Husband always puts brother and SIL first

[Anonymous]

I need to vent...I'm stressed out, my period is late and I'm very hormonal. I realize this is long but I have no one else to talk to.

H and I made tentative plans to go out without DC on Saturday night. It wasn't finalized but I had arranged for my sister to watch DC. All of the sudden, his SIL emails him only to ask if we could watch their 2 kids at our house on Sat. night starting at 8 pm, we would put them to bed and BIL/SIL would come home whenever and stay the night as well. H says yes and acts like our plans were nothing to begin with. Since DC has been around, we've gone out a handful of times alone....like 5 times max. FYI, our DC is almost 3 and their kids are 8 and 5.

I'm pissed. Not only am I pissed that SIL didn't include me in the email request (more on that) but also that H decides our plans were no big deal so that his brother and SIL can go out (they go out all the time - on multi day international trips even, without their kids).

I sent an email to SIL saying I had told her earlier that we were going to drop off DC at my sisters so we could go out for a few hours because I thought those were our plans. I had no idea about us having to watch their kids. So can I just get some details please.

She writes me back but also includes my husband - something that she's done before and I had a huge issue with (last time it was a bcc but which was worse). I don't understand why communication between the 2 of them is always without me but she readily adds him to my emails with her.

She says if we can watch her kids ONLY IF ITS NO BIG DEAL. That it's just if we didn't have plans. That she could go to the fundraiser without her husband so he could watch the kids.Etc etc. fucking H writes her back separately saying (yes I read his email because he's done this to me so many times):
" I know you are being nice but I really wish you didn't send this email, it won't surprise me if (wife) responds. With (wife), there is a lot of management I have to do, and some times, it doesn't help when you guys, or Mom, give her wide open options for things that don't need to be so wide open. There are plenty of times when we take (wife's sister's) kids, even overnight, so one night (and it isn't even a full night) for your kids is not even a question that needs to be raises. it's my pleasure to have them - so again, i think some times, once things are decided, don't keep giving (wife) an option to cancel or give her an out."

HOLY SHIT! Are you kidding me? So much disrespect and so much fucking secrecy. I have such disdain for H right now that I don't know why I was even trying to do date night.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband talk to you about any of this at any time? You really both need to sit down for counseling. Going behind your back, undermining special plans together and undermining you in secret emails are hugely dysfunctional.

Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Is your BIL included in these emails? I would be livid and would have to come to Jesus talk with my husband. Print out that email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your BIL included in these emails? I would be livid and would have to come to Jesus talk with my husband. Print out that email.

No. It's just between H and SIL. If I print out the email, he'll change his password. And gaslight me to make me believe the real evil is me going thru his email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your husband talk to you about any of this at any time? You really both need to sit down for counseling. Going behind your back, undermining special plans together and undermining you in secret emails are hugely dysfunctional.

Sorry OP.

He brought it up to me last night and when I said, hey what about our plans, he acted as if they were no big deal. I told him I was very disappointed that I thought we had plans together and instead of that, we were getting 2 more kids and house guests! He turned it around and said it wasn't as if we couldn't go out any other weekend and that for the past five years (don't know where he got that from) he's the one who has been trying for us to go out as a couple.

[Anonymous]

OP again....to clarify, my issue isn't us watching their kids. It's that our plans were so easily discarded to put those kids first.

[Anonymous]

Email this (you're not supposed to know he sent the other email, correct? It gives you the best excuse!)

"Dear SIL,

I am so sorry that we cannot watch your children on Saturday - DH and I had made plans to go out, and my sister had already rearranged her schedule to take DS that evening. You know how I love having your children around on X, Y, Z weekends it should be fine!"


Now, OP, listen here:

I sense from your post that you are not the most assertive and decided person, and your passive personality seems to have been bypassed for years through your husband and SIL, who are perhaps more impatient and direct kind of people.
Your husband might not have understood that your "tentative" plans were actually firm, and your SIL might not have emailed your husband had you told her NO (nicely) the first time, instead of asking for details. Asking for details means you are open to negotiation.

Please don't be afraid of pissing people off by saying no directly. On the contrary, people will respect you and know where they stand, instead of being tempted to go through your husband.

You can read the riot act to your husband all you want, and boy does he deserves it! However, none of this behavior is going to change if you don't assert yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email this (you're not supposed to know he sent the other email, correct? It gives you the best excuse!)

"Dear SIL,

I am so sorry that we cannot watch your children on Saturday - DH and I had made plans to go out, and my sister had already rearranged her schedule to take DS that evening. You know how I love having your children around on X, Y, Z weekends it should be fine!"


Now, OP, listen here:

I sense from your post that you are not the most assertive and decided person, and your passive personality seems to have been bypassed for years through your husband and SIL, who are perhaps more impatient and direct kind of people.
Your husband might not have understood that your "tentative" plans were actually firm, and your SIL might not have emailed your husband had you told her NO (nicely) the first time, instead of asking for details. Asking for details means you are open to negotiation.

