Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
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Anonymous
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My very good friend who is an amazing mom, and professional has separated from her DH. He's always been "checked out" of the marriage. He's a terrible DH, and pretty crappy dad from my observations. Anyways, they sold their home and are living separately. I know friend hopes for a reconciliation but knows its unlikely since her DH hasn't shown interest. Prior to their separation, I became aware that he lied to her about visiting his parents but went to Vegas hooked up with strippers in his hotel room. He was with a friend whose wife found out and wanted to contact my friend to inform her. I didn't want to get involved so I didn't give the number or tell her. I felt like it was so obvious her marriage was bad I didn't want add to it and possibly pass info that could end it for good especially bc they have a young child. I thought about STDs. I thought a Lot about this but a part of me felt like I had to myob bc she hadn't talked expressly about their issues. If she had I may have acted differently. So after thinking about it didn't pass on her number. This woman would have to find another way. Not sure of she did. But I didn't want to ruin their marriage.
Now they have been separated for a year and I feel like this is important for the divorce and currently he's begged her to leave out lawyers, and just make a plan themselves but he refuses child support. I want her armed with the information that gives her dd and her the most advantage but I don't want her hurt further by this info. She's going thru so much. She's a fairly good friend of 4yrs. Is it my place to tell her? She's a very savy and intelligent woman. The separation was her idea. Maybe she knows about his behaviour as it is? |
Anonymous
| It's really a question of how much does your friend trust her soon to be ex to do right by her and their child. If your friend already has her husband's number there is no reason to give details. If she has some faith in her soon to be ex, that you believe will lead her to make concessions she will regret later than the additional info may be a wakeup call. I would ask her point blank when she talks about the no lawyer, no child support bs her ex is trying to pull if she trusts him or thinks he is out for himself. If she seems to be in denial, pose the question if there was something that happened that may be hurtful to her but showed her ex lied when they were separated would she want to know? If she days no, stay silent. If she says yes, tell her. |
Anonymous
| Tell her |
Anonymous
| Agree. Tell her. |
Anonymous
| Yes, you tell your "very good friend" about this. You should've done it over a year ago. |
Anonymous
| guy here - tell her but be fact-based and neutral. let her decide what to do with the information but she does need to know that she needs to stop pining over the hope for a reconciliation and to move on with her (and her DC's) life. |
Anonymous
| Tell her and don't forget to duck when she takes a swing at you and screams, "You're just now telling me?!!" |
Anonymous
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Tell her. And more importantly, insist that she get a lawyer. This part about no child support is utter crap. It's not his or her decision whether the child gets support. It just happens.
He's a real loser. Please support your friend in getting a lawyer, Now. That will be the best thing you can do as a friend. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+1000 OP, your friend may be a successful professional, but she's not thinking clearly at all if she's even considering not using an attorney when the child's father is refusing child support. |
Anonymous
| I would tell her but you should have told her a year ago. You do not seem like a good friend at all. You hide a secret like this from her? You are just now worried about an STD? Horrible, horrible, horrible. Way to kick her when she is already down. |
Anonymous
| Give the mutual friend her phone number and let her be the bearer of bad news. |
Anonymous
BTW, she can use an attorney, but she doesn't have to tell her STBX that she is using one, if she's not comfortable yet. Encourage her to at least get a consultation with an attorney so that she knows the process and her rights and her children's rights as well as the likely amount of child support. A consult would cost 1 1/2 to 2 hours of an attorney's time, billed at their hourly rate. Depending on who you use, it will cost $500-1000. |
Anonymous
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Plus, forgot to say, it's about so much more than child support -- do they own a house together? are their names on a mortgage together? joint credit cards? joint bank accounts? reitrement funds? what will they do about college? physical and legal custody?
Your friend might want to trade away some of these items to maintain others, but she needs a lawyer's advice to know what she's likely to get anyway. If he's behaving as you say, she'll want to make absolutely sure that all financial ties are severed from a legal standpoint so that she is not vulnerable to his craziness. For example, if she doesn't get his name off a jointly owned house, all the money he's throwing away on strippers and Vegas can cause him to have creditors seeking to attach or put a lien on his assets. No creditor will care 5 years from now that they settled their divorce without a lawyer and he hasn't paid the mortgage on the house in 5 years, it will still be viewed as an asset to which his creditors are entitled. |
Anonymous
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