if you wanted 2 kids and only had 1 because spouse only wanted 1, how did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

I don't think DW is going to change her mind about only wanting one, so I guess DS is going to be an only. If you were in this situation, how do you feel about it now? I'm worried I'll be permanently resentful, but don't want to be, and want the perspective of someone who went through this a while ago. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Quite honestly, the one "only" child in our extended family is obnoxious. She's in elementary school and just the complete stereotypical only child. She isn't a brat but she's just horribly self centered. She expects to be entertained all the time and she can't relate well to my kids. We only see her a few times a year and that's enough. I realize not all "only" children are like this but it's such a great thing to grow up and make decisions on aging parents with a sibling or two. My kids love each other and I'm thankful they have each other to experience lifes ups and downs with.

[Anonymous]

Yikes PP. Seriously you only know one?!?

OP, how old is your one?

[Anonymous]

Funny, the most self centered kid I know has a sister 2 years younger. We had to stop having playdates with him because it was such an issue.

Anyways, we stopped at 1 because of DH's relationship with his brother. To say it was traumatizing would be an understatement. DH just didn't want to even have the slightest chance that history would repeat itself.

It took awhile for me to accept that we were stopping at one, but once I started looking at the big picture (how lucky we were to have DS, the experiences we could have because we only had 1, etc) it became easier. DS is also a social buttefly and we always have kids over, so in a way I feel like I have many children! Ha, but at least I can send them home when I'm exhausted.

[Anonymous]

I was leaning towards being done after one. I had started to give away baby items/maternity clothes and I was thoroughly enjoying my toddler when I found out we were having two.

Now I can't imagine life w/o two. My first is a really great kid and I think he would have done o.k. as an only but having a brother to go through life with...amazing. Our second born has been such a blessing for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Okay, all of the people who are answering this post with "let me tell you why it's great to have two" are jerks. Re read the post. The OP is looking for experiences, not to feel worse.

OP, I'm in the same boat. At first it was really hard, but now I am appreciating the ease and grace and peace that comes with having one. Travel? Sure. Private school? No problem. Our lives are just really relaxed and mellow in a way that I can't imagine with the larger family. It's sweet.

I think making a conscious effort to open up your home to DC's friends is important.

No, DC isn't selfish and doesn't demand to be entertained. He's a laid-back little dude, and I think that's partially because he lives in a relaxed environment.

Is it what I would've chosen? No. But it has plenty of perks, and some of those are important ones.

[Anonymous]

I have two and its fine, but had I had only one, I would have not struggled with finances, like two college tuitions, and would have been able to give an only child many more advantages. Also I could have retired sooner. Who knew? One is a good choice in many respects.

[Anonymous]

My nephew is an only--my sister divorced her abusive husband and neither of them had more children. He started college last fall and is a delightful, bright, social young man. My sister was sort of sad to only have one, since there are five of us siblings, but was able to provide a terrific childhood with lots of travel and camps (and now is paying for only one college tuition.)

I also have an only who is pretty terrific, too. (He's only five, so we have a ways to go.) As mentioned upthread, our son has many, many friends, so we can fill our house with kids any time we want to. We are both able to be fully engaged with school and extracurricular activities when we need or want to, and don't feel the stress of shuttling multiple kids around that my other siblings are enduring.

In our case, my spouse put the kibosh on fertility treatments that would have been needed to have a second. We did need to work through that to make sure we were both on the same page, so I think it's important to make sure that both spouses address any lingering resentments about the decision to stick with one.

Frankly, there are many couples who are having onlies now, whether it's because of age, finances, or wanting to travel more, whatever. The days when a family's prosperity (and a woman's worth) was judged by the number of children they had are behind us.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, all of the people who are answering this post with "let me tell you why it's great to have two" are jerks. Re read the post. The OP is looking for experiences, not to feel worse.

OP, I'm in the same boat. At first it was really hard, but now I am appreciating the ease and grace and peace that comes with having one. Travel? Sure. Private school? No problem. Our lives are just really relaxed and mellow in a way that I can't imagine with the larger family. It's sweet.

I think making a conscious effort to open up your home to DC's friends is important.

No, DC isn't selfish and doesn't demand to be entertained. He's a laid-back little dude, and I think that's partially because he lives in a relaxed environment.

Is it what I would've chosen? No. But it has plenty of perks, and some of those are important ones.

