My kids hate each other

[Anonymous]

I think my DS and DD may actually hate each other. They can be so nasty to each other and the name calling is terrible. I have tried rewards and punishments at various times for various actions, but in the end I really see nothing that looks like love. As they are not teens, it has gotten worse.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op. i know in my house we (five girls) always seemed to be bickering/fighting. In hindsight i don't know how my parents could stand it. How old are they? Do you think your punishments are severe enough? And, while I understand you cannot make people like each other, you can and should demand respect for each other.

And, fwiw, me and my sisters all get along now.

[Anonymous]

I had this problem. I made my kids come up with one nice thing about the other each day, and they couldn't repeat what they'd said earlier in the week.

Many times their "nice thing" was kind of mean like "You've smelled worse" and "Not EVERYONE noticed when you tripped down the bus stairs and fell, because on the other side of the world some people were sleeping and missed the telecast."

But after maybe two months, it was easier to say "hey those sweet potato french fries you made were really good" and that evolved into "want me to show you how to make them?"

[Anonymous]

OP here - typo above - "as they are now teens" - They are 13 and 15.

I think I punish fairly when I see them mistreat each other. I don't see empathy for each other. For example, DS was dumped by his girlfriend and very upset. Instead of DD being nice she told she was surprised that he got dumped and proceeded to tell him all the reasons why. Another example, when DD broke her arm, DS kept telling her that she was faking the injury.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I really wish I could type - DD was NOT surprised that he got dumped and proceeded to tell him all the reasons why

[Anonymous]

OP, when my sister and I were in our teens, we tore each other apart. We would say the most hurtful things to each other, be cruel, lack empathy, and get into knock-down, drag-out fights. She is now my best friend. Life is long, teenagers are hormone-soaked little shits, and people do grow. Just ride it out.

[Anonymous]

If its any consolation, I was horrible to my brother for many years. I too do not know how my parents could stand it. But we became really good friends in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Time for a big powwow. Tell them you are officially DONE with the meanness and nastiness. You will not tolerate them saying things to their siblings that they would never say to a friend. Remind that that hateful comments would get them in big trouble at school so why should home be any different? I think sometimes they act out on siblings rather than friends because it feels "safer." They can have more power with family rather than alienating friends. My rule is if you wouldn't say the same comment to your best friend, you may not say it to a sibling. Would DD have listed all of her friend's faults out load to her after a breakup? Of course not (well, if she wanted to still have the friendship!)

Emphasize that rudeness is a sign of immaturity and jealousy and reflects more on their personality than on the one they are trying to insult.

I tell my kids constantly that if they don't have something nice to say they need to keep their mouths shut. If they can't, then the rest of us don't want to hear their nasty attitude so they have to remove him/herself to their room (and phone goes on the mantle so they don't use it to be rude to others) So if DS makes comments about DD's arm, simply remind him that if he's feeling jealous of the attention she's getting, he needs to go to his room so he won't hear it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes that is just the way it goes. Work on having them keep their mouths shut, but don't try to make them have feelings they just don't have.

[Anonymous]

How are they when others pick on each other outside your house? Will they stand up for each other? My siblings and I did not get along- we constantly bickered, teased a and were not nice to each other at that age. However, against third parties, we had each other's backs.

[Anonymous]

I still don't get along with my sibling very well. We are both adults so we have just learned not to engage and just to ignore one another.

[Anonymous]

OP - my sister and I have the same age difference. We were close as kids but when we were teenagers we went through a bad phase for about 3-4 years and were really nasty to one another. It turned around when my sister went to college and now 20 years on we are closer than ever. We still fight and how but its good.

I read some research with suggests that it is often the older child who dictates the tone of the sibling relationship. This is because the younger child frequently looks up to the older one and the older one is more mature and can choose either to be inclusive or exclude. This was true of us. When we went through our bad patch my sister really excluded me. When she was nice to me again it turned around. So i would have a talk with your older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - my sister and I have the same age difference. We were close as kids but when we were teenagers we went through a bad phase for about 3-4 years and were really nasty to one another. It turned around when my sister went to college and now 20 years on we are closer than ever. We still fight and how but its good.

I read some research with suggests that it is often the older child who dictates the tone of the sibling relationship. This is because the younger child frequently looks up to the older one and the older one is more mature and can choose either to be inclusive or exclude. This was true of us. When we went through our bad patch my sister really excluded me. When she was nice to me again it turned around. So i would have a talk with your older child.

NP here. In my experience this is true: DS and DD are 5 years apart and have completely different personalities, yet adore each other. I can see so clearly that it is all due to older DS, who is affectionate, patient and good-tempered (not resentful, not jealous, not possessive, and inured to criticisms and pettiness!). My feisty DD is very often the opposite, so if I had two of her it would be World War Three in our house! We all try to make her see the world like DS does, but we can't change who she is. So I doubt a talk with your eldest would be productive, and it would place an unfair responsibility on him.

I prefer calling a family meeting, and enforcing much stricter rules from now on. "You don't have to like each other, but you do have to respect one another". No backtalk to anyone in the house, no yelling or name-calling, unless they want privileges recalled instantly. Note also that a little family ribbing and criticism of each other can actually be a good thing, if they are not exaggerated. Everyone needs to know if they look ridiculous or have just done something they mustn't do again, and they should depend on family for these plain unvarnished truths. Friends at that age often do not provide that necessary perspective.

[Anonymous]

Mine did, too, but now they are older teens and get along great. One is in college and they love seeing each other when the college on is home. It gets better, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this problem. I made my kids come up with one nice thing about the other each day, and they couldn't repeat what they'd said earlier in the week.

Many times their "nice thing" was kind of mean like "You've smelled worse" and "Not EVERYONE noticed when you tripped down the bus stairs and fell, because on the other side of the world some people were sleeping and missed the telecast."

But after maybe two months, it was easier to say "hey those sweet potato french fries you made were really good" and that evolved into "want me to show you how to make them?"

Good post. Thanks!