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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Email this (you're not supposed to know he sent the other email, correct? It gives you the best excuse!)

"Dear SIL,

I am so sorry that we cannot watch your children on Saturday - DH and I had made plans to go out, and my sister had already rearranged her schedule to take DS that evening. You know how I love having your children around on X, Y, Z weekends it should be fine!"

Now, OP, listen here:

I sense from your post that you are not the most assertive and decided person, and your passive personality seems to have been bypassed for years through your husband and SIL, who are perhaps more impatient and direct kind of people. 
Your husband might not have understood that your "tentative" plans were actually firm, and your SIL might not have emailed your husband had you told her NO (nicely) the first time, instead of asking for details. Asking for details means you are open to negotiation.

Please don't be afraid of pissing people off by saying no directly. On the contrary, people will respect you and know where they stand, instead of being tempted to go through your husband.

You can read the riot act to your husband all you want, and boy does he deserves it! However, none of this behavior is going to change if you don't assert yourself.

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I understand what you are saying PP. But I only asked for details since H made it clear that there was no chance of going out, even if we didn't watch their kids. And saying no to watching the kids was me tantamount to evil personified. I was read the riot act last night for even expressing shock that he was canceling our plans so easily.

Problem is, because his brother and SIL are older (she's older by a year to me) there is an expectation of deference. I am not allowed to question her, to ask why - just say yes. And that to me is antiquated and ridiculous. As if somehow my life and desires are less important because I'm younger?? This is how H's  family operates. [/quote]

Excuse me, "not allowed to question her"??? This is PP you were responding to. You NEED to put your foot down, even if the entire family throws a hissy fit. Unless you are happier divorcing.

I married into an Asian family with conservative values: read, birth hierarchy is respected and DILs are at the bottom of the pile. Well, that went out of the window quickly! 
DH pulled that trick on me twice and that was it. I yelled at him, and told him no plans involving both of us are go unless I consent to them. My MIL is actually a lovely person who respects boundaries, but like you, I have an authoritarian SIL (she's smart and generous, too, just expects her way all the time). I look at her straight in the eye, smile and say no. DH starts saying "well, maybe we should rearrange our plans, blah, blah, blah" . I cut in and say no, until it sinks in. When I make plans with DH now, he knows which ones are important to me/us, and which ones he can reschedule with friends and family. To get to this point, I spent years making it clear to him that our happiness as a couple and nuclear family unit was dependent on presenting a united front to all our family and friends. His loyalty is to me, and mine is to him. We have each other's backs.

So I would still not agree to watching SIL's kids, and would tell her that myself. Despite being angry, I would want to go out as planned. If he does not accompany you, tough. Heck, he can even offer his SIL to watch the kids by himself! Go ahead and have a nice time, and don't lift a finger for any of them.

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