't like it there, I don't want my kids to grow up there, it's too expensive, etc. But my parents won't budge and they believe it's the greatest place in the world (a NJ suburb).

Still, I know they're getting older and they will need some help. I have one sibling but I don't want it all to be on him, either. I don't want to ruin my marriage and condemn DH to living in a place he never wanted to live in for however much longer they last-- could be 30+ years. I don't think they'd follow us where we want to go, either. We have plans to buy a house in a warmer climate and have been talking about these plans for years. But do we toss those plans out the window for my parents and try to make them happen when we're, say 65? Again, I don't know.

I have a cousin who is single and intends on moving closer to her parents and believes that anyone she marries has to be on board with her plans for being near and supporting her parents. I think that can be hard to make happen. Thoughts? Where do you draw the line? I've seen older couples caring for elderly parents for years and the whole situation really ran them into the ground psychologically and health-wise.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child, and my parents know that I'm never moving back to my hometown. When it's down to one of them, there may be a move to a facility here, but that's still aways off.

I'd be clear with your parents that you're never moving back. That's just not your responsibility. They'll know that if they want help, they'll need to hire it, and your sibling can decide how much he does or doesn't want to be involved. You can talk with your brother about how to time travel so it's useful for everyone.

[Anonymous]

When the time comes my parents will be moving close to me. I am lucky, my parents have plenty of money for whatever care they need, but I want them close, so I can keep an eye on what is going on and help them with doctor's appointments etc.

[Anonymous]

I actually think parents should move closer to their children. Both DH and I have good paying, steady jobs here and it wouldn't be so in our home towns. If our parents need support, they can move MUCH easier than we can since they're all retired. Besides, our parents plan on moving to smaller homes anyways to downsize.

[Anonymous]

Your cousin is delusional.

[Anonymous]

My DH parents live with us and, while there are sacrifices, the benefits of having full time grandparents for my DS outweigh anything else.

[Anonymous]

Parents like to talk, and wonder, and speculate if you'll ever move home. They aren't the ones with whom to share your plans for moving elsewhere. Talk and enjoy your plans with friends instead. Meanwhile, let them tell you how nice it would be to have you close. Turn-off any quilt feelings, but let them talk. They love you, they enjoy your company, that's a good thing and that's the main message. Enjoy them in the now.

[Anonymous]

Your cousin will die alone.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are able, I think it's on them to plan for the future - take out a LTC insurance plan, be ready to downsize when they stop working, etc. If they haven't been saving for retirement, then they should be planning to live within their means on social security. If something unexpected happens, then you can help if you're able but that doesn't have to take the form of moving back to their town. If they're really the ones in need of help, they'll have to come to you where you can maintain the careers that even allow you to help in the first place.

We may at one point have to provide financial support to my ILs but the amount will be based on what we can afford, they'll have to stay in their LCOL country where we can easily hire help for them, and it will be given on condition that the money be solely under the control of MIL since FIL is the reason they have zero savings. If MIL outlives FIL, then she may come stay with us at some point and my husband was pretty upfront about that potential future necessity when we were dating.

So yeah, we're probably planning to help out more than most in DC but that's partially because of where my husband's from and also that we'll have the space. But we're not going to uproot the entire family to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Although I am a big advance planner, don't plan too much - things change. Your dad could fall off a ladder or be in a car accident. Parents health can take big turns.

I am currently struggling with watching my dad age. But, he's only 70 and in good health less (sorta - no heart, no diabetes, normal weight, just a body that is falling apart from sitting at desks his whole life - moves slow, has muscle tremors). I remind my mother constantly she needs to save her money because if it runs out she's not moving in with me.

[Anonymous]

It's frustrating. DH's mother is getting to the place where she needs help, but she will NOT move. She lives in Oak Park, IL, and when she visits she looks down her nose at everything here. It's just not good enough for her.

DH isn't willing to move back to Chicago. She'll stay where she is until she is ready for a nursing home and then she will go to a nursing home. She's very bitter and resentful about it, but she's retired and we aren't. We aren't tearing up the whole family and putting our careers on hold for 1 person's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and my parents know that I'm never moving back to my hometown. When it's down to one of them, there may be a move to a facility here, but that's still aways off.

I'd be clear with your parents that you're never moving back. That's just not your responsibility. They'll know that if they want help, they'll need to hire it, and your sibling can decide how much he does or doesn't want to be involved. You can talk with your brother about how to time travel so it's useful for everyone.

WOW! MY GOD, I HOPE MY CHILDREN WILL TREAT ME OR AT LEAST SPEAK ABOUT ME IN MY OLD AGE A BIT MORE KINDLY THAN YOU DO TO YOUR PARENTS. I DON'T EXPECT MY CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF ME, BUT I HOPE TO GOD THAT THEY WOULD WANT TO PLAY A ROLE IN MY CARE WHEN I AM TOO OLD TO CARE FOR MYSELF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and my parents know that I'm never moving back to my hometown. When it's down to one of them, there may be a move to a facility here, but that's still aways off.

I'd be clear with your parents that you're never moving back. That's just not your responsibility. They'll know that if they want help, they'll need to hire it, and your sibling can decide how much he does or doesn't want to be involved. You can talk with your brother about how to time travel so it's useful for everyone.

WOW! MY GOD, I HOPE MY CHILDREN WILL TREAT ME OR AT LEAST SPEAK ABOUT ME IN MY OLD AGE A BIT MORE KINDLY THAN YOU DO TO YOUR PARENTS. I DON'T EXPECT MY CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF ME, BUT I HOPE TO GOD THAT THEY WOULD WANT TO PLAY A ROLE IN MY CARE WHEN I AM TOO OLD TO CARE FOR MYSELF.

I never said I wouldn't play a role in my parents' care. I imagine I will play a pretty large role, but it won't involve moving back to my home town.

It's not disrespectful to point out simple logistical facts. Extra hired help or moving is necessary if there isn't family or friend help an older person near where they live.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I both feel very strongly that we had a duty to help our parents when they needed it. It was very stressful at the time we were going through it, but I do not regret it. That being said, we did not have to move as we were all within easy commuting distance.
DH and I actually wanted to relocate during that time, but decided not to so we could be near our families. We don't regret it one bit!!
Now that our parents are gone, we'll probably consider relocating after retirement.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this now. Parents retired last year to another state. One parent was just dx with terminal cancer. Now me and my sibling have the stress of not being close to help out. And the stress of making sure our other parent will be set after all of this. Things would be much easier if they were closer to one of us. It's not reasonable for either me or my sibling to move (jobs, kids,etc). We will have to make it work but it is already stressful.