if you wanted 2 kids and only had 1 because spouse only wanted 1, how did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two and its fine, but had I had only one, I would have not struggled with finances, like two college tuitions, and would have been able to give an only child many more advantages. Also I could have retired sooner. Who knew? One is a good choice in many respects.

I was just thinking this the other day.
OP, the grass is always greener. Remember that.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 2, husband wanted 3, ended up with 4...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted 2, husband wanted 3, ended up with 4...

Lord, nobody actually reads the question, do they?

I will. I have one and would've liked two. DH did not want two, and I decided that it wasn't fair to him or to any potential child to try and coax him into it.

Now I honestly don't know how we would've afforded two -- we would surely have had to make some quality-of-life-reducing choices -- and I've really enjoyed our life. Who knows how it would have been? All I know is that there are opportunities and advantages to having one, and if you can't have more than one (for whatever reason) then the sanest thing to do is to really embrace the advantages that one gives you!

But yes, time has given me peace with and appreciation for the beauty in the smaller-scale family. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes etc.

Good luck, OP. You'll find your path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh good grief, I was relating to Op's wife who is pretty certain that she doesn't want a second. I was like the Op's wife (happy with one) and, in my case, I did - in fact - have a second who has been a joy and a blessing. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and not said it. I was not trying to be insensitive.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner.

When someone comes and says "I'm looking for support/experiences in dealing with X since I can't have Y", coming back with "Gee I sure loved Y" is not adding anything to the discussion.

And you know what? Sometimes people change their minds about these things - that is ALL I was pointing out to the Op. I apologize to the Op if that was not a helpful observation to share.

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ WHY IS IT SO HARD the chime in and say "Yeah I have one. It's great. It's pretty chill. You will likely grow to love your little family."

I will. It's fine.

I am in your situation and though sometimes I think I would be happy to be surprise-pregnant I really have grown to like and treasure my life as a family of 3. I've had your thoughts and there's NO POINT in contemplating divorce or anything like that. Best case scenario is you fine yourself with a new wife and new kid(s). Aaaaaand in the process totally screwed your first kid. Why would you do that? Can you picture how Christmas and stuff would work in 10 years? --you wouldn't want it. Right?

How old's your kid? I guarantee you when school starts you will be in a new place.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think DW is going to change her mind about only wanting one, so I guess DS is going to be an only. If you were in this situation, how do you feel about it now? I'm worried I'll be permanently resentful, but don't want to be, and want the perspective of someone who went through this a while ago. Thanks.

I was a wife who only wanted one (well none, actually son one was a compromise), so that's what we stuck with -- especially since our child ending up having special needs.

My husband originally wanted 6, then 3, but now says our child was the perfect child to have if you are only able to have one. He has made his peace with it and recognizes all the financial upside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ WHY IS IT SO HARD the chime in and say "Yeah I have one. It's great. It's pretty chill. You will likely grow to love your little family."

I will. It's fine.

I am in your situation and though sometimes I think I would be happy to be surprise-pregnant I really have grown to like and treasure my life as a family of 3. I've had your thoughts and there's NO POINT in contemplating divorce or anything like that. Best case scenario is you fine yourself with a new wife and new kid(s). Aaaaaand in the process totally screwed your first kid. Why would you do that? Can you picture how Christmas and stuff would work in 10 years? --you wouldn't want it. Right?

How old's your kid? I guarantee you when school starts you will be in a new place.

Of course having a one child family is fine and often desirable. And there are lots of benefits to being on only kid - more/better trips, less financial stress, more one on one time with parents, social butterflys with peers, etc...

No one is saying that is not the case. But of the Op wants more than one, now is the time to calmy speak up and delve into the pros/cons with his wife. Op will feel better about this decision if it is a mutual decision.

[Anonymous]

Yes, getting to the right place in the marriage is paramount. One kid is great--all the good feels of parenthood with plenty of time and energy (and money) to really enjoy it.

But you must make peace with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, all of the people who are answering this post with "let me tell you why it's great to have two" are jerks. Re read the post. The OP is looking for experiences, not to feel worse.

OP, I'm in the same boat. At first it was really hard, but now I am appreciating the ease and grace and peace that comes with having one. Travel? Sure. Private school? No problem. Our lives are just really relaxed and mellow in a way that I can't imagine with the larger family. It's sweet.

I think making a conscious effort to open up your home to DC's friends is important.

No, DC isn't selfish and doesn't demand to be entertained. He's a laid-back little dude, and I think that's partially because he lives in a relaxed environment.

Is it what I would've chosen? No. But it has plenty of perks, and some of those are important ones.

I have two and this makes perfect sense to me. I love my two, but can see the advantages of having one, for sure.

[Anonymous]

We have one. Wasn't my plan. Can't imagine life a different way, though.

You can work on your resentment. If it wasn't the number of kids, I'm sure you could find something else -- that's marriage, right? Living with a spouse means living with compromise, but with someone at your back.

As for some of you generalizing from anecdote:
I know spoiled singletons, spoiled oldest, spoiled youngest....shut up.

[Anonymous]

We have one. We talked about having a second, but decided against it for several reasons. There are some real advantages to having only one, and plenty of ways to mitigate the stereotypical concerns about onlies. Worried your kid will be spoiled and selfish? Don't spoil them. Worried your kid will be lonely? Provide opportunities for them to socialize and participate in group activities, and facilitate their friendships and relationships with extended family. Worried about your old age? Work to save for retirement, prepare healthcare directives, living wills, etc.

Resenting your wife is pointless. No one should have a kid they don't want--it's not fair to that person or to the kid. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life--even things that are really important to us. But you can focus on what you don't have, or you can focus on what you do have--a child and a family you love. So work on making the best of that.

A good read is "One and Only," by Lauren something, who covers the actual research about only children and tries to look objectively at the advantages and disadvantages of single children. "Nurtureshock" also has a good chapter about learning to share, siblings, and friends.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think the resentment angle should be addressed for trying to be grateful for everything your wife went through to give you guys one kid. Pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, etc - it is tough. It is her body so it really is more her call whether to have more than one, and if she isn't up to it, try to focus on appreciating her for what she has given you already.

[Anonymous]

O0. My DD is almost 17 and our only child. We wanted another but health issues made it impossible. It has been truly awesome. DH and I are so close close to her. We function as a little unit that I dont think would have been possible with more children. She has been around adults her whole life and is very independent.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps, OP, since this is in a >50 thread, she's not so young? In any event, I suspect you are not. My mom stopped driving at night at a younger age than you are likely to be done with carpool.