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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - my sister and I have the same age difference. We were close as kids but when we were teenagers we went through a bad phase for about 3-4 years and were really nasty to one another. It turned around when my sister went to college and now 20 years on we are closer than ever. We still fight and how but its good.

I read some research with suggests that [b]it is often the older child who dictates the tone of the sibling relationship[/b]. This is because the younger child frequently looks up to the older one and the older one is more mature and can choose either to be inclusive or exclude. This was true of us. When we went through our bad patch my sister really excluded me. When she was nice to me again it turned around. So i would have a talk with your older child. [/quote]

NP here. In my experience this is true: DS and DD are 5 years apart and have completely different personalities, yet adore each other. I can see so clearly that it is all due to older DS, who is affectionate, patient and good-tempered (not resentful, not jealous, not possessive, and inured to criticisms and pettiness!). My feisty DD is very often the opposite, so if I had two of her it would be World War Three in our house! We all try to make her see the world like DS does, but we can't change who she is. So I doubt a talk with your eldest would be productive, and it would place an unfair responsibility on him.

I prefer calling a family meeting, and enforcing much stricter rules from now on. "You don't have to like each other, but you do have to respect one another". No backtalk to anyone in the house, no yelling or name-calling, unless they want privileges recalled instantly. Note also that a little family ribbing and criticism of each other can actually be a good thing, if they are not exaggerated. Everyone needs to know if they look ridiculous or have just done something they mustn't do again, and they should depend on family for these plain unvarnished truths. Friends at that age often do not provide that necessary perspective.
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