Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised to see mostly responses saying to tell the friend. Most of the time, OP gets blasted about not myob. I agree about telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think his sex life is too relevant except perhaps in judging fitness for custody. However, this is all heresay isn't it? I suspect this info has little impact in determining fault- which isn't applicable in most states these days, anyway. They will just apply a formula to his income based on days with children annually.

I don't think it's fair to skewer OPfor not telling her- this knowledge will ultimately not do much for her in terms of her court proceedings, and only serve as another haunting memory. I would not twist the knife without pause.

It might strengthen her resolve to go through with the divorce and it might encourage her to stand up for her own rights a bit more. But you're right this info will likely neither save nor end the marriage.

It was information that would have been helpful for her 'friend' to have when deciding if the marriage was worth saving and what areas they needed to work on. As someone who has survived infidelity, I know that until you have honesty, you have no hope of rebuilding a relationship. Revealing this information now might still benefit her 'friend'. It would help reinforce her belief that she made the right decision to divorce.

yes. It probably would have been better for the friend to say something much earlier but that didn't happen. But even now, the info may be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.

And you assume he would never, ever do such a thing again?

Lol no not saying that I mean I don't see why its relevant for this lady to tell her friend now...they're already getting divorced - how does divulging this information help any?

She's on the fence about reconciliation. Also, she seems to trust this guy - maybe A LOT more than she should.

To some extent it is old news and Op handled it the best she knew how at the time...yet, it is some ways still very relevant info that may/may not influence this friend on how to proceed.

NP. I didn't see where she's on the fence of getting back with him.

In the Op, the Op states that she knows this "friend hopes for a reconciliation" but that is unlikely to happen..

[Anonymous]

My God, tell her. And she needs to get tested for STDs immediately. Chances are high - I escaped contracting something, but I've met many women who are suffering now because of their husbands' activities with strippers and/or prostitutes. Esp. with HPV and issues related to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.

Glad to hear that she is getting legal advice. The jackass really doesn't get to say whether she can use a lawyer or not. My friend's ex tried to pull this stunt: "Oh we can work this out on our own..." Hell no. If he had his way, he wouldn't pay a dime for HIS child. Make sure your friend doesn't fall for this.

It's the rare judge who would sign off on a divorce agreement with no child support. Just FYI to everyone.

OP, you could always suggest she get tested without telling her why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My God, tell her. And she needs to get tested for STDs immediately. Chances are high - I escaped contracting something, but I've met many women who are suffering now because of their husbands' activities with strippers and/or prostitutes. Esp. with HPV and issues related to that.

Hope to goodness you're a nurse.
Can't imagine any other way you would have met many women who just casually shared their STD history with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.

Glad to hear that she is getting legal advice. The jackass really doesn't get to say whether she can use a lawyer or not. My friend's ex tried to pull this stunt: "Oh we can work this out on our own..." Hell no. If he had his way, he wouldn't pay a dime for HIS child. Make sure your friend doesn't fall for this.

It's the rare judge who would sign off on a divorce agreement with no child support. Just FYI to everyone.

OP, you could always suggest she get tested without telling her why

And if some concerned "friend" came up to you - Out of the Blue - and suggested that you get checked for STDs, you would not find that strange, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.

Glad to hear that she is getting legal advice. The jackass really doesn't get to say whether she can use a lawyer or not. My friend's ex tried to pull this stunt: "Oh we can work this out on our own..." Hell no. If he had his way, he wouldn't pay a dime for HIS child. Make sure your friend doesn't fall for this.

It's the rare judge who would sign off on a divorce agreement with no child support. Just FYI to everyone.

OP, you could always suggest she get tested without telling her why

And if some concerned "friend" came up to you - Out of the Blue - and suggested that you get checked for STDs, you would not find that strange, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God, tell her. And she needs to get tested for STDs immediately. Chances are high - I escaped contracting something, but I've met many women who are suffering now because of their husbands' activities with strippers and/or prostitutes. Esp. with HPV and issues related to that.

Hope to goodness you're a nurse.
Can't imagine any other way you would have met many women who just casually shared their STD history with you.

Nope NW DC SAHM, three kids in private school, etc. And no, they didn't tell me "casually." Each one was sobbing, pretty much.

STDs are everywhere, and if your husband is cheating, you are at high risk. If he is cheating with strippers and/or prostitutes, forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God, tell her. And she needs to get tested for STDs immediately. Chances are high - I escaped contracting something, but I've met many women who are suffering now because of their husbands' activities with strippers and/or prostitutes. Esp. with HPV and issues related to that.

Hope to goodness you're a nurse.
Can't imagine any other way you would have met many women who just casually shared their STD history with you.

Nope NW DC SAHM, three kids in private school, etc. And no, they didn't tell me "casually." Each one was sobbing, pretty much.

STDs are everywhere, and if your husband is cheating, you are at high risk. If he is cheating with strippers and/or prostitutes, forget it.

Wow, so many women suffering and sobbing...
All of them practically lined up to lean on you and tell you about their STD's...
That's an amazing story - you're like a mighty tree in the middle of a pasture...

[Anonymous]

Male here. MYOB. First, you have no proof. Second, what is "being with strippers"? A lap dance?

Their marriage is already on the way out. No need to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Tell her YESTERDAY.

Really. I would expect my friends to tell me everything.

[Anonymous]

Let me say this as emphatically as possible. You MUST tell her. Apologize for keeping it from her, she will forgive you, but you absolutely HAVE TO tell her if she is going through a divorce.

A very well respected divorce attorney told me that in divorce adultery is a game-changer. This could make all the difference for how things turn out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here. MYOB. First, you have no proof. Second, what is "being with strippers"? A lap dance?

Their marriage is already on the way out. No need to get involved.

You tell her because her jackass husband wants to keep "marital" property that is equally hers and not pay child support. She needs the information to wake the hell up and use the effing lawyer to get what is rightfully hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here. MYOB. First, you have no proof. Second, what is "being with strippers"? A lap dance?

Their marriage is already on the way out. No need to get involved.

You tell her because her jackass husband wants to keep "marital" property that is equally hers and not pay child support. She needs the information to wake the hell up and use the effing lawyer to get what is rightfully hers.

Lol - you act like the OP has is offering an eyewitness account. She's not. You know what she's offering? - gossip. Total hearsay. And as such it's totally irrelevant and won't hardly help the friend in her divorce proceedings. Hell if the OP can come out of left field with some story about some story she heard from someone else who supposedly had suspicions about what really happened TWO YEARS AGO but the OP is just now coming out with this 3rd hand account, what's to stop the husband from trotting out his own "expert witness" who heard something from someone who suspected that something may have happened TWO YEARS ago involving his wife smoking meth in a Denny's bathroom and the person is just now coming forward to tell him?