Friends and husbands

[Anonymous]

Husband cheats with a close friend. Now I feel like all my friends aren't really my friends. I do know that another close friend that I've confided in has told my husband everything I've told her. Has anyone been in this situation and how do you not let it smother you? I feel as if my entire life is a huge giant lie and that I can't trust anyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband cheats with a close friend. Now I feel like all my friends aren't really my friends. I do know that another close friend that I've confided in has told my husband everything I've told her. Has anyone been in this situation and how do you not let it smother you? I feel as if my entire life is a huge giant lie and that I can't trust anyone.

This 2nd friend has done that so that she may have a turn with your husband. Yes, u have no real friends right now. The good thing is you can take a close look at why such shallow people are in your life, and then change your life so that you attract genuine people.

[Anonymous]

Why would your husband behave that way? He sounds horrible. I'm sorry, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

I would focus on your husband and then your friends.

[Anonymous]

That sucks. None are friends and your husband is a fool. Get rid of all three. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

There is something going on with you, OP, that you do not know how to pick loyal, good people (either in your DH or in your girl friends). Things like this don't just *happen*--you picked these people.

I am not blaming you but am pointing this out to show you you have power here to change your situation and change your life. You need to get out and pick some good people. If your "people-picker" is broken then get some counseling and figure out how to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Someone who does all that shit is no longer your husband. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something going on with you, OP, that you do not know how to pick loyal, good people (either in your DH or in your girl friends). Things like this don't just *happen*--you picked these people.

I am not blaming you but am pointing this out to show you you have power here to change your situation and change your life. You need to get out and pick some good people. If your "people-picker" is broken then get some counseling and figure out how to fix it.

Exactly. As harsh as this is OP, it is spot on. Get into therapy and figure out why you are surrounding yourself with such low characters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone who does all that shit is no longer your husband. Period.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something going on with you, OP, that you do not know how to pick loyal, good people (either in your DH or in your girl friends). Things like this don't just *happen*--you picked these people.

I am not blaming you but am pointing this out to show you you have power here to change your situation and change your life. You need to get out and pick some good people. If your "people-picker" is broken then get some counseling and figure out how to fix it.

Yes please lets not blame OP for the behavior of others. THere is often a pack mentality that goes on, where one person does something and the others jump on the bandwagon because they lack character. A toxic brew can develop VERY quickly, as has happened here.

As to a husband cheating wth a friend, that is a super huge betrayal and OP. No wonder you feel smothered. But look: it is not YOUR fault that other people do crappy things. THere are other people that have been in your situation. You may be extra trusting, perhaps. And never thought this was possible.

You need to break ALL ties with all of these so called friends. If there is an honest and good one among them they will reveal themselves, but right now you need to cut ties.

I am afraid that the magniture of the betrayal, all other things being equal, means the marriage may not be worth saving. But that is for you to determine down the line.

Right now I completely agree YOU NEED to talk to a counselor. THey can be VERY helpful to center you in a crisis. Focus on what to do RIGHT NOW to give yourself the strength to navigate your way through this situation.

I do NOT agree that you need to figure out, right now, if you have a defective people picker. That is not the priority right now. You need the protection of inner strength and a counselor may be able to help you find that.

Good Luck OP (((big hug))) People start over all the time. It takes stength and if others can do it, you can too.

[Anonymous]

Remove yourself from this toxic situation. Sorry op

[Anonymous]

Something similar to this happened to us. DH was cheating with several of his women "friends" and though i didn't know the other women, several of our mutual friends did know them. Those mutual friends also knew what was happening behind my back and never told him to cut it out or told me about what was going on. When I think of all those dinner parties where we all went out together and everyone knew but me... the humiliation is still unbearable, many years later.

DH and I repaired our marriage after we both got LOTS counseling. None of our former friends are in our lives anymore. (It became clear that encouraged the problems that lead to DH cheating because they wanted a partner in crime.) We now have much better boundaries and rules about how we handle our friendships. We also have much nicer friends. I strongly encourage you to read, "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. Our marriage counselor recommended it and it saved my marriage as well as the marriage of a good friend, who also experienced this type of infidelity. It will help you both build good boundaries, but it will also help you learn how to identify the friends that actually can be trusted.

Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something going on with you, OP, that you do not know how to pick loyal, good people (either in your DH or in your girl friends). Things like this don't just *happen*--you picked these people.

I am not blaming you but am pointing this out to show you you have power here to change your situation and change your life. You need to get out and pick some good people. If your "people-picker" is broken then get some counseling and figure out how to fix it.

I agree with this and I did not read it as being harsh although I can see how OP would. I have similar issues and am going to try to explain in a little bit differently. I truly mean no offense and hope you take this in the spirit it is intended, with compassion and empathy.

OP, I have a horrible history of picking the wrong men. I thought I had done better with my ex DH but then found out that he had done some awful things and I realized that the common denominator is me. I keep picking people who do not respect me and treat me well. The root of this is that I was not respected or treated well in my family. This is not to blame my family. They did the best they could. However, the way you are treated in your formative years sets the blueprint for the kind of behavior you will tolerate and think is normal as an adult. It's mostly subconscious, which is why you don't even realize it's an issue until someone does something so blatantly awful - like your DH sleeping with your friend, or your friend sleeping with your DH - that it jolts you and makes you realize something is really wrong here.

It's very difficult, but not impossible, to change that blueprint. I highly recommend counseling and perhaps a support group to help you. And yeah, your DH and "friends" are not really your friends. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

I just think that given OP must be in shock, she can temporarily table the how she got there query for the moment and figure out where she is at RIGHT NOW.

Like how not to go bonkers and how to deal with being alone in this. OP do you have relatives you can call? This may be the time to involve family if you have a good relationship with any of them.