Sorry you take it that way, I wasn't trying to be a jerk. Like I said - I was leaning towards having one child. I was blissfully happy having one child. And I think it would have worked out fine for us to have only one kid. But we wound up having two kids and our second has been a real joy for us as well.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP, and I meant to add that it's important to think through and address the "downsides" of being an only child. Do you worry that your child doesn't know how to share and play nicely? This is just addressed with good parenting, lots of playdates, and school. Do you worry about your child having to care for you in old age? We have robust retirement savings, wills, and end-of-life directives in place that hopefully will reduce the burden on our son as we age. Lots of the sadness parents feel at having an only is about what THEY wanted for their own lives, not about actual drawbacks for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, all of the people who are answering this post with "let me tell you why it's great to have two" are jerks. Re read the post. The OP is looking for experiences, not to feel worse.

OP, I'm in the same boat. At first it was really hard, but now I am appreciating the ease and grace and peace that comes with having one. Travel? Sure. Private school? No problem. Our lives are just really relaxed and mellow in a way that I can't imagine with the larger family. It's sweet.

I think making a conscious effort to open up your home to DC's friends is important.

No, DC isn't selfish and doesn't demand to be entertained. He's a laid-back little dude, and I think that's partially because he lives in a relaxed environment.

Is it what I would've chosen? No. But it has plenty of perks, and some of those are important ones.

Sorry you take it that way, I wasn't trying to be a jerk. Like I said - I was leaning towards having one child. I was blissfully happy having one child. And I think it would have worked out fine for us to have only one kid. But we wound up having two kids and our second has been a real joy for us as well.

Yay! Your reason for sharing that here is..?

OP isn't trying to make up his or her mind. OP is dealing with the hand life has dealt. Your sharing your joy in this particular forum is neither kind nor helpful.

- Not OP, but I could be

[Anonymous]

We have one, 5yo, due to health reasons. I never would have had him probably if I had known about them at the time, and won't potentially orphan another child. It makes me sad, for him, for me...but then I also look at babies now and think there is NO way I could stand it again. I only have 3 months left of childcare to pay for! My child goes to every lesson he wants and more, and has tons and tons of social time at school and playdates.

I can tell him he is my favorite child, anytime I want. lol.

I have been thinking of getting a dog, b/c I think it would sort of round out our family nicely and give him an active little buddy.

At any rate, OP, it is a good life. I keep thinking that when he is older we will have some exchange students, to try and build our family a bit more.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand this, to an extent. I most clearly understand the fear of being resentful. I wanted a second but DH didn't want one. I think you need to look hard at your family and decide if you can love life with only 1. There is nothing to guarantee you could have a second, even if she changed her mind.

The key to not being resentful is understanding what that resentment might bring into your relationship and whether your resentment is worth putting a cloud over what might be an otherwise perfect trio. The resentment is within your control, and not having it has to do with perspective and loving what you do have, regardless of why it isn't different, or more children.

I can understand only to an extent because just when I was accepting that we were going to be a glorious family of 3, I got pregnant when I thought I was too old to, at least succesfully. I must say though, I sometimes wonder how good it would have been to only be 3.

Good luck, and if this really does continue to haunt you, maybe find a counselor to discuss this with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, all of the people who are answering this post with "let me tell you why it's great to have two" are jerks. Re read the post. The OP is looking for experiences, not to feel worse.

OP, I'm in the same boat. At first it was really hard, but now I am appreciating the ease and grace and peace that comes with having one. Travel? Sure. Private school? No problem. Our lives are just really relaxed and mellow in a way that I can't imagine with the larger family. It's sweet.

I think making a conscious effort to open up your home to DC's friends is important.

No, DC isn't selfish and doesn't demand to be entertained. He's a laid-back little dude, and I think that's partially because he lives in a relaxed environment.

Is it what I would've chosen? No. But it has plenty of perks, and some of those are important ones.

Sorry you take it that way, I wasn't trying to be a jerk. Like I said - I was leaning towards having one child. I was blissfully happy having one child. And I think it would have worked out fine for us to have only one kid. But we wound up having two kids and our second has been a real joy for us as well.

Yay! Your reason for sharing that here is..?

OP isn't trying to make up his or her mind. OP is dealing with the hand life has dealt. Your sharing your joy in this particular forum is neither kind nor helpful.

- Not OP, but I could be

Oh good grief, I was relating to Op's wife who is pretty certain that she doesn't want a second. I was like the Op's wife (happy with one) and, in my case, I did - in fact - have a second who has been a joy and a blessing. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and not said it. I was not trying to be insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh good grief, I was relating to Op's wife who is pretty certain that she doesn't want a second. I was like the Op's wife (happy with one) and, in my case, I did - in fact - have a second who has been a joy and a blessing. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and not said it. I was not trying to be insensitive.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner.

When someone comes and says "I'm looking for support/experiences in dealing with X since I can't have Y", coming back with "Gee I sure loved Y" is not adding anything to the discussion.