Dealing with elderly parents? How much to you give up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH parents live with us and, while there are sacrifices, the benefits of having full time grandparents for my DS outweigh anything else.

If you're smart (and lucky!) enough to make this work, it's the best possible senerio for so many reasons, IMHO.
Congratulations, PP. Your child is most fortunate.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child. My parents are young - mid 60s - but they will move to VA in the next 5 years or so, ideally to a condo near a metro so they can be close enough to be active grandparents and also have some where they can stay independent for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I both feel very strongly that we had a duty to help our parents when they needed it. It was very stressful at the time we were going through it, but I do not regret it. That being said, we did not have to move as we were all within easy commuting distance.
DH and I actually wanted to relocate during that time, but decided not to so we could be near our families. We don't regret it one bit!!
Now that our parents are gone, we'll probably consider relocating after retirement.

You gave your children an incredible example of how to be a healthy family.

They will most likely do the same, when the time comes.
Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child. My parents are young - mid 60s - but they will move to VA in the next 5 years or so, ideally to a condo near a metro so they can be close enough to be active grandparents and also have some where they can stay independent for as long as possible.

Oh - and then they will live with us until they need serious nursing care. My husband agreed to this before we married. It was important that my husband was on board because my parents might need some financial help. I am the breadwinner though, so perhaps it's easier to ask him to make that kind of financial and emotional commitment. My husband's parents will move closer to his 2 sisters who are both in Northern California. When I think of them being old and being so far away, it makes me sad. I imagine he will have many years of flying to California 3-4 times a year instead of the 1 trip we make now.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent and will be moving home in the next year or so for this reason. I have three siblings still in the area and I am sure they will all play an active role in their care (we've had some scares and everyone has stepped up and played their part). I will seek out a home with a first floor suite. My sister has one in her home too, so our parents will be welcome in either.

Being a parent has opened my eyes to all that my parents have done for me. I now understand I have a duty to do the same for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single parent and will be moving home in the next year or so for this reason. I have three siblings still in the area and I am sure they will all play an active role in their care (we've had some scares and everyone has stepped up and played their part). I will seek out a home with a first floor suite. My sister has one in her home too, so our parents will be welcome in either.

Being a parent has opened my eyes to all that my parents have done for me. I now understand I have a duty to do the same for them.

Caring people like you, make the world a better place.
Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and my parents know that I'm never moving back to my hometown. When it's down to one of them, there may be a move to a facility here, but that's still aways off.

I'd be clear with your parents that you're never moving back. That's just not your responsibility. They'll know that if they want help, they'll need to hire it, and your sibling can decide how much he does or doesn't want to be involved. You can talk with your brother about how to time travel so it's useful for everyone.

I wish I had a brother who knew how to time travel. Or teleport.

My in laws are currently bound to their hometown by their own very elderly mothers. One just passed away, and she was the one who would not budge-so one the estate is wrapped up I think they'll start thinking more seriously about moving. They are retired, and have been wanting to start spending at least some of each winter in Florida anyway, but couldn't leave the 2 grandmothers alone. DH is an only child, so we expect they'll move down near us to be near the grandkids. We're hoping for somewhere about 60-90 minutes away, close enough to easily get together, but not close enough for an "everybody loves Raymond" situation. They can't afford to live close in anyway, and my FIL doesn't do well with very urban settings anyway. MIL and her sister have been trying to get their mom to move in with the sister, but she doesn't like that SIL, so she won't. Hopefully she'd be willing to move down here with them/near them. Otherwise, I guess they'll wait til she passes. That sounds terrible, but she's 89 and in pretty bad health so it's on everyone's radar.

My own parents are ten years older than my inlaws, but in much better shape financially and health wise. Right now they're busy traveling the world and having a great time on their 2-3 big trips a year. I'm not sure what they'll do when they get past that point. I know my mom would like to downsize (still have their 4 bedroom house) but my dad would hate to be in an apartment. My siblings are spread out all over the country. I suspect that they'd move closer to us if they move anywhere, but not certain.

