Husband always puts brother and SIL first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, wait. I was under the impression that SIL's kids came over frequently. If this is only the second time in 5 years that they have asked you to babysit then that may be different. Do they need to do something important? Are you overreacting? Do you often overreact and husband is embarrassed about your behavior towards his family?

They are going to a fundraiser which in SIL's words is "not that big of deal". She also said she could go solo and her husband would watch the kids at their own house. Every indication tells me it's no more important than a needed date night with my husband. We have watched their kids several times at their house but usually the in laws watch their kids (they take at least 2 trips internationally a year without the kids and many many other trips domestically).

I do not believe I am over reacting. H has time and again showed me that his birth family comes first - at the expense of me. My issue here is not watching their kids - we've done it before and will do it again. My issue is that our planned date night was so easily discarded as soon as word came from SIL that they wanted us to watch their kids. Well, my issue is also with the email.

[Anonymous]

sorry, op. one way or another, the date night with dh ship has sailed.

either go out alone/with friends, as a pp said, or suck it up at this point.

I vote for going out alone. You never agreed to babysit. That was DH. Leave him in charge. Thankfully he cannot obligate you to do that.

[Anonymous]

OP please update. I hope you do so thing fun without him. I vote go stay at your sisters house with your child.

[Anonymous]

NP here. After reading your follow up, I'm wondering if you're presenting the whole picture? If DH very rarely babysits for them, and it sounds like it, then it doesn't sound like he "always" puts his family first. Unless we're missing something?

Without more info, it sounds like you're maybe over-reacting. You should still go out and enjoy yourself though.

[Anonymous]

Go out with out your husband. Leave him to babysit since he agreed to it without asking you. Go see a movie or whatever by yourself then see if he changes his tune.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband sleeping with the SIL?

[Anonymous]

OP again...just found out that the inlaws were free tonight and available to babysit...that makes me even more mad that SIL didn't go to them! I don't understand why it was made out to be a situation where they had no one else that could watch their kids....and again, why is their night out a higher priority than mine?

Anyway, I'm very tired as I barely slept last night. I'm going to have a few glasses of wine and call it an early night. H asked me what I was cooking for dinner. I laughed and said he could order pizza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your husband sleeping with the SIL?

No. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. After reading your follow up, I'm wondering if you're presenting the whole picture? If DH very rarely babysits for them, and it sounds like it, then it doesn't sound like he "always" puts his family first. Unless we're missing something?

Without more info, it sounds like you're maybe over-reacting. You should still go out and enjoy yourself though.

OP again...honestly I don't have it in me to lay out all of the reasons I feel this way but suffice it to say, this isn't the first time. A few weeks ago, we all (his brothers family and us) went to lunch. H knew my back was hurting and I could have used help with DC. He told me that he was going to go ice skating with BIL's kids because they needed an extra adult (SIL doesn't ice skate). I told him that would be hard on me. He stayed anyway and ice skated with them while I took DC home solo.

There are tons of other examples...too tired to go thru them all now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...just found out that the inlaws were free tonight and available to babysit...that makes me even more mad that SIL didn't go to them! I don't understand why it was made out to be a situation where they had no one else that could watch their kids....and again, why is their night out a higher priority than mine?

Anyway, I'm very tired as I barely slept last night. I'm going to have a few glasses of wine and call it an early night. H asked me what I was cooking for dinner. I laughed and said he could order pizza.

I'm sorry OP. You have to be strong and take care of yourself first. Try not to let all this affect your health, because you will need it when you are finally ready to say "enough" and put your foot down. I agree with the others that Enemy number one here is your husband, not the rest, even though they are opportunists and enablers. I can't remember if you said you worked or not. Be as financially independent as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your husband sleeping with the SIL?

That was my thought too. Or he has a crsh on her and just wants an excuse to see her.

[Anonymous]

I would be so pissed at my husband, like beyond pissed!
Since he didn't want to talk to you about plans or show you respect for your time that night I would tell him to have a good time with her kids and go out with a girlfriend and let him watch the kids and houseguest solo.

[Anonymous]

To me the tone of the email is the real issue. Whether or not you babysit is just a sideshow. If my husband talked about me in an email like that, I'd question our marriage.

[Anonymous]

He has no business talking like that about you. As if you are some petulant child who needs to be managed.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you realize that it is time for you and your husband to have an honest conversation about how things stand between the two of you as a couple. Clarifying that you are his co-equal and partner and not "someone to be managed" would be a good starting point. Secret emailing between his sister and him involving what you will and will not do need to end as you are not your husband's second child.

Also, it sounds as it the few dollars saved on a sitter for either family is not worth it given the family dynamics of SIL and Brother/Your Husband. I think I would just say it is time for both families to just find their own sitters, and to DH that it will take away one big conflict area.

Then your child is no longer an infant and you need to explore with your husband just what he would like to be doing with you as a couple in a positive way. This will give you an idea then of the age and background of the sitter you will need to find.