Please don't be afraid of pissing people off by saying no directly. On the contrary, people will respect you and know where they stand, instead of being tempted to go through your husband.

You can read the riot act to your husband all you want, and boy does he deserves it! However, none of this behavior is going to change if you don't assert yourself.

I understand what you are saying PP. But I only asked for details since H made it clear that there was no chance of going out, even if we didn't watch their kids. And saying no to watching the kids was me tantamount to evil personified. I was read the riot act last night for even expressing shock that he was canceling our plans so easily.

Problem is, because his brother and SIL are older (she's older by a year to me) there is an expectation of deference. I am not allowed to question her, to ask why - just say yes. And that to me is antiquated and ridiculous. As if somehow my life and desires are less important because I'm younger?? This is how H's family operates.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I would be pissed. Of course your husband should not be accepting babysitting duties without talking to you first. And his email to his sister-in-law, wow. Way to undermine you.

I say you go on a date night by yourself or with your friends. Tell him you have been looking forward to going out, and you are not babysitting instead. Tell him he can either back out babysitting and join you, or stay home with all the kids by himself.

[Anonymous]

Are you and your husband from two different cultures, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you and your husband from two different cultures, OP?

No

[Anonymous]

The email from your husband to your SIL is extraordinary. It's as if he is married to her and is 'managing' you as some sort of boss or child. It's kind of unbelievable. You really are treated as if they are talking about the way a dirty diaper is managed. Is that the way you want to be treated and talked about? It certainly would cause me to radically reevaluate my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The email from your husband to your SIL is extraordinary. It's as if he is married to her and is 'managing' you as some sort of boss or child. It's kind of unbelievable. You really are treated as if they are talking about the way a dirty diaper is managed. Is that the way you want to be treated and talked about? It certainly would cause me to radically reevaluate my marriage.

I agree - this is pretty outrageous. And the lack of respect your husband shows you is more worrying, as is his "chummy" relationshiop with SIL. I would be losing my sh*t right about now.

Has he done this before OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email this (you're not supposed to know he sent the other email, correct? It gives you the best excuse!)

"Dear SIL,

I am so sorry that we cannot watch your children on Saturday - DH and I had made plans to go out, and my sister had already rearranged her schedule to take DS that evening. You know how I love having your children around on X, Y, Z weekends it should be fine!"


Now, OP, listen here:

I sense from your post that you are not the most assertive and decided person, and your passive personality seems to have been bypassed for years through your husband and SIL, who are perhaps more impatient and direct kind of people.
Your husband might not have understood that your "tentative" plans were actually firm, and your SIL might not have emailed your husband had you told her NO (nicely) the first time, instead of asking for details. Asking for details means you are open to negotiation.

Please don't be afraid of pissing people off by saying no directly. On the contrary, people will respect you and know where they stand, instead of being tempted to go through your husband.

You can read the riot act to your husband all you want, and boy does he deserves it! However, none of this behavior is going to change if you don't assert yourself.

I understand what you are saying PP. But I only asked for details since H made it clear that there was no chance of going out, even if we didn't watch their kids. And saying no to watching the kids was me tantamount to evil personified. I was read the riot act last night for even expressing shock that he was canceling our plans so easily.

Problem is, because his brother and SIL are older (she's older by a year to me) there is an expectation of deference. I am not allowed to question her, to ask why - just say yes. And that to me is antiquated and ridiculous. As if somehow my life and desires are less important because I'm younger?? This is how H's family operates.

Excuse me, "not allowed to question her"??? This is PP you were responding to. You NEED to put your foot down, even if the entire family throws a hissy fit. Unless you are happier divorcing.

I married into an Asian family with conservative values: read, birth hierarchy is respected and DILs are at the bottom of the pile. Well, that went out of the window quickly!
DH pulled that trick on me twice and that was it. I yelled at him, and told him no plans involving both of us are go unless I consent to them. My MIL is actually a lovely person who respects boundaries, but like you, I have an authoritarian SIL (she's smart and generous, too, just expects her way all the time). I look at her straight in the eye, smile and say no. DH starts saying "well, maybe we should rearrange our plans, blah, blah, blah" . I cut in and say no, until it sinks in. When I make plans with DH now, he knows which ones are important to me/us, and which ones he can reschedule with friends and family. To get to this point, I spent years making it clear to him that our happiness as a couple and nuclear family unit was dependent on presenting a united front to all our family and friends. His loyalty is to me, and mine is to him. We have each other's backs.

So I would still not agree to watching SIL's kids, and would tell her that myself. Despite being angry, I would want to go out as planned. If he does not accompany you, tough. Heck, he can even offer his SIL to watch the kids by himself! Go ahead and have a nice time, and don't lift a finger for any of them.

[Anonymous]

Older by you than a year = deference? Don't make me laugh.