Our house isn't big enough for anyone else to live with us-I guess if situations changed a lot we might move somewhere bigger, but I think we'd all drive each other nuts if we had to live together. We get along well with both sets of parents but it gets stressful if we're all in each other's space all the time.

[Anonymous]

Bigger space can make a huge difference for some families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and my parents know that I'm never moving back to my hometown. When it's down to one of them, there may be a move to a facility here, but that's still aways off.

I'd be clear with your parents that you're never moving back. That's just not your responsibility. They'll know that if they want help, they'll need to hire it, and your sibling can decide how much he does or doesn't want to be involved. You can talk with your brother about how to time travel so it's useful for everyone.

WOW! MY GOD, I HOPE MY CHILDREN WILL TREAT ME OR AT LEAST SPEAK ABOUT ME IN MY OLD AGE A BIT MORE KINDLY THAN YOU DO TO YOUR PARENTS. I DON'T EXPECT MY CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF ME, BUT I HOPE TO GOD THAT THEY WOULD WANT TO PLAY A ROLE IN MY CARE WHEN I AM TOO OLD TO CARE FOR MYSELF.

If you want your children to help you, then you have to be willing to make some compromises. If parents aren't willing to compromise, then they can hire their own help.

PP wasn't unkind. The reality is that elderly parents are not entitled to ruin their children's and grandchildren's lives simply because they will not move to where their family is. It's not fair to the rest of the family. Dependents (ie. children and elderly parents) don't get to decide where the family will live. That's up to the breadwinners who are supporting the family. If elderly parents can't take that, then they have to hire help or go to a care facility.

BTW, you might want to turn off your caps button.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single parent and will be moving home in the next year or so for this reason. I have three siblings still in the area and I am sure they will all play an active role in their care (we've had some scares and everyone has stepped up and played their part). I will seek out a home with a first floor suite. My sister has one in her home too, so our parents will be welcome in either.

Being a parent has opened my eyes to all that my parents have done for me. I now understand I have a duty to do the same for them. [/quote]

My parents were terrible parents -- sometimes abusive, always neglectful. By this logic, I would justified in abandoning them to their own devices as older adults.

Responsibility for family members shouldn't depend on a quid pro quo.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had loving parents - with all my heart. Not having parents who aren't violent and dangerous has been a downer, no question about it. But when they're older, perhaps I'll be able to enjoy the single upside: I won't have to give anything. I doubt that'll happen, but maybe, just maybe, there's one upside to my life as the offspring of my parents to which I can look forward. I'd like to think so.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those things where I think "treat people how you want to be treated" rings true. Thing about what you would like from your own kids when you are old and elderly, and how you would like them to help you when you're frail and losing your capacity to do stuff. And give that to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Just moved my mom from 2.5 hours away to here, to a lovely place not many can afford, but she could, so we pulled the plug and moved her. Lots of resentment and passive agressive behavior on her part. Just like your children, you must ignore and focus on the positive. Why did we move her? For her health, but most of all safety. I can see from this post most are not in this position yet, or the post would have a different tone. Go on the 50+ site for the real time perspective.

[Anonymous]

We are in the early stages of talking about moving MIL to the DC area. It will be really hard for her to leave the small town she's been living in for 40+ years, and there is a chance that she will decide to move into assisted living there, but she wouldn't have any family close by if she stays there. It is a tough choice for her: living close to us or close to very dear friends. That social network is very important, but those friends are starting to die off and can't help much physically, only emotionally.

Although she has a great pension and some savings, it won't go nearly as far in the DC area, so we will probably buy a condo for her to live in or move into a home with a MIL / au pair suite. I don't think DH has a realistic view of how much this will really cost, or that it really needs to be an accessible (as in ADA) home, as she isn't getting younger and we would want to maximize the time she can live independently. And that it would be ideal if she didn't have to drive anywhere.

[Anonymous]

For all of you sold on the idea of your parents living independently, remember their social needs. If they aren't going to live with you, there are may senior living options which are nice and they can enjoy having friends. Aging-in-place is only preferable with there is enough social interaction, otherwise it sounds good but can be isolating. My parents in a senior facility have more social interactions on a single walk to the dining room than they use to have during an entire week living in their home.